a/n: if im siffrin and youre siffrin, then whos writing the parallel character development?
welcome to the umpteenth What if loop joined actually fic. enjoy your stay!
this isnt sifloop btw. they are neither in a platonic nor romantic relationship but a secret third thing. please understand
as a note, i havent played or know anything about sasasap, so the way i see things may not strictly adhere to the canon of that. i do hope youll enjoy how i view what loop's previous time as a siffrin looked like anyways ^^ its a lot simpler than what the prologue gives, i think!
secret boss spoilers also lawl
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wc: 1,511
uploaded 5/29/24
You watch blandly from atop the Favor tree as Siffrin and his party get ready to make their way out of Dormont.
They did it. They finally beat the King. They finally won.
They finally get to leave.
Woop woop.
You can’t hear them, not from all the way over here, but you notice they seem to be taking their sweet time. Pfft. Couldn’t be you. If you had managed to break these blinding loops on your own, you would’ve bolted out of this starforsaken town the second you were able. But, you guess that’s what makes you Loop and him Siffrin.
Your eyes glaze over at some point, bored of watching them mingle. You play with their copy of your silver coin, a disdainful frown pulling at your face.
Heh. Who could’ve thought? Talking about your feelings? That’s all you had to do? Talk about your blinding feelings?
You kind of wish they would’ve killed you yesterday in that stupid little skirmish you insisted you have. You kind of thought they would have. Might have. Maybe. There was some sort of percentage it would’ve happened.
But it didn’t.
So now you’re here. You’re here, in Dormont. Forever.
…Nothing really changed for you, did it?
“Loop?”
You startle. The coin drops right out of your clumsy hands and tinks off of the rock you normally perch on when talking to Siffrin, bouncing onto the soft grass.
…Maybe he… didn’t see? Maybe if you don’t move an inch, he’ll—
“I know you’re there, Loop.”
Ah. Of course. No such luck. Why would anything ever go your way, after all?
Still, maybe, maybe you could still—
“Loop!” Siffrin huffs. “Don’t make this hard. I have something for you!”
Okay. Well.
You consider yourself a particular type of stubborn. Unfortunately, that type is easily trounced by the slightest hint of curiosity.
You sigh (not that you really have breath anymore) and close your eyes, willing yourself to appear where you normally greet your compatriot.
“Hi, Stardust~!” you beam, waving with all the mock cheer you can muster. “You took time out of your busy, busy schedule of leaving to bring me a gift? How nice~!”
Siffrin rolls their single eye and takes their seat under the Favor tree, bending to pick up your (their) coin along the way. They wordlessly hold it out to you.
You laugh. “I don’t really have a use for that, you know. Plus,” you push your eyes up in a way you hope expresses the idea of you sticking your tongue out at him, “You kind of already gave me that yesterday?”
“It’s not what I came to give you,” he says blandly, sticking his own tongue out. Still, they shake their hand a bit. “C’mon. I won’t give you what I came for if you don’t take it.”
Hmf. Curse him for knowing your shared weakness.
“Fine,” you pout, snatching the coin out of their hand. “Now,” you plaster that same smile you’ve been plastering on your face since they first came to talk to you, “What can I do for you in this wonderful, final loop, Stardust~?”
Siffrin looks a little pained for a moment, and then…
They laugh?
“What,” you say more than ask. Did they just. Come here to laugh at you?
“I-I’m not laughing at you,” he says quickly, throwing out one arm as the other comes to clutch at his stomach. “It’s just…” They let out one more laugh before breathing in and out. “It’s really over, isn’t it?”
Some part of you fills with disgust. “Yes,” you say, hiding every ounce of resentment that’s starting to build within you again. “It is.”
“It’s over for you too, Loop,” Siffrin smiles gently.
You can’t help the bark of a laugh that leaves you. “Sure, Stardust! Sure.” You can tell if you had a mouth, it would pull upsettingly at your eyes right now. “Whatever you say.”
“I mean it, Loop,” they insist. “It’s… what I came to give you, actually.”
“Oh!” You know this one! “You’re gonna actually kill me this time?” You laugh airily. “Finally! I was hoping you wouldn’t chicken out on me!”
“Wh—huh!?” Siffrin looks startled. “I-I’m not gonna kill you, Loop! Why would I come back here just to kill you?”
Oh.
You hope the way you deflate isn’t too obvious. You may hate him for stealing everything you ever wanted, but… There was no need to make him feel guilty about not killing what was technically himself, you guess.
You (pretend to) take a breath in… and out.
“Just kidding~!” you smile. “I know you would’ve done the deed yesterday if you really wanted to. So!” You clasp your hands together and pull a leg over your knee before leaning on it. “Tell me, Stardust. What is this grand gift for lil ol’ me?”
Siffrin gives you a look you… can’t describe. Which is really, really weird. They’re you, aren’t they? You’d think you’d be able to understand the emotions on your own blinding face, but…
Before you can place it, the expression clears with a small, hopeful smile. Siffrin stands and puts out a hand to you.
You stare.
They stare back.
You’re… confused.
“Um?” you laugh. “Do you want me to hold your hand or something?”
They tilt their head from side to side. Halfway there, you can practically hear them say.
You’re still not following, but...
They’re gonna be gone after today, aren't they? All of them?
Forever...?
…You can humor this last request, you guess.
Slowly you move to slip your hand into Siffrin’s. Theirs is… smaller than yours. It’s weird. You don’t want to think about it.
You’re so busy trying not to think about it, that you’re barely prepared for when they tug you away from the Favor tree. You stumble forwards a bit before digging your heels in. For as much as Siffrin must have grown during the loops, he was nowhere near as strong as you were.
…Or maybe he was!? He doesn’t look back as he pulls you even further. You find yourself somehow being dragged forwards by an old new version of yourself.
“Okay, okay, wait!” you shout, ripping your hand away and crossing your arms. Only then does Siffrin turn. He has the gall to look confused!? “What in the Universe do you think you’re doing right now? Where are you taking me?” You feel your anger bleed into the small particles that float around you sometimes, growing staticy. “I don’t want to talk to your party again, if that’s what you’re trying to do. I’m done. You’re done, Stardust. You don’t have to be here anymore.” Just as quick as it comes, the anger goes, leaving only cold and bitter resentment. You grab your arms tightly and stare very forcefully at the ground. “Just go. Be with your friends. Your—” You think if you could cry, you would be. “...Your family.”
Siffrin doesn’t move for a while. You can just barely see the breeze whip his frenzy of hair this way and that out of the corner of your eye. He’s got that look on his face again, but you don’t care to figure out what it is this time.
You’re just about to will yourself away when—
“Our family,” they say.
…What?
“What?” you balk in complete disbelief. “What are you on about?”
“They’re our family, Loop.” Siffrin holds out a hand again, something pleading in his gaze. “They all want to see you again. They all want to thank you. And…” They trail off for a second, glancing away, before looking back, resolute. “And I want you to come with us.”
You…
You don’t know what to do.
“...We both know that’s not true,” you say instead of admitting that. “You don’t want me anywhere near your family. I didn’t—” Didn’t help mine. Didn’t actually try to. Didn’t do the one thing I should have. Didn’t, didn’t, didn’t—
“I do,” Siffrin says. He’s still got his hand out. “I know you can’t be me. And, I don’t really want you to be.” Ow, but fair. “But I do want you to be with me during the rest of this journey. And maybe even after? I-if you want?” They finally look a little worried, but shake their head quickly after. “That doesn’t matter right now, though. What does is that I’m here, I’m holding out my hand, and I’m offering you this. You…” He looks a little pained, but presses on, “You don’t have to take it. But if you want to, this is my final offer.”
You stare.
You stare and stare and stare.
Siffrin stares back.
Finally, your eyes move down to his outstretched hand.
You… Could you really…
Could you really escape too? Could you really take this opportunity…?
Your grip on yourself loosens. “What if I want to kill you,” you say instead of ask. It’s a weak jab, but you have to throw it anyways.
“You won’t,” Siffrin grins.
“How do you know.” Your words feel like lead leaving your mouth.
“You wouldn’t want to hurt our family,” they shrug.
Stars. You keep forgetting they’re you somehow. That they know you as well as you know them.
“What…” Your voice has become shaky. Why did it become shaky? “What if… that changes…?”
Siffrin’s smile is soft. “It won’t.”
He says it so absolutely. Like he really and truly believes it.
You…
You tear your gaze away from him, squeeze your eyes shut and you…
You take his hand.
end a/n: theres a lot more i have in my mind. but i know if i sit on this for 80 years and try to make it one big thing before posting it ill never finish lol. so look forward to more um. Whenever my brain lets me write more <3!
wc: 4,056
uploaded 5/29/24
In the short time it takes for the both of you to make the pilgrimage to the bundle of toys Siffrin calls a family, you have recited exactly zero of your lines.
Zero. Zilch. Nothing. A starforsaken goose egg.
You don’t know what’s up with you today. First you’re accepting handouts (literally!) and now you don’t even rehearse for the big show? What kind of actor are you?
Siffrin is none the wiser to your grief, partially due to the fact you’re apart right now, but also because on the way here you were so, so brave and did not let a single emotion show.
Even now as you lean against one of the little houses closest to the group, you notice people staring. It’s Vaugarde, so you know it’s not meant to be unkind, but.
You know a lot of things. You know Siffrin trying to get you to join in on this little rochambeau is going to end in disaster. You know they’ll probably regret it. You know at the end of the day, there’s gonna be one final confrontation, and that’s gonna be it. Either he dies, you die, or one of you is taking the other down with them.
You know these things, and yet...
And yet it still hurts.
A sharp whistle shoots through the air, pulling you out of your reprieve.
That’s your cue. Showtime, baby!
With an (unnecessary) breath in, you close your eyes and will yourself forward. You materialize slightly in front of Siffrin, (nonexistent) smile wide on your face. Your legs are pulled flush to one another while your hands are outstretched in a grand gesture.
Alright. Hit ‘em where it hurts, supernova.
“Hello~ all my fine friends!” you greet. “Pleasure to see you again!”
The reactions are about as spot on as you expected them to be.
Mirabelle startles excitedly. Isabeau’s grin grows wide and open. Odile’s expression is just barely hinting a smidge of surprise. And Bonnie’s face is absolutely alight with glee.
“Woah!” they gasp. “You didn’t do that before!”
“A star never tells what shot it,” you wink.
That only serves to get Bonnie more excited. They throw their hands up over their head. “Do it again! Do it again!”
You chuckle. “Such a demanding audience! How could I say no?”
Bonnie cheers as Mirabelle giggles openly. You haven’t looked behind you since you appeared in front them, so you’ve no idea how Siffrin is reacting to this little display, but you find you kind of don’t care?
This is your show right now. Gotta knock ‘em dead.
You close your eyes and take an extremely exaggerated breath in, miming pulling in the air with help from your hands. And then you open your eyes and give (your best approximation of) a smirk before willing yourself from this spot to the next. And the next. And the next.
You hop around for a few seconds, Bonnie oohing and aahing and following your trail, before settling on standing next to Siffrin. You lean an elbow over on his head (conveniently, he’s just about a head under you with you like this) and wave with your fingers.
“That good enough for you, Bonster~?” you grin.
“IT WAS AWESOME!!!” they shout. “Can you do that wherever? Whenever? However?” They seem to get more excited with each question. “How far can you go? Can you go miles? Or can you only go inches?” They pout then and furrow their brows. “It’d be kinda lame if you could only go inches,” they decide for you, crossing their arms and looking away in thought.
Wow. Was Bonnie always this energetic?
…You missed it. You missed them.
You gather your thoughts quickly enough that only a natural beat has passed by the time you answer. “Hmmm, okay.” You push up a finger as you rattle off your answers. “Yes, technically, maybe…?” You actually don’t know if you could do any pose, since it might mess with your sense of direction? But like, theoretically? Too pedantic to mention though, so you continue on. “Aaand, sorry to disappoint Bonster, but I’m afraid this star can only travel but so far before their trail burns out.” You do your best to simulate a playful pout, dropping your other elbow atop Siffrin’s head.
It proves to be one too many, because he quickly shoos you off of him after, giving you an actual pout to boot. Aww, he’s adorable.
“Um,” Bonnie says, making you both look away from each other and towards them. They’ve got that look on their face that means I just calculated really, really hard, but man am I bad at math. “Does that mean you can only go inches…?” They seem almost apprehensive to be right. Maybe on account of calling it lame two seconds ago, but it was no skin off your back. Literally! You didn’t have skin anymore!
Still, you tut. “‘Fraid so, Bonster.” You sigh dramatically and throw the back of your hand over your eyes. “Ah, but if it’s the Universe’s fate for me to be lame, then I simply must follow~!”
Pause for added effect…
Aaand…
“Just kidding~!” you beam, fixing your posture. Bonnie looks really excited for a second, so you explain quickly. “Not about only being able to go a few inches out. Sorry, Bonnie.” They frown immediately. “But!” you quickly add. “I was kidding about being lame. I mean, could you imagine? Someone like me being lame~?”
You very pointedly stare at Siffrin. He very pointedly does not look back.
Mirabelle quickly saves him from anything he might be afraid of you saying though. “You are pretty cool!” she smiles brightly, clasping her hands. “I-I mean! Without you, we never would’ve made it to the top floor of the House! And we never would’ve rescued Siffrin!! It’s all thanks to you, Loop!!” Her eyes are sparkling.
You blink a bit. You… were not actually expecting praises. You know Siffrin said that they all wanted to thank you, but…
You honestly kind of thought he was just lying to make you feel better?
Still, you’ve got a role to play, and play it you will.
You grin. “Sweet, sweet Mirabelle graces me with her admiration!” you say boisterously, causing her to blush. Heh. Same ol’ Mira. “Really though, I didn’t do much! I just ushered some lost little ducklings towards their goal, is all!”
“Okay but, we were like, really lost little ducklings though,” Isabeau laughs, rubbing the back of his head. “We never would've found Sif without your help, Loop! We never would've saved everyone, either!” His hand drops and he smiles brightly with crossed arms. “You’re as much a Savoir of Vaugarde as any of us! So yeah!! Thanks, Loop!!”
“Za’s right!” Bonnie is quick to chip in, raising their hands as they always do. “Thanks, Loop!! We couda never done this without you!!”
This one… is a little bit harder to swallow. Bonnie’s little addition makes it go down easier, but…
You don’t even want to directly look at Isabeau. You think if you do, you’ll have to go against Siffrin’s blind belief in you and kill him. Kill him dead. You don’t even want Isabeau. Not like that. Not… Not this Isabeau. Their Isabeau. And yet…
You push all of your pitiful, disgusting thoughts away and grin. You’ve never been more happy for your lack of a mouth.
“Thank you, starbits~!” you singsong, closing your eyes, clasping your hands together and pushing them up to your cheek, shoulder naturally following. “You’re both so kind~!”
You let your hands fall to be in front of you. You don’t open your eyes, but you turn in the general direction of where Odile is sitting. You can feel the slight shift of everyone else doing the same.
She must be looking at her book, because it takes a good two beats for her to let out a small noise.
“Oh, is it my turn?” she says blandly. “Yes, yes. Thank you ever so much, Loop.”
If it were anyone else, you’d think they were messing with you. But you know Odile. Maybe not this one in particular, but you know her.
When you open your eyes, she’s looking at you with warm eyes. She means what she says as deeply as she possibly can, even if it’s wrapped in 80 layers of false disinterest.
You giggle. “Thank you, M’dame,” you say, calm, cool and collected. You put one hand in front of you and one behind and take a deep bow. When you lift back up, Odile is back in her book, but the small smile on her face is unmissable.
You look over all of them. They… They look the same.
No matter how much you wish they had something different, any speck of abnormality in the spot the difference of your own family overlaid overtop of Siffrin’s…
You… think you should leave now.
“Well!” you clap. “Thank you all for the many praises! I’m really grateful, truly.” You look at them one last time before you tear your gaze away to look down at Siffrin beside you. “That’s all, right? You just wanted me to accept their thanks?”
Out of the corner of your eye, you see everyone frown in their own special ways. Mirabelle blinks as her smile slowly drops. Isabeau’s waivers before falling steadily. Odile’s is just as subtle as her smile, but her creased eyebrows give her away. And Bonnie’s whole body is frowning somehow.
When you look forward again, Siffrin looks like you just hit them with the most powerful Rock Craft ever thrown.
Ah…
Did you… misspeak?
Your eyes squint uncomfortably. “Um… Was that. Not all?” You laugh nervously. “Sorry~! Little ol’ Loop made an oopsie~!” You lift your arms up and pat at your head. “Ehe! My bad~!”
You hold the pose for a moment before dropping it.
The group around you now looks what you can only describe as really, really sad.
You really wish (not wish. No wishing) want them to not do that.
They continue to do that.
You kind of wish want Siffrin to change his mind and kill you now.
He does not do that. In fact, he pushes out his hands and grabs yours before murmuring, “Loop…” Their tone is so hurt. “Did you… Did you think I was kidding?”
“I-I…” you stutter. Oh stars. You… You kind of still did? “Um.”
“Are you not comin’ with us, Loop?” Bonnie asks. You turn to them. Their face is screwed up in the way that tells you they’re kind of upset, but they’re trying really hard not to let it be known. “I thought Frin said you were gonna come see Nille with us!”
“And then to Jouvente?” Isabeau adds.
“And to Ka Bue,” Odile adds, surprising you. “Apparently there’s a type of local tea you really like that Siffrin really wants you to try again?” She doesn’t look at you as she talks, but you can tell she’s not joking. “I did want to thank you in a more gratifying way.”
“A-and then!! Wherever else!!” Mirabelle finishes. “Me and Siffrin aren’t really looking to stop traveling even after that! A-and I thought they said you were… Going to come with us…?”
Oh.
They’re…
They’re all serious.
You bite back a laugh.
“You’re all as sweet as time,” you start, feeling Siffrin’s hands squeeze immediately, “But… I wouldn’t want to intrude. After all, five’s a party, but six is a crowd~!”
“Um?” Isabeau laughs, bemused, “I don’t think that’s a real saying??”
“Oh, what do you know, jock?” you sneer just a twinge unkindly. Something just small enough that it won’t alarm anyone but those in the know.
Again, Siffrin’s hands squeeze. They’re kind of getting annoying now.
You’re ready for Isabeau to change his mind on you now, convince the group you’re not worth it if you're going to be so snappy, so rude, so—
“Eh,” Isabeau shrugs, going against your hastily scribbled script, “You’re right! What do I know?” Then of all things, he laughs.
You blink, completely unprepared.
“Um!” Mirabelle pipes up, “I! Also think that’s not a real saying?” She looks apologetic for a moment before brightening. “But! Even if it was!! We can always change that!!”
Ahh right, right. Change. How could you forget.
“Yeah!” Bonnie cheers. “Who cares about some crabbing saying!? We want you to come with us, Loop!” They look at the others. “Right?”
“Right!” Isabeau and Mirabelle nod immediately.
Odile lets her script-sanctioned beat pass before huffing playfully, “What’s one more youngster?”
Finally, you look back at Siffrin as they speak again. “We talked about this all night, Loop,” they say. “We really do want you to join us.”
“Not that anyone’s forcing you!” Isabeau adds after you’re quiet for a few seconds. “If you really don’t wanna come, you—”
“I’m coming,” you cut off, surprising even yourself. You blink. “I-I mean…”
Isabeau’s face lights up along with everyone else’s. “You are?” he asks, stupid, blinding smile taking over his features. Mirabelle and Bonnie look just as happy. Odile’s still got a small frown on her face, but it’s not an upset one. It’s one of her I’m puzzling something out faces. Which… only moderately worries you.
…Stars. Were you really doing this? After everything?
You steel yourself before smiling lightly. “I am,” you nod.
Mirabelle, Isabeau and Bonnie all cry out excitedly. Odile’s face clears, and Siffrin grins, seemingly content.
Fine. If they wanted to drag you along just to regret it along the way, who were you to say no? Not like you were planning on doing much else, anyways.
“Alright!” Isabeau roars, punching the air, “Let’s get this show on the road!”
“YEAH!!” Bonnie shouts, mimicking Isabeau’s actions.
“Time to work these weary old bones again already?” Odile grumbles good naturedly, standing up from the bench the other three were crowded around. She stretches up, pushing her back out with her free hand. “Let’s get moving then. We may just make it to the next town over within a few days after all.”
“Oh!” Mirabelle gasps. “Loop, do you not have any luggage to bring with you?”
You hum. “Technically,” you say with a wink.
“Technically??” she asks with a confused smile. You don’t elaborate, simply choosing to wink again. “Um??”
“Don’t worry about it Mira,” Siffrin laughs. “You’re never getting this one out of them.”
“Okay??” It’s clear the poor housemaiden can tell she’s missing context for something and doesn’t know how to ask for it, but Siffrin was right. She wasn’t getting it from you.
“Um…” a new voice mumbles, causing the whole party to turn towards it. On the other end is a small child, tugging at Siffrin’s cloak. In their other hand is an absolutely unmistakable object. “You’re the one from the sky, right?”
Oh, you remember this kid. Their voice is so soft. It’s hard to forget. You talked to them nearly every loop in the beginning.
Siffrin nods with a kind smile. “You found my hat!”
“Me and the other kids saw it fall from the sky too…” the kid explains. “It made me remember it was yours. So I thought I should give it back to you, just like the flower.” They push the hat forward. “It might be a bit crinkly… My mom wanted to wash it for you.” They look away shyly. “Sorry.”
Siffrin takes his hat gingerly from the child. “Tell her I said thank you,” he smiles easily.
The child looks back with sparkles in their eyes. “O-okay!” they nod. “Bye sky wizard!” they wave, beginning to scurry away. “Thank you for saving us!”
Isabeau cracks a laugh as soon as they’re out of sight. “Sky wizard?” he just barely manages through giggles.
Siffrin flushes immediately. “I’ll tell you later,” he squeaks.
“What!?” Bonnie rages. “No way! I wanna know why Frin’s a sky wizard too!!”
“I would also be interested in this story,” Odile smirks.
Mirabelle rounds it out with a, “You have to tell me too, then!”
Siffrin is now about three shades darker than you think is healthy for someone like him to be. Might as well save him.
“You can walk and talk, can’t you, Stardust?” you grin. Though his cheeks remain dark, he nods quickly, which seems to do the job of starting the walk down the long road to Bambouche.
Isabeau hoists two bags upon his back, one looking a bit heavier than the other, prompting the others to do the same with their single bags. It makes you feel very naked suddenly, which is a feat considering you haven’t been wearing clothes since you materialized in this form.
“Oh!” you gasp over dramatically, moving over to Isabeau. “There’s no need for you to carry two of those, starbit!” You very, very carefully remove the extra bag from his back. You do not touch him. Your new disgusting starry hands do not dare make contact with this fighter that does not and never will belong to you.
As soon as the deed is done, you pretend the pack is too heavy for you and lean back with its weight, allowing you a natural looking way to pull back from Isabeau.
“Woah~!” you giggle, straightening once you feel like you won’t snap from proximity. “You’re even stronger than you look, huh starbit?”
“I-is it too heavy for you?” Isabeau frets, reaching out. “I can handle it if you can’t!”
You sway backwards again, cleanly dodging the other’s hand. “It’s a liiittle heavy, but~!” You buck up and bounce on the heel of your feet a bit. “I’m all good! Nooo worries~!”
Isabeau’s face pinches for a moment before clearing. “If you’re sure, Loop!” he says, thankfully dropping it.
“Are we good now?” Bonnie asks. They’re a little ahead of everyone now, jogging in place. “Can we go?”
“Think so, Bonbon!” Isabeau grins, beginning to head their way. “Let’s get going!”
“YES!” Bonnie shouts, bolting ahead. “We’re comin’, Nille!!”
“Bonnie, wait!” Mirabelle yelps, running after the preteen. “Don’t go too far ahead!” Odile follows silently, albeit at a much slower pace.
This leaves you and Siffrin.
You turn to him. He’s fiddling with his hat.
“What?” you prod, elbowing him a bit. “Is it actually crinkly?”
The rogue barely responds. You frown.
“Stardust?” you try again. “Something the matter?”
Siffrin looks up at you and pushes his head forward. We should at least pretend to keep up, he says without saying it, beginning to walk without a word. You follow side by side and wait for them to explain why they’ve been staring daggers into one of their most favored accessories.
Finally, after what feels like forever (it’s probably barely been a minute, but you and time haven’t exactly gotten along well in recent history), they speak.
“You know,” they sigh, “I… I don’t think I want to wear this anymore.”
You make an ooh! of surprise. “What happened to my cute little Stardust overnight?” you tease. “First you’re talking to your friends openly and honestly and now you’re tossing your signature hat? What’s next? Giving away your cloak~?”
“I am never giving away my cloak,” Siffrin shuts down immediately, making you burst into a quick fit of laughter. “But…” he continues once you’ve quieted down, “I do think I’m giving this away.”
You hum and tuck your hands behind your back underneath the backpack. “How much do you think you’ll get for it?” you humor. “I’d say it’s worth at leaaast…” Hold for effect… “Mmm… 20 million silver pieces. Something to that effect, surely.”
You’re smiling at your own joke when Siffrin shuffles a few paces ahead of you before coming to a stop. Curious, you stop in front of him.
“Something the matter?” you ask.
For a few seconds longer he glares at his hat before giving a determined nod and shoving it in your face.
You blink.
“You… want me to sell it?” you question, trying to understand why. Sure, you’ve got an absolutely outstanding gift of gab thanks to your wish but—
“You want to sell it,” Siffrin pouts playfully, rolling his eye and sticking his tongue out. “I’m giving it away.”
“...For me to sell,” you repeat, still a bit confused. You just said that.
“For you to have, dummy,” Siffrin insists, waving it in his hands now. “It’s a present.”
“It’s a hand-me-down,” you correct, lowering the hat and subsequently their arms from in front of your face. “Why would I want a hand-me-down?”
To that, Siffrin gives a contemplative look before catching your eye.
“I… think you’ll need it.”
For once, you can tell the tables have turned in this weird little chess game you two have been playing since day one. You are suddenly scrambling to avoid checkmate. Even though an open field lays all around you the feeling of being backed into a corner is suffocating.
You can see it clear as day on their face.
Siffrin has figured out something before you.
You realize this thought scares you more than it has any right to.
And you hate it.
Before they’re able to glean any more from you, you snap up the hat and will yourself in front of Siffrin, continuing your walk. You hear him skitter to catch up before falling back in line with you.
You two walk in silence now, you examining the hat thoroughly. It’s actually not crinkly at all. It’s just as you remember it, in fact.
“...You sure are interesting, Stardust,” you say finally.
Siffrin only hums as a response.
You let two beats pass before throwing out your next line. “You ever pick up that bell on your last go around?”
The energy around Siffrin stifles immediately. You almost feel bad for bringing it up.
Almost.
You wait for them to regain their composure quietly.
“...I did,” they croak after a moment. “Why?”
“Hand it over.” It’s not a request.
They can’t seem to throw it away fast enough.
You snatch it out of the air and make quick work of attaching it to the tip of the hat.
“Pfft,” Siffrin giggles.
“Whaaaat~?” you pout. “You don’t like my bell?” You jingle it. It rings. “Ding ding?”
Siffrin squints at you with a big dumb grin on their face and says nothing.
You blow a raspberry. (You consider this a very amazing feat for someone who lacks a mouth.)
The conversation lulls again, but it’s comfortable this time. You have yet to don the hat, still looking it over. It’s still missing something…
You furrow your brows and look to the side in thought. A particle near you shimmers in thought along with you.
…Oh!
You smile and wrap your hand around it, crushing it roughly.
“Loop?” Siffrin asks, sounding equal parts surprised and worried.
You giggle and push out one finger of your fist, bringing it to where your lips would be before moving the hand to the bell and opening it. The shimmer floats up and overtakes the bell, enveloping it entirely with a small flash of light.
“There!” you giggle. “Now, let’s try that again.” You clear your throat before looking back at Siffrin. “You don’t like my starbell?” You tap it. It rings, higher than the original bell did and with a bit of an echo. “Ding ding?”
This time, Siffrin laughs. He laughs loud and hard and maybe it’s only because of the sudden burst of his emotional bubble, but…
You find yourself laughing along with him.
“HEY!!”
Both you and Siffrin startle and look ahead. Bonnie is in the distance, waving their arms.
“HURRY THE CRAB UP, DINGBATS!! WE’LL NEVER MAKE IT TO BAMBOUCHE AT THIS POINT!!”
The two of you look at each other for only a second before bursting back into laughter.
“We’re on our way, Bonster~!” you call out with a dainty wave of your hand.
“GOOD!!” Bonnie shouts back before turning and running off again.
“We shouldn’t keep them waiting any longer,” Siffrin says, finally catching his breath.
“Probably,” you agree.
The rogue lifts a finger and smirks at you. “Wanna see who gets there first?”
You scoff. “Stardust,” you say blandly, willing yourself forward a bit. You’re looking behind you now, towards Siffrin. “One of us has teleportation powers.” You move ahead again. “The other one isn’t supposed to be using his Craft skills for quite some time, last time I checked~”
Siffrin purses his lips with a wry look on his face. The feeling of Craft usage fills the air as they mumble their little pun and snap their fingers.
You roll your eyes. Always such a masochist, this one.
Before you know it, they’ve taken over and rushed past you. You blink and look ahead again, watching his cloak flutter behind him.
“You think I’m about to let you hurt yourself and win?” you scoff once more, mumbling your own little pun and snapping your fingers. Craft surrounds your being. “We’ll see about that!”
In your excitement, you forget to think about your spiky excuse for a head when shoving on your new hat. You can hear the fabric easily give way and rip, but the sound of the wind pushing against your face and your starbell jingling is so much more prevalent. You find you’re much more concerned with catching up with everyone else (and beating Siffrin there to boot!) than some mendable tears.
You run forward and you don’t look back.
end a/n:aaahahahaaaa get hatted idiot
wc: 2,5496
uploaded 5/30/24
a/n: do u guys like to meander? me? personally? i loooooooove to meander. one of my favorite hobbies even. hey. hey no. no, dont look at how little forward progress is made in this. hey. *snaps my fingers* thats not important. look at me. look into my eyes.
It’s not long before the two of you start to catch up with the others. You're neck and neck for the whole go. It’s not until you’ve raced past Odile, who’s still lagging a bit behind, does the victor truly prove themself.
“Gems alive, Siffrin!” she exasperates as you rush by. “You still haven’t recovered from your Craft usage yet! You’ll—”
Odile cuts herself off in a gasp as Siffrin suddenly falls out of the running. Literally.
You skid to a stop and twirl around, pushed off kilter a bit from the luggage you forgot you were oh so generously packing right now. When you recover, Odile has just barely caught up and is beginning to bend down to pick up the dazed rogue.
“Oh, Stardust!” you cry, willing yourself to be kneeling near him. Odile has raised him so he’s not flat on his face at least. He’s wheezing heavily. You knew this would happen. “You okay?” you ask, pushing a finger to your cheek and tilting your head into it.
He gives you a withering look. I would have beat you, you can almost hear. I would have beat you so bad.
You giggle. They really thought they could have won. Cute!
“You shouldn’t have exerted yourself so soon,” Odile scolds. She looks like trying to support Siffrin is weighing on her a bit more than you’d really like to see, so you quickly right yourself and shoulder the toll. Odile blinks, surprised. What, did she think you were just gonna stand around and watch?
…You realize a little belatedly that maybe she did.
You promptly push the thought out of your mind.
“Sorry, Odile…” Siffrin coughs. It’s a little pathetic. You do him the favor of not mentioning it. “But I really had to make up the time with Loop!”
You suddenly regret doing him that favor.
“You are very, very lucky you are in such awful shape right now,” you say, uncaring that you sound clearly annoyed that you can’t in good faith drop him like a sack of bricks right now. The smirk he throws your way tells you he knows exactly what position you’re in right now. He’s basically gloating that you won’t do it.
You… squint your eyes at him. You can tell some particles around you buzz with a bit of anger.
You haven’t tried this since the loops broke, but…
[Try me, Stardust.] you push into his head.
Siffrin balks immediately, eye widening. HOW CAN YOU STILL DO THAT? his expression screams.
You wink.
Odile clears her throat. The two of you look over at her in sync.
“If you two are done with your silent conversation,” she muses, causing Siffin to at least look slightly embarrassed. You, not so much. Nothing to be embarrassed about, honestly. “I think the others may have finally realized we’re behind.”
“What makes you say that, M’dame?” you ask brightly. In response, Odile simply nudges her head forward.
Again you and Siffrin turn your heads, this time straight ahead.
In the distance is a very Bonnie shaped speck. Even from this far you can tell it’s rapidly getting bigger.
The three of you continue at your snail’s pace. Might as well meet up in the middle.
Before long, housemaiden and fighter shaped dots make themselves known as well. They close in on Bonnie soon after, as the kid stops a good amount of the way before truly hitting what you would consider middleground.
“Hey!!” they shout, throwing their hands up. “Are you guys okay!!” It’s practically not a question the way they say it.
You look over the meager pickings of who of you here is loud enough to reply and (act like you) sigh arduously. Heavy is the head, and all.
“We’re fiiine, Bonster~!” you shout back. “A certain little rogue just tuckered themself out is all~!”
Siffrin takes this time to look rightly sheepish, but you don’t push.
“IS FRIN OKAY?!” Bonnie shouts back even louder, clearly panicked. They don’t even wait for an answer as they tear off. “FRIN, DON’T WORRY! I’M COMING!!”
“Awww, look! They’re so worried about you!” you tease. You try to translate pushing out your tongue without a mouth again. You must succeed in some way, because Siffrin does that exact thing right back at you.
When you laugh this time, you find there’s not a drop of malice in it.
The little chef is a quick one. It’s only a minute later by the time they’ve made their way to you fully, Mirabelle and Isabeau lagging behind but in tow.
“Frin!!” Bonnie cries, shooting into him like a rocket and nearly toppling all three of you. Geez, this kid had some kick in them! “Frin, you’re okay, right?” they ask into his cloak, “You promised me we’d protect each other from now on, s-so you don’t get to do any stupid stuff and hurt yourself anymore!” They pull back to look him in the eye. “So you’re okay, right? You’re okay?”
Stars. You think if this were you in this situation, you’d just up and die right then and there. Yep. Just biting the big one right here. Dead. Doorknob dead, even. So dead.
You choose to believe the trembling you feel is being gifted to you from Siffrin’s nerves and not your own.
The rogue does have the right mind to look guilty, though. “Sorry, Bonbon,” they apologize in a voice so genuine it kind of makes you want to drop them again, “I… Maybe forgot? That I wasn’t supposed to be using Crafts right now.” They laugh weakly.
[Liar.] you accuse. You think you do a good job at making it seem properly upset, but you’re unsure if it’s because you’re upset at him for lying, or upset at the fact Bonnie seems to believe him, if their face is anything to go by. It’s probably both.
The flinch he gives is nigh imperceptible. You doubt even the kid caught it. But of course you did. You squeeze the shoulder you have in your grasp right now. He doesn’t respond. He doesn’t have to for you to know he gets the message.
“Oh…” Bonnie mumbles, completely missing the seconds long exchange between two sides of the same coin. “It was an accident…?” They look up at Siffrin hopefully.
You don’t say anything. You want to see what Siffrin does. You want to see what his choices in this new, scary, loopless world will look like.
He swallows hard.
“Yep,” he chuckles. “You know I’d forget my own name again if you all didn’t say it all the time.”
They pointedly do not look at you as you stare at them, boring holes into the blind side of their head.
You could keep your judgments quiet. To yourself. Just have them be Loop Thoughts™️ and let everyone else struggle to figure out your true feelings.
But Siffrin won’t get any better if they think no one is going to hold them to their promise and slap them on the wrist when they hide away again. So, you wordlessly take upon this awful, terrible, no good role for yourself and hope you can play it straight.
…Plus, if you were being truly honest yourself, it was kind of fun making Siffrin squirm~!
[Strike one.] you admonish.
As expected, the acknowledgement of his sins causes the rogue to shiver and shift uncomfortably. The bright expression that you plaster on when he looks over at you with a look of Have some pity, at least! does not falter.
Bonnie though, again not privy to this private game of 4d chess you were subjecting their poor sibling-thing to, nods seriously.
“That’s true,” they muse, letting go of Siffrin finally to cross their arms and put a closed fist to their chin. They look like a little Thinker statue. “That’s true.”
“Do you need any healing?” Mirabelle asks, finally having her cue come up. She and Isabeau had been standing here for a moment now, arriving just in time to hear their dear friend lie to them. “You really don’t look so great…” A frown pulls at her face and you can see her struggling not to bite her nails. She keeps pulling them up to her mouth and blowing softly, but not doing much else.
“No, no,” Siffrin assures in the least assuring way you’ve ever heard. “I’m fine!” Right. Because he also meant it the 80 trillion other times he had said it, too. “Really, look. I can stand on my own, even!”
He shifts a bit and you don’t really think about moving yourself until, after a small breath, Siffrin suddenly shoots up beside you.
You still have a head on him, so you were bending over to support him. You must’ve been leaning on him too much though, because when he straightens, his noggin conks against yours in a way that is so uncomfortably foreign you don’t think about it twice before willing yourself away a couple inches to the left. This leaves him off balance now though, and he wobbles before righting himself, rubbing at the spot that made rough contact with you.
You’re a mirror image, aside from the actual physicality of the matter. You rub at your own head and do not mourn the fact the small group all began to rush forward to aid Siffrin and not you.
You really don’t want to think about what that thought would do to you if you dwelled on it right now, so you don’t!
Instead, you tut. “Real head banger of an idea,” you jeer with an eye roll.
Nobody laughs. In fact, it’s almost as if they didn’t hear you.
“Should we stop here?” Mirabelle is asking.
“But we can still see Dormont from here!!” Bonnie argues.
You’re sure Isabeau and Odile have a comment too, but hearing the kid’s makes you stiffen.
Could you? Could you still see Dormont from here, if you looked?
You consider.
You’ve been looking in front of you at the group since you freed yourself from Siffrin’s side. All it would take is a sideways glance to the right.
Maybe you’d even still be able to see the House if you did.
That starforsaken House. That… prison.
You consider for a long moment, staring emptily on as the party mingles and decides what to do with their poor, poor rogue who knows how to do little else but make bad decision after bad decision.
You know if you looked back and saw it, you wouldn’t be able to continue on. You know it, deep within your heart of hearts. Or, whatever you have for a heart now, you guess.
Something something, out of sight, out of mind, right? You guess the inverse was also true, then. In sight, on mind, 24/7.
You…
You… decide… to…
“Loop!”
You startle about four inches into the air, just barely catching yourself as you regain your senses and force yourself to reappear back on the ground.
You clear your throat (for no reason) and smile with closed eyes at the group. You”ve actually already forgotten who addressed you, so this is the easiest way to make them speak again. “Yes~?” you singsong, bending forward a bit with hands clasped together down in front of you.
“We were asking if you thought we should rest here for now and keep moving in a bit or make it to a good campsite first,” Isabeau informs. Ah. Must’ve been him, then.
You open your eyes and look up and far to the left. Sun’s still high.
“Hmm~” you mumble loudly (which doesn’t really make it a mumble anymore? But you’re mumbling. If you know one thing right now, you know this: you’re mumbling. It just happens to be a very loud mumble. You are absolutely not buying time as you mumble loudly either. It’s just what’s happening right now) for a moment. Then you turn back to the fighter. “I think we can hoof it to the next site and set up camp by midday if we keep at it!” you finally answer.
“True,” Odile quickly agrees. “It’d be safer to get everything down and a perimeter secured before nightfall, too.” She looks at you with her steady eyes. “I’m with Loop. Let’s press on a little further.”
“Further!!” Bonnie cheers. “We’ll get to the next town quicker too!!” You… don’t actually think that one’s true, but you make no comment.
“Well, it looks like we’d be outnumbered anyways, Mira!” Isabeau laughs. “Not that I’m not also on board with keeping it moving. After all, the further we go a day, the sooner we get to Bambouche, right?” He looks down at Bonnie with excited eyes. They’re practically vibrating.
“YEAH!!” they roar. “And then we’ll go see Nille and I’ll show you guys around and I’ll make so much food for everybody and—!!!”
“Okay, Boniface,” Odile calms, walking over and placing a hand atop their head. “Don’t run out of breath.”
Oh, they are a little winded. They take deep breaths in a way very similar to you Siffrin for a few seconds before nodding.
“Okay, I’m good now!” They look at Siffrin then, a bit of apprehension quickly making itself known in their posture. “You sure you can keep goin’, Frin?”
Your eye cuts at him in a way that they ignore but that you know is acknowledged. They nod with a smile you recognize for the fake it is. “I’m sure, Bonbon.”
“Then let’s go!!” Bonnie smiles wide, tossing their hands up. They bring them right back down after though, seemingly conscious of the fact they won’t be able to speed ahead now.
Everyone looks over each other once more before nodding as you… awkwardly stand off to the side. You do not make your presence overtly known. Instead, you pretend to be inspecting your nailless fingers until the group begins to move forward again.
You do think now is the opportune moment to spring this upon everyone, though.
“Sooo, Stardust,” you start in a tone you know Siffrin will place before anybody else. They whip their head around.
Don’t, you can see them plead. Like you were about to kill them or something. You grin harder.
“About that sky wizard stuff~?” you singsong, awaiting the madness.
The youngest members of the group immediately all burst into action, taking your bait hook, line and sinker. Questions and comments and theories are all being thrown out in ways you don’t bother to actually pay attention to. All you see is your stardust, staring at you with equal parts betrayal and disdain.
[It’s your fault I’m here.] you’re quick to remind him with a curt glance to boot.
In response he makes that same stupid face from before, back when he first invited you to come along.
You want to wash it off with industrial cleaner so that it never returns.
You don't do that though. You simply wave daintily with your fingers. You hope it riles him up, if only a bit.
The whirlwind of inquires suddenly embiggens, now including Odile in the mix. She’d pulled out one of her billions of books while you weren’t paying attention, pencil at the ready.
Ah well. You’re sure your little quip will keep them all well and busy for now. You find yourself tuning everyone out as you walk, paying little attention to anything surrounding you.
This was it, then. That was your very last are you really, absolutely, super duper sure you don’t wanna run back to your own personal hell like a scared, abused dog runs to their master? prompt. And you had made your choice.
You glance sideways at everyone, still not bothering to try and catch anything. In one nonexistent ear and out the other.
In this moment, they look… happy.
You…
You feel like an outsider.
…You’ll never forget this.
end a/n: you got a memory of othering! when equipped, all your self loathing thoughts double! arent you lucky?
wc: 4,547
uploaded 5/31/24
a/n: its snacks time baby
The sun’s blessed light is just starting to wane as you make yourself busy pretending to gather firewood.
You were. Gathering firewood, that is. You did. There’s currently a sizable stack sitting pretty underneath a bush near a tree that you had expertly marked.
(May the poor rock that you used to bash an impromptu gash into the bark with before remembering you very well could have just used one of your Crafts and saved everyone the time and trouble find rest among the stars.)
So now you were here pretending to gather firewood. Because you didn’t want to make your face known amongst the camp goers just yet.
Scared little Loop, some part of you admonishes scathingly. Can’t handle seeing your family while they look at you like a stranger?
…No. You can’t, actually. Not right now.
When the camp was established a bit ago, Siffrin was immediately put on bed rest. You helped assemble the tents you had carried thus far (which really explained the load) and then immediately remembered the sleeping arrangements that were status quo currently.
Odile sleeps on her own, as always, Mirabelle bunks with Bonnie and Siffrin gets to have Isabeau all for himself.
A deep part of you absolutely thrashes with rage.
But you’re no child. Stars, you’re probably older than this Siffrin is, even! You won’t be having a little temper tantrum in front of everyone.
So you’ll have it here, your own voice mocks.
…So you’ll have it here.
“Oh!” gasps the last voice you want to hear right now. “Loop! I found you!”
You’re faced away from the fighter as he makes his noisy approach towards you. You take the last seconds of solitude you have and go on your most extensive and condensed face journey yet before turning with a smile.
…His hand is out, reaching for you.
You don’t look at it. Maybe if you stood completely still, he would finish. He would finally touch you. He would touch you and laugh about something stupid and you’d laugh with him and you’d be so, so happy because finally, finally he touched you and—!
His hand falls back to his side.
The deja vu makes you want to puke.
Right, right. How could you forget? Even when you’re currently not a Siffrin, never will be again, it’s you that’s the problem. Your Siffrinness was never the true barrier. It was always you.
“Woah,” Isabeau breathes loudly in front of you, snapping you out of it. “Do they normally do that?”
You blink. “They…?” you murmur, eyebrows creasing. Was he saying something before just now that led into this?
He must realize you’re lost, because he shifts his own meager share of firewood under his arm and points just to the side of you.
You look. A particle next to you is still calming down from being riled up by your awful emotions.
“That!” Isabeau explains as it continues to tumble into a more neutral state. “Well, it was like, a lot more spiky and spinny a few seconds ago.” He drops his hand and looks at you. His eyes are so innocent. “Do you control them?”
This is a dangerous question. If you answer wrong, it’ll change the fighter’s perception of you forever (not that you care or anything) and might make things difficult in the future.
You open your mouth and…
You… find that you don’t feel like lying right now.
“Somewhat,” drips from your mouth like molasses. You can’t look at him as you speak. “They… kind of just do their own thing most of the time.”
“What makes ‘em all spiky and spinny?” he asks like a puppy begging for some tasty, tasty information treats. You absolutely do not waiver as you explain further for some stupid reason.
“E-emotions, mainly.” You kept the answer short. No need to over explain, after all.
You already know the question that the man in front of you is going to ask before he does. That doesn’t help it go down any easier when he presses on and goes, “What emotions?”
You really don’t want to answer that question.
So, instead you force out a giggle and shake your head. “No clue, starbit!” you lie graciously. You can hear your starbell jingle softly with your movements. It seems to catch Isabeau’s attention too.
“Did Sif’s hat always have a bell on it?” he smiles inquisitively. “I don’t think so, right?”
“It didn’t!” you grin, starting to move past the fighter to where you left your bundle of sticks. “I added a little bit of Loop flair to it, since it’s mine now~!”
“Sif gave you their hat?” Isabeau sounds surprised. Honestly, you’re still not entirely sure why yourself, which you promptly forget about, because it’s just going to make you upset to dwell about.
“They did!” you push out instead. “They can be kind when they want to be, I guess.”
“Sif’s always kind,” Isabeau says, following behind you. Like one of the last things the rogue said to him before finally going off the deep end didn’t slice through him like a hot knife through butter. You know it hurt him. You know it did, just as well as you know he probably doesn’t even consider it a factor in how he views Siffrin.
You don’t comment.
Instead, you hum as you stop near your horribly wonderfully marked tree and bend over, collecting the wood. You look at Isabeau’s collection and feel a bit of satisfaction run through you. Yours was easily twice as big.
“Woah, that’s a lot!” the fighter praises. “Almost as much as I found earlier!”
Earlier?
“You’ve already collected some before that?” you ask, pointing out with a finger. The pile is too big to comfortably hold under your arm like your company is currently doing, so your hands are preoccupied with holding it in front of your midsection.
“Oh, yeah!” Isabeau smiles like the radiant being he is. “I actually came back out here to find you. I just figured I’d gather whatever else I came across along the way too.”
“Ah,” you nod. Impressively, it only takes a second for the full weight of the sentence to hit, instead of waiting until you’re in some awkward position for it to all come rushing back at you like something like this normally would. You blink. “You came to find me?” you ask, confused. It’s not like you were lost or anything. Why would he be searching for you?
“Yeah!” The man beckons forward with his free hand and begins walking. You trail behind. “Bonbon got excited about getting some food in everyone after we got the fire started. But they didn’t want to eat without you, and you weren’t back yet, so I offered to come get you!”
Oh.
Oh stars.
You don’t know what to do with this information.
“...How sweet,” you say with as much heartfelt thanks as you could muster, which was probably a whole entire drop, but it was better than nothing.
Isabeau starts talking some more, but you don’t pay attention, lost in your own thoughts now.
Bonnie wanted to make something for you. For—for everybody, you quickly correct yourself. But you were now included in that everybody.
How odd.
How sad.
You would have to break their little heart.
It only takes a few moments to reach camp. By now the sun has sunk lower, casting long shadows everywhere. Not that it really makes a difference to you, of course. You were a walking night light.
Bonnie is the first to notice you both, which is a feat considering Isabeau stomps like if he doesn’t make a shoe print in the dirt with each step it just won’t count or something.
“Za!!” they cheer, standing from where they were hunched over their wok. “You found them!!”
“I did!” Isabeau confirms happily. “And we brought more wood!”
“YES,” Bonnie grins, eyes squinting. “Throw some in! I’m almost done with dinner!!”
You watch as the fighter moves and pushes in some of his sticks into the flame. You… don’t exactly follow, but you do drift close enough to sit what you assume is a respectable distance away, placing your own offering of wood in front of you.
Unsure of what to do from there, you stare at your crossed legs. You… didn’t really want to be here right now. You kind of want to make some stupid excuse and find a way to rush off. Assure everyone it was fine to eat without you and that you’d be back before long.
You’re weighing your options when you hear Mirabelle gasp, “Oh!” like she just realized something. You don’t look up. You’re not a part of this conversation, after all.
“They ripped it, though,” you hear Bonnie pout afterwards. “Do you think they know?”
“Considering it’s on their head?” Isabeau laughs, “I’m gonna go with probably, Bonbon.”
…What in the Universe were they all talking about?
“Hey!!” Bonnie huffs, making you startle just a bit. You don’t move otherwise, though. Still not about you. “Loop!!”
Oh. They were talking to you this time after all.
You look up with a smile at the ready. “Yes, starbit~?” you ask, hoping you didn’t sound as worried as you felt. Please don’t offer me food right now, you beg silently.
“Did you know you ripped Frin’s hat with your spikes?” Bonnie asks, pointing at you with their free hand. Their other one still has a fork in it, tending to the food.
“It’s their hat now, Bonbon!” Isabeau corrects for you.
“Did you know you ripped your hat with your spikes?” the kid repeats, mending the mistake.
“Did I?” you giggle. “I hadn’t noticed, no!”
“Do you think you could fix it, Belle?” they ask, turning towards the housemaiden. She immediately perks up.
“I could!!” she beams, clasping her hands together and turning to you. “I-if you want, Loop!”
You clasp your own hands and pull them to your cheek. “I tell you what, starbit. If I can figure out how to put it on without just tearing right through it again, I’ll let you know right away and let you do whatever you want to it.”
Mirabelle claps happily. “Okay!”
“Why are you so far away, Loop?” Bonnie immediately picks up. “Come closer! Food’s done!! You gotta eat!!”
…Ah.
Time for this, then.
You squint your eyes and hope this sounds kind.
“As much as I appreciate the offer, starbit…” You sigh dramatically. “I don’t have a mouth! So, as sad as I am to say it, I’m afraid I can’t eat any of your tasty snacks.”
You don’t want to look at them. You don’t want to watch as their face falls. You don’t want to be here right now.
“Oh,” Bonnie says lamely. They stare down quietly at the food as they plate it. Then, once they’re done they ask, “...Have you tried?”
You blink.
Have you?
“...No…?” you say tentatively. “I can’t recall ever trying, no.”
Bonnie’s energy returns immediately. “You have to at least try!!” they insist, hopping up. “Za, go get Frin ‘nd Dile!” they instruct, immediately making a beeline towards you. You’re nowhere near ready by the time they’re next to you and grabbing your hands, tugging at you. “Loop, c’mon! You gotta come try it!!”
You’re not very heavy, so they pull you up with relative ease since you find you’re still too shocked to try and resist. They lead you over to the small picnic blanket where all the plates are waiting, pushing you back down once there.
You’re sitting again now, significantly more dazed than you were mere moments ago. You look on blankly as the others gather around and settle.
Siffrin yawns as he takes a seat close to you. “What’s for dinner, Bonbon?” he asks, looking over the food.
“Eggs! And! Veggies!!” Bonnie announces, arms thrown up. “I wanted eggs and still had some celery and peppers, so I put them in there!”
“Ooh!” Isabeau grins, taking a plate. “Sounds like it’ll be good!”
“A nice and easy dish for everyone to eat,” Odile nods, taking one herself. “Good choice, Boniface.”
Bonnie beams.
You tilt your head to hide your face as your eyebrows furrow. That was the first time you’d been paying enough attention to notice the way Odile had said Bonnie’s full name. You… honestly forgot it was pronounced like that.
Back when you were with your own Odile, she had pronounced it like that as well. Because, well, that’s how it was pronounced. But one day while you were resting to eat, you’d grown curious. Vaugardian words and names were always spelt so oddly to you, so you’d asked your Bonnie to spell it out for you, wondering if it sounded like it looked.
“...Bon-ee-face,” you’d remembered saying after mulling over it for a while. “That’s how I’d pronounce it if I was reading it, anyways.”
“Pfft!” Bonnie laughed at you. “Stupid Frin! That’s totally not how it’s said!!”
Odile was nearby at the time. She had hummed. “Actually, if I had read it using the linguistics of my first language, I would’ve read it like that too, Boniface,” she shrugged.
“But it’s not said like that!!” they argued, like that was the only factor that mattered right now. And they were right to think that, it was their name after all. But you had stuck out your tongue and smirked anyways.
“Boniface,” you tried, pronouncing it your way. “Like your face is made of bons. Boniface.”
“My face is made of bons…” they’d said seriously. “Hmm…” They’d pinched their face in thought, crossing their arms.
“What’re you thinking so hard about, Bonbon?” you had asked with a playful smile. They pursed their lips and looked pensively from you and Odile before nodding, looking determined.
“Alright! I decided!!” They threw their hands up over their head. “Frin, you and Dile both agree my name is stupid, right?”
You had laughed in surprise. “What?” you asked through giggles. When you looked over at Odile to see her reaction, she had a very bemused smirk on her face.
“Never once said that, but sure. I’ll humor you.” She doesn’t actually agree, but it’s enough of a yes for the kid anyways.
“Cool!!” they continued. “So we all agree! It’s stupid!!” They looked at you for a last confirmation and you just continued to laugh and nod with shrug. Sure. You’d humor them too. “Cool!! Then from now on, don’t say my name like you normally do, Dile!” they demanded.
“Just because we’d pronounce it differently in a language other than Vaugardian?” Odile chuckled.
“And ‘cause it’s stupid!!” they nodded fervently. “So only Boniface from now on!!”
It was rich, really. A stray thought of yours leading your kid to completely change the pronunciation of their name. And because the original way was stupid, of course.
“Whatever you say, Boniface,” Odile laughed out, using the new way of saying it. Bonnie had cheered and kicked the air from where they were sitting.
Mira and Isa had returned shortly after, having gone to collect the firewood. They were immediately told of the new development. Mira had beamed, sparkles in her eyes, talking about how happy she was to hear about Bonnie’s Change. Isa had also congratulated them, making them very happy that everyone had accepted it.
You honestly didn’t think about it too hard after, aside from when Odile had addressed the chef a couple times before you had all turned in for that night, using the new pronunciation.
You had thought she, along with everyone else, would forget about it by tomorrow.
They did not, as it turned out.
From then on, Odile had continued to use the new pronunciation. She never once slipped.
You didn’t think you’d ever hear her revert back in your lifetime.
…But then, you didn’t, did you? This isn’t your Odile. This isn’t even your Bonnie. There was no reversion. It simply never happened to these versions.
Some deep, horrible, forlorn pang ripples through your very being.
You’ve never been happier you no longer possess the ability to cry.
“Loop?”
You snap your head up. Siffrin has a hesitant hand on your shoulder.
You stare at him. You bore holes into his face. You want to tear him apart. Limb from limb. Discard the pieces and pretend like there never was a Siffrin, only a Loop. You want to be Loop, but you have to be Siffrin. Did that make sense? That didn’t make sense. It didn’t matter. You didn’t care. You want your friends back. You want your friends. Not his. These are his friends, not yours. They never were. They never will be, will they? They never will be. You want to scream. You want to destroy everything. You—
“Yes, stardust~?” you grit out, smiling so hard it hurts. “Sorry, did you need something? I kind of zoned out for a sec there~!”
You know your lack of facial features makes it hard for Siffrin to read you. You relish in it, happy to know he won’t ever know anything you think without your say so. He’s got a frown on his face, looking worried. He opens his mouth and lets it hang for a second, before finally saying something.
“...Bonnie wants you to try their food,” they inform. You can see in their eye that’s not what they actually wanted to say, but you doubt whatever they had in mind was Bonnie Safe. You hope they forget by the time the coast is clear.
“Oh!” you chuckle, picking up the remaining plate. “Right, right! I’m supposed to be seeing if I can do this whole eating thing, aren’t I?”
“Yeah!!” Bonnie nods, bouncing a bit with the force of it. They’ve still got a little food in their mouth, so they swallow before continuing. “You gotta try!!”
You nod solemnly. “One honest try coming up, Bonster~!”
There’s a fork provided for you, but you simply pick up a small piece of egg with your forefingers. It’s small enough that it won’t be much of a waste whilst still being big enough to see when it fails to be consumed. You tilt your head back and hover it over where your mouth would be, approximately.
“Bottoms up!” you say, dropping it.
You watch as it falls the small distance before evaporating the second it touches your face. It produces a small flash as it burns up into nothingness.
“WOAH,” Bonnie gasps loudly. “Was that you eatin’ it?”
You smile sadly. Part of you wants to take the out they’ve accidentally given you, say yes, of course! and proceed to blast the rest of the food in front of you to kingdom come. Anything to not hurt them.
But that’d just end up wasting their hard work. Besides, you’d rather just get this out of the way now. It’d be tiresome to keep up an act like that for long.
“Sorry, Bonster,” you pout. “I guess my face is just too hot to handle~!”
“Your face melted it?” Bonnie asks, wonder abundant in their tone.
You can’t help the small laugh that leaves you. “Something like that, starbit,” you settle on.
“Cool…” they breathe. “Oh, but wait!” they say, shaking their head. “Does that mean you really can’t eat, then?”
“‘Fraid not, kiddo,” you frown, delivering the bad news with your own small head shake.
They look devastated. You tilt your head down, hiding your face. You don’t want to see this.
“Hey, it’s okay, Bonnie!” Siffrin says quickly, swooping in to save the day as always, “Loop may be unable to eat your food, but I know there’s something else you can do for them.”
Do for you? What do they mean, do for you? Why would Bonnie want to do anything for you?
“Yeah!” Isabeau continues, pushing the conversation forward. “Your cooking’s where it’s at, but I bet you could make a drawing just as good as these eggs!”
“A drawing?” Bonnie asks, a bit muffled from their full mouth.
“Swallow first, Boniface,” Odile instructs. You pretend the memory you got lost in earlier doesn’t resurface and try to kill you with nothing but raw emotion. You think you mostly succeed.
“Why a drawing?” Bonnie presses after swallowing as told.
“Well, I mean… You’ve drawn all of us before, haven’t you?” Isabeau says, a thoughtful look on his face.
“Mmhm,” the kid nods. “What about it?”
“Oh, I get it!!” Mirabelle cuts in with a bubbly grin. “You put just as much love into all of your drawings as you put into your meals, Bonnie! You drawing them would be the perfect substitute!”
Is that how that worked?
“Oh!” Bonnie smiles. “Okay!!” They quickly shove the rest of their food in their mouth and swallow roughly. “Dile!! Paper me!!”
Odile raises an eyebrow with a small smile on her face. “Boniface, it’s nearly nightfall,” she informs. “You won’t be able to see the paper in front of your face if you try to draw now.”
“Wrong!” they shout back. “‘Cause paper’s super light and the grass is super dark! So I’d be able to see it just fine!!”
“Ooh, they’ve got you there, M’dame,” Isabeau chuckles, polishing off the rest of his share.
“They most certainly do not,” Odile says flatly, rolling her eyes and turning towards the kid. “No drawing tonight, Boniface. But,” she stresses before they can interrupt, “When we reach Plusche, I will give you ample drawing time then.”
“YES!!” they cheer. “Loop!!” They spread their legs apart and point at you. “I’m gonna draw you!! When we get to Plusche!! Okay!!” It’s not a question.
You grin. You’re glad your expressions can never truly betray you again. “Okay~!” you nod, holding clasped hands up to your cheek.
“Cool!!” Bonnie quickly moves their plate to their pack after wiping it off and climbs into one of the tents, pushing their head out a second later. “I’m goin’ to sleep so we can get to Plusche faster!” they announce. “Goodnight!”
“Goodnight!” Mirabelle and Isabeau call back with matching fond smiles.
“Goodnight,” Odile also says, albeit much more subdued. Bonnie giggles as they pull their head back into the tent.
You turn to Siffrin. He’s waving in lieu of saying anything, face stuffed with eggs. You just now notice the lack of plate in your lap, seeing it has joined Siffrin’s in a pile on his lap now.
You don’t comment. You remember when you still had quite an appetite yourself. If he wanted it, he didn’t have to ask. Not like you could’ve eaten it anyways.
Mirabelle finishes her meal now and stretches. “I think I’ll go ahead and join them,” she smiles softly. She stands and bends to grab her dish, but Isabeau beats her to it.
“I gotcha, Mira,” he grins. “Go get some rest.”
“Oh, okay!” She looks at him gratefully. “Thank you, Isabeau!” The housemaiden turns to everyone else and gives a wave. “Goodnight, everyone!”
Again Siffrin waves, Odile and Isabeau joining this time. Only when they stop do you realize you probably should have waved too.
Oh well.
Isabeau rises and brings both plates with him as he walks to Odile’s side, where he then collects hers as well. By the time he reaches you and Siffrin, your stardust has finished your share for you. They wordlessly hand both dishes over before standing themself.
“You going to bed too, Stardust?” you ask him with a grin. He looks down at you and nods.
“Are you going to sleep with us, Loop?” he asks like he’d just asked about nothing more important than the weather.
You laugh. “Oh, I don’t think so, Stardust.” You stand too, not liking the fact you have to look up at him. “I don’t need to sleep, after all~!” you remind him.
Odille hums, catching your attention.
“Something the matter, M’dame?” you inquire, hands tucked behind you.
“No,” she answers levelly. “Just curious about something, is all.”
“That would be~?” you prompt, tilting your head to the side. You were curious about her curiosity.
“...I’ll let you know when I figure it out,” she answers after a beat.
You do not react.
Siffrin looks at you, worry pulling at his features.
Still, you do not react.
Instead, you look up at the sky.
“It got late quickly, didn’t it?” you muse aloud. Anything to change the subject.
“That it did!” Isabeau nods. “Which means we should probably turn in before it gets early quickly, too!”
“Mm,” Odile nods. She’d had one of her books out this whole time and she finally closes it, rising slowly after. “Rest well, you three,” she waves, retiring to her tent.
The fire has burnt down to mostly embers by now, but Isabeau stamps it out fully anyways. “Comin’, Sif?” he asks the rogue after, once he’s close to the last remaining tent.
“One sec,” they nod. Isabeau nods back and enters, leaving the zipper open.
It’s just you and Siffrin now.
You refuse to look at him.
“Loop,” they say after a moment of silence, clearly wanting you to do just that.
“Hm~?” you hum airily, eyes focused on the sky. It’s starless. “Shouldn’t you be with your fighter right about now, Stardust~?”
You see Siffrin flinch and flush out of the corner of your vision. Cute.
“I-I’m going to bed in a second,” he starts, dodging the question, “But I wanted to make sure you were okay first.”
“Aww, Stardust~!” you coo, finally smiling down at him. “You’re so sweet~!” You let the sentiment hang in the air and do not answer the technically unasked question.
“You didn’t answer me,” they point out after a beat.
“I wasn’t aware of a question,” you say back, toying with him. He’d have to be direct if he wanted something out of you.
“Loop,” they sigh. They have the gall to sound exasperated. After a quick breath in and out, they ask, “Are you okay?” while looking up at you.
Please tell me the truth, you can almost hear him say. I just want to make sure.
You think this is a dumb question. So you don’t treat it with any sort of seriousness.
“Mmmm… Yep!” you grin. “Now go get some rest, Stardust. The Universe knows you’re probably still tired.”
Siffrin opens his mouth, most likely to undercut you and try to force you to answer honestly, but his own body is on your side it seems. He’s quickly overtaken by a powerful yawn.
“...I am,” they admit once they recover. “But that doesn’t mean—”
“Tell you what,” you cut them off. “Unless I say something, assume I’m okay, okay?”
The look Siffrin gives you is all too knowing, but you don’t give him a chance to say anything.
“I know you think I’m just trying to get out of answering you,” you start (and you are, but he doesn’t need to know that) while looking away from them, “But think about it this way: I don’t get anything out of lying to you, do I?”
Siffrin ponders on that for a second, eyebrows furrowed and frown deep on his face. Eventually though, he concedes.
“I… guess not,” he says quietly.
“Exactly,” you smile, pulling your hands forward to shoo him. “Now go on! Off to bed with you! Shoo, shoo!”
Of all the things he could do, he laughs. “Okay, okay!” He makes it all the way to his tent before turning back towards you. “...If you’re not gonna sleep, what are you gonna do until we wake up?” he asks curiously.
You hum. “Stargaze, I guess.”
Siffrin glances up before looking back at you. “There are no stars out tonight…?” He says it like he’s unsure of if he’s saying the right thing or not.
“I’m aware,” you answer simply.
There’s that stupid blinding expression crossing his face again. You tear your gaze away.
“Goodnight, Stardust,” you practically hiss, clearing your throat right after. “Rest well~!”
“...Goodnight, Loop,” they mumble, finally entering the tent. The flaps zip closed shortly after.
You stay still until you can no longer hear movement coming from it. And even then, you wait a bit longer. Until finally, after you’re certain everyone is asleep, you droop.
That was extraordinarily tiresome. You kind of wish crave sleep for yourself now.
You sigh heavily and move to the edge of the clearing to the nearest tree and slide down it, looking up at the empty sky.
Better get started on that stargazing.
end a/n:um um um also thank you all for the wonderful comments!!!! im the shyerrrrrr so i dont often reply but they really do make my whole day!!!
wc: 4, 291
uploaded 6/1/24
a/n: oh loop. we’re really in it now.
i so bad at writing tws. but i try okay? do let me know if i missed anything!!
chapter warnings:
- loop has very violent intrusive thoughts and has a bad panic attack
- explicit description of a past suicide
It takes another day and a half for your party to finally make it to Plusche. The way there was smooth, no straggling Sadnesses to speak of or anything. It was actually quite peaceful.
You had stayed on the edge of the group the whole while. Talking when talked to and throwing in a quick jab or two at Siffrin whenever the opportunity had arised. Just enough not to make yourself seem offputting, but not nearly enough to share any of your feelings on anything.
It was a careful balance to maintain, but you think you did well enough.
Now though, as you close in on the entrance to Plusche, you find yourself hanging back even more. You walk slower and slower until you can’t force yourself to move another step.
There are people in the distance now. Close enough to make out vague features. Features that you are oh so conscious of, considering the fact that you do not have any of them yourself.
You don’t want to be seen. You are more aware of yourself now than you ever have been. You feel sick to your stomach at the mere thought of people looking your way, staring at you, trying to puzzle out what in the Universe you were.
You wish want a hole to come and swallow you up, saving you from being perceived ever again.
“Loop?” Siffrin asks near you, startling you something fierce. When had they gotten so close? You look down at him after forcing a smile on your face.
“Yes, Stardust~?” you beam. Maybe if you pretended like you weren’t three seconds away from absconding and disappearing back into the forest, he wouldn’t have enough time to react when you did.
“Is something wrong?” They look worried. “You stopped walking with us.”
“If you’re tired Loop, we can go straight to the inn before doing anything else!!” Mirabelle offers. She’s a bit ahead of the two of you, along with everyone else. They’re all looking back at you with varying degrees of curiosity.
“Yeah!!” Bonnie nods. “‘Nd while you rest, I can draw you!!”
Their high energy manages to pull a quick, all too anxious sounding laugh out of you, which you immediately cover up with words.
“I’m fine!” you insist, pretending you don’t hear your voice crack slightly. “Just…” You look off to the side and grab one of your arms and squeeze. Somehow, you barely feel it. “Just thinking about how… flourishing the population of this town is.”
Siffrin is able to read between your words faster than you think you’re fond of. “You’re afraid of crowds?” they ask lightly.
It’s not exactly right, but it’s close enough and much less mortifying than actually explaining yourself, so you give a hesitant nod.
“Really?” Isabeau asks, clearly surprised. “You’ve been so outgoing this whole time, though!”
I’m a good actor, you don’t say, because that would be stupid and make everyone suspicious of you and your actions and motives and ideals. Instead you simply shrug.
“Everyone gets stage fright sometimes, starbit,” you say instead, expertly dodging the pitfalls of your first thought. “Mines only happens to come to pass once the audience gets a bit too bloated.”
“I think I get it,” Isabeau nods, thoughtful look on his face. “Is there anything we can do to try and make it better for you? At least until we get to the inn?”
You pretend to give this question some serious thought before sighing dramatically. “Afraid not, starbit. It seems this is the part of the play where the heroes must part ways with the mysterious stranger, forever left wondering if there truly was nothing that could have been done about it.” Your free hand comes up and grabs your other arm, also tightening. Your tone is light and airy, but you feel like you’re trying to disarm somebody with your words alone while being held at knifepoint. “So sad~! So sad, indeed~!”
“Loop…” Siffrin murmurs. You close your eyes with a tight smile so you don’t have to see his stupid face right now. “C’mon, let’s just think about this for a bit.”
“I did, Stardust!” you lie. “And I simply can’t think of anything else that could be done.”
“There has to be something we can do, Loop!” Mirabelle pouts, worrying her thumb with her mouth.
You don’t really want to put her on the spot, but you guess it didn’t really matter much if you were leaving now anyways.
“Like what, starbit~?” you ask, voice saccharine.
Mirabelle falters immediately. “U-um…” she mumbles, unsure. “We… w-we could…” She trails off and doesn’t seem to be able to give you a straight answer.
You’re about to let her off the hook when Isabeau chimes in. “I got it!” he declares. “We can go in first and cause a distraction!”
A… distraction? You don’t know what good that would do you, but you’re amused, so you humor him.
“And just how does this help?” you prod.
“If everyone’s preoccupied with gathering around the Saviors of Vaugarde, there’ll be a clear road to the inn!” the fighter explains, arms crossed. He looks pretty proud of this plan of his.
“Not happening,” Odile shuts down quickly. Isabeau pouts immediately. “I see where you’re coming from, but I refuse to play monkey for the circus.” She levels her gaze with the fighter. “Besides, I highly doubt we could garner enough attention to make a clear path from the entrance all the way to the heart of the town.”
Ah, that’s right. The town’s layout comes back to you. It mostly consisted of artisan shops, though there were a few tourist attractions dotted around. To the back of it was where the inn resided, housed right next to a large Favor tree.
It really would be a trek to reach the safety of the inn. No distraction they caused short of a fireworks show would be nearly big enough.
Isabeau looks put out by the realization, frowning in that cute little way he does when he loses an argument.
…You decide not to comment on it.
“Well then what can we do, Dile?” Bonnie pouts. “We gotta get Loop to the inn so I can draw ‘em!!”
“I’m unsure, Boniface,” she replies, putting a curled finger to her mouth in thought.
You wilt. Looks like this was it, then. You think it was nice while it lasted.
Oh well. Time for the closing lines.
Before you can start your grand farewell speech, Siffrin begins fidgeting around in front of you. You stare at him, intrigued. He seems to fiddle around under his cloak a bit before… shimmying it off?
“Sif?” Isabeau questions before you get the chance, “What’re you doing?”
Once they have the neck fabric pulled above their huge head, it comes off easily. They hold it upright, pushing it towards you.
“Stardust?” you giggle awkwardly, still a little confused. “I recall you saying you weren’t ever giving away your cloak just a bit ago.” You wink at them. “Did you forget?”
“No,” they shake their head, “But I’m not giving this away. I’m letting you borrow it.”
“...Because…?” you press, still not seeing how everything adds up.
“It’ll cover most of you,” he explains. “Should help you blend in more until we can leave.”
Ah, so he was able to place your fear of being seen. You do your best not to let that anger you like it wants to for whatever reason.
“Aww! You’re so sweet, Stardust~!” you beam. “But, as much as I appreciate it, I—”
“Will be wearing the cloak,” Siffrin stresses, cutting you off and pushing it in your face now.
Wow. Rude much?
You rip a hand away from your arm and push his hands down with a single finger.
“Really, Stardust. I do thank you for your thoughtfulness, but look at me. Look at your cloak. You had trouble pulling it over your head, and there’s not even anything to catch on it!” You point at your face. “I meanwhile, am just rife with things for fabric to catch on! I already messed up your hat, do you want your cloak to be the next victim?”
At that, Siffrin waivers, expression crumpling just a bit for a second. But, to his credit, he does not fold.
“Take it, Loop,” he insists. “Just… take care when putting it on maybe…?” He looks slightly pensive, but there’s a small smile on his face.
He really wanted you to put this on, didn’t he?
You sigh. “Fine, Stardust,” you languish, plucking the thing from his grasp. “I’ll do it, I’ll do it. But only to make you happy.”
Siffrin’s smile spreads immediately, quickly overtaking his features. You don’t want to look at him suddenly, so you focus on figuring out how you’re going to manage the herculean task you have at hand.
“Hmm…” you mumble, looking from the cloak in your hands to Siffrin in front of you and then to the rest of the party. You don’t mind wasting his time, but…
The idea of everyone just waiting around while you struggle to put this on both upsets and mortifies you in equal parts. You can’t hold them up. You can’t. You refuse to. You’ll never hold them up again.
And moreover, you…
You don’t want them to see you fumble with this.
“Okay!” you grin, quickly coming to a decision. “You all go on ahead. Me and this one—”
“I don’t even get a Stardust now?” Siffrin muses. You ignore him.
“...Will stick around and try to get this on me,” you finish. “In the meantime, you all can go secure a room at the inn!”
“You sure?” Isabeau asks, seeming unsure. “We don’t mind waiting for you.”
The consideration he’s showing for you makes you want to rip up the whole cloak and stomp its pieces into the dirt and run away and never look back.
You don’t do that, though.
Instead, Odile scoffs, saving you from having to do anything at all.
“Maybe you all don’t mind,” she says, beginning to slowly walk off, “But I think if I go another minute without laying down in a real bed, I’ll go crazy.” She places a hand on Bonnie’s back and pushes them forward with her. “Come on, Boniface. We should get you set up too so we can go purchase more supplies and ingredients for you.”
“Oh!” Bonnie claps, hopping a bit. “Crab yeah! We need more veggies!!”
You can’t see her face, but you hear the wry smile in her voice. “Will you two be tagging along?” she asks without looking back.
“Oh! Um!” Mirabelle looks quickly between you and Siffrin and Odile and Bonnie. “Um!!” She’s clearly torn for whatever reason. Maybe she just doesn’t want to leave her friend all alone with the weird star headed freak she barely knows.
Siffrin helps her though, as he always does.
“Go on, you two,” he smiles. “We won’t be long. We’re pretty fast.”
“You sure, Sif?” Isabeau pouts cutely. “If nothing else, I don’t mind sticking around!”
You think you might die if that happens actually. You think just him staying would be worse than just going straight through the town as you are now. You think—
“Yeah, it’s okay!” Siffrin nods easily. That seems to be all the fighter needs.
“Alright, then!” He grabs one of Mirabelle’s hands, and she squeaks a bit in surprise. “C’mon, Mira! We might as well go and put our bags down.”
Mirabelle lets out a bubbly laugh. “Oh, okay!” She waves at the two of you as they head off. The pair of them quickly catch up with the slow going pace of Bonnie and Odile and fall in line with them.
You watch them go for a moment, some emotion pawing at you incessantly, eventually letting your gaze drop to Siffrin. He’s looking at you, but in a way that suggests he’s also lost in thought right now.
…You think you owe him a thanks.
With a laborious sigh, you tug your hat off of your head. Either you or the bell that jingles as you move it pulls Siffrin back into the present and he blinks, focusing on you.
“Welcome back, Stardust,” you smile lightly, hovering the hat in front of him. He takes it without a word. “Thanks for that.”
“For… holding your hat?” he asks.
You let out a small laugh.
He does not.
You look at him quizzically for a second, bemused. Did he seriously think that’s what you were thanking him for?
…Oh stars. He did, didn’t he?
You do a much worse job of stifling the bark of a laugh that leaves you than you’d like to admit. Siffrin, bless his heart, blinks a few times in confusion.
“You’re rich, Stardust~!” you giggle.
“Huh??” they laugh nervously, showing off their own bemused expression. “Was I?? Wrong??”
“Of course not, Stardust,” you manage through your mirth. “Thank you ever so much for graciously holding onto my hat whilst I try to figure out how to put this thing on without tearing it to shreds.”
“No… problem…?” Siffrin says hesitantly, properly perplexed now. He doesn’t seem to understand what you’re getting at, just that you’re getting at something.
Good. Let him be confused. Makes you feel tall.
“So,” you breathe, holding the cloak out at length, “Be honest.” Siffrin nods, expression neutralizing. You look at the large piece of cloth you hold up and down.
…There was definitely no way in the Universe you were getting this over your head without ripping it, was there?
You let out a quiet sigh. “I was thinking I’d just… step into it?” you say finally. “That’d be easier, don’t you think? Just pulling it up over my shoulders?”
Siffrin nods immediately. Anything to prevent it from tearing, you can practically hear him say.
“Hmm… Alright, then.” You nod yourself now, placing the cloak on the ground with its opening spread wide. “Let’s give this a whirl.”
It takes a little bit of fidgeting around after the fact to get comfortable, but you get the thing on without any real trouble whatsoever. As you bend over to straighten it out a bit, Siffrin gently places your hat back. Your head spikes perfectly slip back through their previously established holes.
“Oh! Thank you, Stardust!” you smile honestly. They grin right back.
You can’t see yourself, not entirely, but just by looking down at the darkless cloak covering you and feeling the light but comforting weight of your hat atop your head, you…
You feel a tug.
Not at your stomach, but at your chest.
You quickly decide the feeling of the latter is worse than the former.
Swallowing hard, you plaster a thin smile on your face. Not that anyone but you would know it’s thin, of course, because you lack a mouth. Because you’re not a human. Because you’re some sort of weird, awful culmination of all your wildest nightmares and deepest wishes.
You.. You can’t…
You can’t think about this right now. You can’t. You—
“Loop?” Siffrin’s voice breaks through your thoughts. “Are you okay?”
You snap your head up and take in the uncloaked form in front of you.
Siffrin is almost dangerously thin. You’re pretty sure he’s not supposed to look this bony, but in order to confirm that, you’d have to think about when you were still a Siffrin, and you think you’d rather kill yourself than do that right now. His gloved hands pull at each other and he’s worrying his lip. There’s deep, deep bags under his eye. His flyaway hairs are somehow worse than they normally are.
This… is Siffrin. As you remember him he is.
You (pretend to) breathe in… and out.
“I’m fine,” you say carefully. “Thank you. Really.”
The rogue’s face lights up. “Of course!” He looks so happy. You can’t understand why. “Are you good to try and get to the inn now, then?”
You move a hand to your arm and squeeze it tightly, glancing away from him. “I… guess so.”
You’re not ready when he reaches out and grabs your free hand. You blink down at your entwined hands, struggling to think clearly.
“Then let’s go!” he smiles wide. They pull you forward and you follow easily, but you’re still apprehensive.
Even with the majority of you covered, you still don’t want to be seen. Somehow, being viewed like this, like you’re borrowing the main actor’s fitted outfit as a last second understudy, is worse. You don’t know how, but you know it is.
The closer you get, the more anxious you become. The walk so far has been quiet, but you’re too nervous to tell if it’s been a comfortable silence or not. Your head is swimming. You don’t want to be seen.
Before you know it, you’re standing right in front of the entrance to the town. People filter in and out around you, and you feel so stiff you’re sure you could be successfully used to surf on.
“Loop, what’s wrong?” you can just barely hear Siffrin ask over the chatter. Over your own heartbeat.
(You distantly wonder if you even have a heart anymore, but the thought is chased away by fear so fast you forget it immediately.)
“Loop?” you hear him try again. And you want to reply to him, you really do, but you feel like you’re choking on the air you don’t need every time you try to say anything.
You squeeze both of your hands tightly. The one wrapped around your arm digs into whatever form of flesh you possess now. The other…
“Loop?” Siffrin asks. You hear deep distress in his voice now. You wonder why.
…Oh, that’s right. Your other hand was in his.
You have no idea how hard you’ve been squeezing. You still can’t really tell.
The thought of your hand wrapped around Siffrin’s so tightly it draws blood floods your mind. You wonder if you could do more. If you could squeeze it so hard you’d reach bone. If you could then shatter those, too. Leave them one hand poorer. Would they scream? Would they try and tear their hand away before you could get that far, cursing you and themself for trusting you? Would they tell on you, getting everyone to come back and kill you out of rage? Or would they simply use their good hand and swiftly take you out with one swipe of their dagger instead?
…That’s right. Their dagger.
Your eyes quickly lock on to where it sits on their hip. You didn’t have one anymore, but you remember how to use it. If you were able to grab it first, would you have the upper hand? Or would your rust show immediately?
(You think of a sharp, burrowing pain in your stomach.)
(You remember seeing blood, blood, blood. It covered Mira’s hands as she tried in a futile attempt to heal you.)
(It takes forever.)
(When you woke up, you remember feeling so sick you couldn’t move. When Mira came to greet you, you couldn’t talk. When she freaked out, you looped back to before she came.)
(You remember her coming several more times before you were able to spit out your lines again.)
(When you had entered the House again after that, you couldn’t so much as look at your dagger for more loops than you cared to count. You had become ragged with how much Craft you had ended up using.)
(The next time you used your dagger, it was because you were too tired to Craft anything else. You attacked wildly, desperately, ending the fight. Everyone had cheered, someone had picked up the Star Crest, and you had dropped your dagger in disgust.)
(They were concerned. Suspicious. They had crowded around you. Asked you what was wrong. Asked if you were okay.)
(Mira had gently placed a hand on your shoulder. You stared at it and could only see it drowning in a pool of your own blood.)
(You ended up looping back without meaning to, your dagger still in your hand. Someone had picked up the Star Crest again. You gripped your dagger so hard you felt the ridges that lined it leave grooves in your fingers through your gloves.)
You snatch your hand away from Siffrin and rush through the crowd blindly. You hear them shout your name, but you don’t stop. You can’t. You have to get out of here. You have to get to the inn. You have to, you have to, you have to.
You want to say you’re surprised when you hear Siffrin right behind you, but you’re not. You know he probably did something stupid and used his Crafts again to get to you faster. But you don’t care. If he wanted to hurt himself for no reason, that was on him.
They barely manage to catch you by your cloak once. You feel as the fabric catches and then slips out of their hands. You can’t have that. You can’t.
So you cheat.
Instead of using your own Craft, you simply begin to will yourself forward every so often. Blink from spot to spot whenever there was a clearing big enough to do so. You distantly think this might just be drawing more attention to yourself, but it’s not a loud enough thought to deter you from continuing to do it.
What with you darting back and forth, Siffrin isn’t able to catch up to you before you finally reach the inn. With the grace of a newborn doe, you miscalculate your speed and crash through the door.
The few people in the lobby all startle as you manage to catch yourself on a nearby wall. You’re wheezing with exhaustion, unable to catch your breath as you lean heavily on it, bent over.
“Gems alive!” you hear someone who can only be Odile cry out. “Loop, is that you?”
You don’t look up from the ground, instead choosing to simply stick out a thumbs up. You still can’t breathe.
“What—” she starts, only for the door to burst open again and cut her off.
“Loop!” It’s Siffrin. He’s caught up to you. He rushes over to you and pulls your drooping hand into his own. He’s shaking, you think, but it could honestly be you right now. “Loop, it’s okay! It’s okay, okay?”
You struggle to reply. Noises are definitely leaving your mouth, but you can’t tell if any of them managed to be words.
“Breathe with me?” Siffrin offers, hopeful smile on their face.
You don’t need to breathe. You don’t require air at all, in fact. But, you decide to humor him. You did just make him play Chase Chicken through an entire town. You owe him this much at least, you think.
You nod as best as you can. They pull their hands close to their chest, taking yours with it. You both hear and feel as they begin taking a deep breath in.
“In…” he murmurs quietly. You do your best to keep a breath in long enough, but fail twice. By the time he’s letting it go, you’re on your third inhale. “And out.”
You roughly push out what you just pulled in and quickly replace it. You were on your fourth failure now. Doin’ great, Loop.
Siffrin starts to inhale again and this time you refuse to mess up. You start after him, but manage to hold it in until he exhales, following suit.
He continues three more times, saying what he’s doing as he does so. It helps. It really helps.
He does it once more, this time without announcement. Then he lets his hands (which are still holding one of yours) fall a bit and opens his eye, looking at you softly.
“Better?” they ask gently.
You close your eyes and take one final breath too, before looking back at him with what you hope reads as appreciation.
“...Yes. Thank you, stardust.”
…You faintly process that you said that weirdly. You resolve to think about that more later.
“Anytime,” Siffrin smiles. There’s some deep seated emotions buried within it. You can see it. Like a treasure map, on his lips is an x that marks the spot.
But you find that even though you know where your prize is located, you have no shovel. No means with which to dig it up and unearth it.
So you stare. You stare at the x and wish you had that shovel. Wish you had that means. Wish you…
You…
You’re… not supposed to wish anymore.
You feel dizzy.
“Are you guys okay now?” cuts through the haze in your mind, pulling you out of whatever that was. You turn to the side to see Bonnie standing in front of the two of you, a deep and worried frown on their face.
Ah!! You can’t make Bonnie upset!!
“We’re good!!” both you and Siffrin blurt out at the same time. It makes the both of you blink and turn back to each other, surprised.
This proves humorous to the kid however, and they burst out into a laugh.
“You both said the same thing!!” they giggle, pointing at you. “You both owe me a soda!!”
“What?” you ask with a confused laugh.
“I don’t think that’s how that works?” Siffrin says with an equally confused laugh of his own.
“It is!!” they insist, turning behind themself. “Za!!” they yell, “Tell ‘em that’s how it works!!”
“No shouting, Boniface,” Odile scolds lightly, but it doesn’t put a damper on any of their energy.
“Za,” they repeat at a much more building appropriate volume, “Tell ‘em that’s how it works.”
Isabeau laughs, surprisingly also at a building appropriate volume. “I guess that’s how it works, guys.” His smile is dazzling.
You decide to look anywhere else but at his face.
“You all can have this debate in our room, can you not?” Odile huffs, but you can tell she’s amused. “Or must it happen out here, in the lobby?”
You and Siffrin look at each other and nod seriously.
“We can move,” you both say at the same time again. This time though, you know it’s purposeful. Siffrin’s eye is sparkling with something you can’t quite put a name to, but you know yours are a mirror image.
Bonnie laughs at you again. “Two sodas now!” they declare.
Siffrin laughs with them and finally lets go of your hand to push Bonnie forwards and towards the stairs, where everyone else was already beginning to head.
You follow behind, giggling a little yourself. You knew how this would end. Bonnie would get their sodas one way or another.
You were excited to get to the room and try to find a way to get Siffrin to pay your debt for you, too.
end a/n: oh boy! i cant wait till i get to write the next chapter after this one!! ill make this one short so i can get there faster~!
*white noise*
wh… what happwen d….
(i look up and 4k worth of text is hovering over me with boxing gloves on, wiping its face of sweat)
wh
wc: 3,167
uploaded 6/1/24
a/n: we're just going to pretend "inn" means "motel but like medieval or whatever the fuck" okay? okay ^^
The room you had all gotten was different from the one you remember staying in on your way to Dormont. It was much bigger for starters, had its own little kitchenette and living room and everything. There were four bedrooms, two on each side of the main room, and each of them housed one bed and had their own en suite.
It was way better than the one you had gotten on your way up. That one was cramped and only had two medium sized beds in one single room. You remember it being an awkward fit for the girls and Bonnie, having to all share a bed, but they had dealt with it. You were only staying for the night, after all.
You’re glad to see they decided to splurge for the return trip. With this set up, you’d even get your own bed~!
Not that you’d need it, of course. Not really. But it would be a nice place to relax, at the very least. You can’t remember the last time you actually laid your head down on a pillow.
You, Bonnie and Siffrin had just finished up your little debate, all making your case to the reigning judges, Mirabelle and Isabeau.
As you knew would come to pass, Bonnie is declared the victor. You both owe them two sodas each, giving them a grand total of four fizzy drinks. But, as they are such a kind soul, they decided they’d only take half of their due, leaving the remaining ones for you both to share.
You don’t comment on the fact you aren’t able to drink, either. Wouldn’t want to sour the mood.
With that out of the way, Bonnie is quick to grab their bag and knock on the room Odile had claimed for herself.
“Dile!!” they shout, “I won the fight!!”
“Mmm… Less of a fight, more of a spat,” you muse. Bonnie looks at you seriously and nods before turning back to the door.
“I won the spat!!” they repeat, using your word now. Aww. Weren’t they just the cutest? “Can we go get more veggies now?”
Odile opens the door after a few seconds pass, a large tomb tucked under her arm. Knowing her, even though it was obscenely big, it probably only housed note scraps. The majority of which were most likely about stock.
“Yes we may, Boniface,” the researcher smiles warmly down at the child. “I just went through our stocks,” she starts while looking out at the rest of the room, and you have to bite back a giggle. You knew it. “We’re short on pretty much everything. Me and Boniface here will focus on edible things,” she says, placing a hand atop their head, “Which leaves medicinals and equipment to you three.” She gives her signature point, palm upturned, with a wry grin. “Get a little bit of everything, but do spend wisely, yes?”
Mirabelle, Isabeau and Siffrin all salute, the first two in sync and the rogue a heartbeat after.
“Yes, M’dame!!” Isabeau grins cheekily.
“We’re on it!!” Mirabelle giggles, bouncing a bit in place.
Siffrin doesn’t say anything, just rocks on his heels excitedly, nodding.
You’re so caught up that it takes you until everyone starts shuffling out to realize, hey, wait a minute.
You… weren’t given anything to do??
“Um,” you squeak, voice tight, “Am I to be doing anything~?” You have your head tilted, a finger pressing into your cheek.
Bonnie and Odile are already out the door, but you catch the other three.
“Um?” Isabeau laughs, sounding a little incredulous, “Getting some rest??”
What.
“What,” you deadpan, actually completely caught off guard.
“You?? Just had a panic attack??” Mirabelle says, a worried smile on her face. “And!! Before we split up earlier, you didn’t really seem like you really wanted to be out and about? So, I think with that in mind, Odile didn’t ask you to do anything so you could stay here and calm down!!”
…Oh. Yeah, that. That made sense.
You feel stupid now.
“Do you want one of us to stay here with you?” Siffrin asks, expression open and arms bent in front of his chest. You know he’s asking honestly, but something under your skin buzzes.
“Oh, no thank you~!” you’re quick to grin. I don’t need a blinding babysitter, you hold back. “I’ll stick around and go and rest up like you wanted me to!” You shoo them with your hands. “Go, go! You all go and have some fun~!”
Not a single one of them look convinced, so you simply wave and turn. If you just walked away now, they’d probably leave you alone. You go to the door opposite Odile’s and enter without looking back.
The second the door closes you press your back up against it. Your Siffrin’s cloak pulls weirdly as you push your arms up against the wood, and you are suddenly aware you forgot to give it back to him. You feel bad, but there’s no way you’re leaving this room again before they all leave.
You listen closely, waiting for the sound of the front door’s lock latching closed.
The three of them exchange some words, but they’re a bit muffled, and you aren’t paying close enough attention to really discern any of them. Then, after a few more moments, they shuffle out the room and you hear that blessed click.
Thank the stars.
You let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding and slump down the length of the door.
Ugh. Great. Now you were stuck here in an inn, too scared to go anywhere because of your stupid blinding fear of being seen like this by strangers.
You drag a hand down your face and bang the back of your head against the door.
Great. Wonderful.
You don’t really want to exist anymore, you think. Not right now, at least. But you have to, because you know if you go missing from this place those idiots will send out search parties for you. Because that’s the type of people they were. They were nice and kind and stupid.
You briefly think about taking the thought about disappearing forever to its natural endpoint.
You decide to scramble your way to the bathroom instead.
No, no, no. No thinking about dying right now.
You go to splash water in your face. Though you can cup the water with your hands easily, when you push your face into your hands, the sound of sizzling and the faint feeling of steam greets you.
Ah, right. Star-for-a-head and all.
You pinch your face tightly as you stare down at the running water. It mocks you, somehow.
You want to rip the whole blinding faucet off the wall.
You don’t do that, though. Instead you shut the water off roughly and stare at the mirror that you knew was there but were kind of avoiding since you stepped foot in this room.
Staring back at you is what you can only describe as a devil.
It’s… you, you suppose.
You don’t like what you see.
You wish you looked less like a mistake. You wish you looked more like how you felt. You wish you looked normal.
…Ah, but you weren’t supposed to be wishing anymore, were you?
Your last one had worked out so well for you, after all.
But… you think about that wish. You wanted help. You wanted someone, anyone to help you. And, in a way, you got that wish. You ended up helping yourself somehow, in a new timeline’s Siffrin. And then, in turn, you can tell Siffrin is trying to do his best to help you, too.
Which is still helping yourself, you guess.
So maybe wishing wasn’t so bad, after all. Wishing got you here, didn’t it? Like, sure, you were kind of trapped in an inn right now, but not actually. It was completely self imposed. You’re actually the most free you’ve been in eons! New things are happening every second! You’re finally hearing words you’ve never heard from your friends before! You’ve done it! You’ve escaped the loops!!
A thought blossoms in your head.
Maybe…
Maybe you could keep wishing.
There was a Favor tree right next to the inn, wasn’t there?
You nod with determination and make your decision right then and there and do not falter.
As you exit the bathroom and re-enter the living room, you nab your set of keys and hold them flush to your chest. The star seared into your very being flashes under your cloak, and you know they’ve safely been deposited in whatever weird pocket dimension thing you had going on.
(You remember when you first found out you could do that. It was early on in Siffrin’s loops. You had caught him fiddling with his coin and had held your hands to your chest, wishing for your own back sometime after he had left to tackle the House again.
Your chest had flashed then, and suddenly you were holding your coin.
You got a kick out of figuring out how it had happened. And when you finally did, you had a kick putting it back and taking it out again, too.)
Now that you’re certain you’ll be able to bail and come back whenever, you quickly and quietly make your way out of the room, down the stairs, and out of the inn. As you travel the short distance, you’re suddenly extremely happy you forgot to give Siffrin their cloak back. You’re sure if all you had to your name was still just your hat, you would have never stepped foot out of that inn again until it was time to leave.
It’s just barely starting to become evening as you encroach slowly on the Favor tree. The one here in Plusche was a bit bigger than the one in Dormont, which meant it still towered over you. The sun’s rays make the leaves shadows cascade over you almost menacingly. There are Crafted lanterns dotted around and a few of them spring to life every couple of seconds, most likely reacting to the waning sun.
The little grove here is completely void of living souls, save for you and some small birds.
Perfect time to make some wishes, you’d say.
You shyly reach up and gently nab a leaf off of one of the lower hanging branches, pulling it close to examine it. It’s a little sunburnt near the bottom and has some holes poking through it, as well as being a little uneven and spiky.
This was it. This would be your leaf.
You hold the leaf close to where your mouth should would be and recite the thoughts you had earlier into it.
You wish you looked less like a mistake.
You wish you looked more like how you felt.
You wish.
You looked.
Normal.
It’s. What. You. Want.
You repeat it twice more, saying it three times in total. Once for each wish. And then, you slowly pull the leaf away, fold it, and let it go. The wind picks it up not even a second later, and you watch it blow away into the distance.
…
You… feel the same.
You look down at your hands.
They’re still lightless, save for the stars that shine through in little pinpricks.
You look the same, too.
…Stupid.
Your eyes squint without your say so, and you point your head down and rush all the way back to the inn without looking. At some point along the way, you pulled the keys back out. You’re only aware of that because they jingle louder than your starbell does as you walk, even though it’s just the two of them.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, you steam as you struggle to fit the key through the lock. You really thought you were onto something, didn’t you, Loop? As if the Universe would listen to you after all your selfish, greedy wants and wishes. As if you deserve the Universe’s help after all you’ve done!
You don’t mean to slam the front door shut when you finally make it back in, but you do. Luckily, no one has returned yet, so you don’t cause a scene.
You’re so mad, though. You’re so mad.
You’re mad and you’re sad and you want to cry but you can’t and you want to die but you can’t and you—
You’re in your room. You think the door is locked. You can’t remember. You’re staring down at the lone bed.
They had left you to rest, didn’t they?
You have not been resting.
You have been stressing and begging and hoping and wishing, but you have not been resting.
Maybe you should.
You take a deep breath in… and out.
The bed calls to you. You answer.
One moment you’re on your feet. The next, your cheek is pressed up against the pillow.
You don’t take off your hat. You don’t take off Siffrin’s cloak. You find yourself much too tired to do so suddenly.
The fact they’re bringing you a distinct comfort at the moment is just a plus.
You sigh heavily and let your eyes slip closed. You don’t need to sleep, but…
Maybe just nodding off for right now would be fine.
The overwhelming smell of food upon a flame greets you as you stir back into consciousness.
Ugh. You must have zoned out for a while there. Everything on you aches.
You blink and rub the sleep out of your eyes, yawning. Everyone else must be back. You can hear them through the door, chatting about something or other. Your head’s still a little fuzzy though, so you don’t really try to process anything they’re saying.
Instead, you push up out of the bed and continue to rub at your left eye. For some reason, it’s hard to see out of it. Maybe you could try and wash it out. Maybe if you were real specific with where you pushed the water into your face, it would achieve something.
With blurry, half focused eyes, you stumble into the bathroom, turn on the faucet, and cup some water in your hands. You tilt your head down and try to aim where you think will do you the most good before pushing your hands into your f—
“STARS!”
It hurts! It hurts, it hurts, it hurts!!
Your face is on fire!!
You rip your hands away from you and feel tears well up in your eyes. Why! Why were you in pain right now!?
You hear a deafening pound on your door. “Loop?” someone calls. You can’t tell who it is, but stars, were they loud.
You throw your hands over your ears and whine. You think of the fact it might hurt you again a little too late, but you’re relieved to find that all that happens is what you wanted. The noise around you has blessedly been turned down some notches. Best of all, there was no burning sensation to be had.
You sigh heavily, continuing to breathe shallowly after the fact. Stars. What was that? You try and catch your breath as best as you can, staring down at the still running sink. You can feel something thrash near your lower back, but you can’t focus on it long enough to wonder what it is.
After a moment, your pulse stops roaring in your ears and you take one final breath, turning off the faucet.
“Loop?” you hear again, followed by the sound of the bedroom door rattling. You can actually discern the voice now, but you don’t think it’s the same person from before. This time, it’s Mirabelle. “Are you okay in there, Loop?”
You turn to the door to reply, just barely catching your reflection as you do. “I’m f—”
Your eyes widen as your words catch in your throat.
You’re almost scared to look again. Scared that you just saw a ghost. Scared, scared, scared.
But now that you’re here, frozen in fear, things are quickly starting to add up.
You could breathe. Your senses were suddenly all too strong, even though they had been extremely muted since you materialized. Your left eye was weirdly foggy. You could form tears. You could breathe. You had ears. You had a pulse. You know from the way a long side bang covers your view of the mirror that you had hair. And, you could not stress this enough, you could breathe.
You… Y-you….
You can’t live in suspense any longer.
You force yourself to turn and look at the glass.
It’s…
It’s Siffrin, almost.
Staring back at you is a slightly different version of this timeline’s Siffrin. There are a few things wrong with it, though.
For starters, it actually still has a left eyeball, but the iris is darkless. You can see out of it, but just barely.
The hair was also off. A lot more spiky. The side bangs in particular went down much longer than they should have, stopping near your shoulders rather than your chin. There also wasn't any dye to speak of, the whole mop being darkless.
That, of course, left the moderately sized horns that were now sprouting out of the hat you still have on somehow. Now that you’re actually taking the time to process them, you can sort of feel the base of them at the top of your head. They poke out of the same holes your head spikes once had, filling the space almost perfectly. They’re as darkless as your hair, and you can just barely tell as you hover your starry hand near them that they’re faintly glowing.
You stare in disbelief.
What… What happened? What did this? How?
Your mind is reeling. You can’t pull your eyes away from your reflection. Your hand drifts from the top of your head and floats near your cheek hesitantly, like you’re afraid to try and touch it. Like if you so much as tap it, it will all poof away and you’ll be back to looking the way you did just a bit ago.
This… This can’t be real, can it?
You reach out tenderly to the mirror and place your hand on it. You feel its smooth surface under you, so you’re still real at least, but…
But…
“Loop!!”
You startle almost impressively hard and squeak out a less than dignified noise, jumping in surprise to boot. You stumble backwards into the wall and press your back against it, breathing heavily.
You force something, anything out of your mouth.
You forget what you say the second you’re done saying it, but you hope it’s good enough to keep everyone outside at bay for just a little bit longer so you could have your meltdown about this development in peace.
You slide down the wall and onto the floor and—
Ow!
You spring back and peel off the wall to look behind you. Did you pull your back out or something? You felt a weird tug on your… spine…
…Oh.
Peeking out from under the cloak is what you can only describe as a thin tail. There's a tuft of lightless, jagged hair at its tip.
This has got to be some sort of joke now.
There is no stargiven way that—
You feel the tail react to your quick flair of anger, flicking from side to side before stilling.
…Okay!
Okay, that was enough for you right now!!
You’re laughing. Why are you laughing? You can’t stop.
You laugh and laugh and laugh as you exit the bathroom. As you unlock your door. As your family friends party comes into your view. And even as you see all their faces give way from apprehension to clear cut shock, you don’t stop laughing.
You don’t know why you’re laughing.
You do know why you’re crying.
end a/n: oh did i not mention this is a “loop ends up looking like siffrin but something fucked up happens in the process” fic? oooooooooopppzzzz ^^~*
wc: 2, 808
uploaded 6/2/24
a/n:
chapter warnings:
- panic attack 2 electric boogaloo ft intrusive thoughts. not as violent as last time, but still pretty bad
They want answers. You can see it clear as day on their faces even before Siffrin leaps into action and brings you in close to them. And when they hold you tightly and shush you while you let your body be wracked with sobs, you can feel their scathing stares on the pair of you.
What’s happening? floats through the air silently, no one seemingly ready to actually voice it yet. Why do you suddenly look like Siffrin? Why did you open the door in a laughing fit only to immediately start having a breakdown a second later? Why are you crying? Why can’t you stop crying? Why, why, why?
You do not answer.
Instead, you cry.
You cry and you wail and you don’t stop. You are both barely and hyper aware of when Siffrin starts petting the back of your head. You know he’s murmuring something to you, you can’t feel his chest rumble with it, but you can’t hear it over your disgusting, blubbery tears.
You think if anyone here had any less tact, they wouldn’t hesitate to grill you immediately. They’d go straight into the hard questions, either unaware of it being such or simply not caring. But, you know these three, and you know Siffrin’s not about to go asking you any questions right now, so as you slowly calm down, you think you might be safe to try and recover first, at least.
“Hey!!”
Ah. Right.
There was a preteen present.
You don’t remove yourself from Siffrin’s chest, you’re much, much too afraid, but you can feel them turn back towards where Bonnie must be standing now.
“What’s goin’ on!!” you hear them demand. “I had to make sure nothin’ burned so I couldn’t move ‘till just now, but all I’ve been hearing is cryin’!!” You can practically see them go from having their hands thrown up, angry that they’re being left out, to them shrinking in on themself. When they talk again, their tone’s a lot quieter, filled to bursting with worry. “What happened? Is… Is Loop okay?”
They sound so small. It makes you want to start sobbing again.
You settle for starting to hyperventilate instead.
Siffrin’s own breathing starts to pick up too, and you are quickly starting to fear you’re the first domino to fall. You tipped yourself over, knocking over Bonnie, who’s now knocking over Siffrin. Who’s next? Mirabelle? You’d bet out of the remaining three, Mirabelle’s higher levels of laden anxiety would make her the next one. Then Isabeau, you’d wager. And then Odile, but wouldn’t fall. She’d try her best to shoulder the weight, you’re certain. But how long could she do that, realistically? When would she finally collapse? When would your actions finally lead to the last soldier dropping in defeat, leaving the kingdom really and truly defenseless?
…You think you got too lost in your own metaphor. Your breathing has not recovered in any way shape or form after all of that. In fact, it might’ve even gotten worse somehow.
You try to calm yourself back down, seeing if focusing on what’s happening right now in front of you would help. Siffrin has you completely wrapped up in a cocoon made up of their arms, yours thrown around his lower half in return. You don’t know if they’re doing it to bring you comfort or hide your face, and if it’s the latter, you don’t know who he’s doing it for. You find you don’t really want to know right now, though.
“Loop is…” the rogue starts a bit breathily, trailing off and clearly trying to think of a good answer. Your mind easily provides you with plenty.
Crazy, it says mockingly. Insane. Out of their blinding mind.
You squeeze your eyes impossibly tighter.
Pathetic. Stupid. Idiotic.
You’d like to believe the shaking you feel is from Siffrin, but you’re not that dense.
Loop is an awfully funny mistake, it chuckles, who actually thought they could get an easy out with a wish. Again.
You’re going to scream.
“...I don’t know,” Siffrin finally settles on. “I don’t know if they’re okay right now, but I’m sure they will be soon, okay?” There’s actually some hope in his voice, but you can’t tell if it’s because he actually believes that, or if he’s just trying to make sure Bonnie doesn’t freak out. He rubs his hand up and down your back and you sigh, breath trembling.
Up until just now, Siffrin had barely touched you. Nobody had, really. You hadn’t allowed anyone to get close enough. Even when your other half would walk near you, you made sure not to let them stray too close.
There were a plethora of reasons why you had kept your distance. Way too many to properly count right now, really. But they all amounted to the same thing ultimately.
You were scared.
You were so, so scared.
Scared that you’d get too used to the touch of another just to lose it once they had all decided to ditch you somewhere in between towns. Scared that the touch might end up hurting the other person instead somehow. Scared that it would be uncomfortable for them. Scared that you would try and get more, because you’ve always been so all or nothing, so greedy, and whoever you’d tried to get it from would pull back in revulsion. Scared that once they did, you’d go off the deep end and do something dangerous. Something drastic. Something bad.
You were petrified at the mere thought of it. Everyone already looked at you like you were a stranger. You knew you wouldn’t be able to stomach it if they’d started seeing you as a monster.
But here you are now, holding and being held, and nothing bad is happening. Nothing’s exploding. Nobody’s dying.
In this moment, you may feel just a bit silly for being so worried.
“...Okay,” Bonnie mumbles, pulling you back into the present. They’re quiet for just a few seconds, most likely looking everyone over first, before they blurt out, “Are you guys gonna hafta have an Adult Talk first? Before they’re okay?”
Oof.
Probably, Bonbon, you don’t answer, because it’d be weird for more than a couple reasons. Instead, you choose to keep quiet as Siffrin answers for you.
“Um…” he struggles, most likely realizing the inevitability of it. After a second or two of floundering on something to say, he sighs. “Probably, Bonbon.”
You could laugh. Of course he’d say that. Stars, you both probably realized it at the same time mere moments ago. Of course, haha. Of course.
You don’t laugh, though. Instead, you fight back what would no doubt be a deeply embarrassing whimper and hold Siffrin in your grasp ever tighter.
“Okay,” Bonnie sighs. “Well, until then, do you wanna stay with ‘em in here, Frin? While everyone eats?” They let out a small gasp before he has the chance to answer, rushing out, “I-I’ll bring you some too, of course!! Nobody goes hungry when I’m around, no matter what!!”
To his credit, Siffrin chuckles. You find the feeling of it echoing in his chest comforting. “That’s a great idea,” he nods.You don’t know how he doesn’t choke over the fondness in his own voice. “You can go ahead and dish out something for everyone, then.” Bonnie boos, and you notice the distinct lack of an Isabeau laugh, but Siffrin presses on anyways. “Knock on the door when you have mine and I’ll come nab it, okay?”
“Okay!!” Energy has returned to the kid’s voice, clearly happy to have a gameplan. “Belle! Za! Dile!”
You hear Mirabelle squeak. She must’ve been lost in thought or something. The other two barely react in comparison.
“Y-yeah, Bonbon?” Isabeau asks, tripping over his words a bit. He clears his throat. “What’s up?”
“No more crowding around Loop!!” they declare. “Nille once told me crowding around someone who didn’t feel so good just makes ‘em feel worse!”
“That… can be true, yes,” you hear Odile say. Her voice has that weird damage control tilt to it.
“I know!! I just said that!!” Bonnie huffs.
“But…” Mirabelle mumbles so quietly you almost miss it.
“No buts!!!” Bonnie shouts. Mirabelle lets out a quick little gasp of Oh! and you hear movement right after. “C’mon!! It’s dinnertime!!” The unmistakable sound of the chef’s little boots stomping away fills the air, and though they easily overshadow Mirabelle’s more quiet ones, you can still hear them too. The poor housemaiden must’ve been dragged off.
The clattering of plates and cutlery fill the air not even a few seconds later.
Odile takes this as her cue to strike.
“We will be discussing this after Boniface has retired to bed,” she makes clear, and you can feel Siffrin wince.
“...Yes, Odile,” they mumble in response. It’s not very convincing, but does sound very defeated, so it must do the trick anyways. Odile hums curtly before you hear her walk off as well.
That means all that was left was you, Siffrin, and…
“Sif…” Isabeau practically whispers. He must have some form of nonverbal conversation with the rogue, because he’s completely silent for a moment. Then… “Y-yeah. Okay.” His normally powerful steps are subdued as he makes his retreat. “I’ll just, um… I’ll close the door…?” You feel Siffrin nod above you. “I’ll just close the door,” the fighter repeats, sounding more sure of himself.
You’re so busy preparing yourself to finally be able to fully relax you almost miss the last thing he says.
“I… really hope you feel better soon, Loop.” And with that, the door closes, and you drop.
You lean so hard into Siffrin he almost topples with the force of it.
“Woah, woah, okay, okay,” he breathes, finally moving his arms so that they’re wrapped around your shoulders. Gently he guides you over to the bed. “Come on, Loop. Let’s get you sideways.”
The idea of laying down again calls to you like nothing ever has before. You make a noise of acknowledgement and let him lead you to the bed, peel the covers back, and tenderly guide you down.
Once you’re settled, you expect him to maybe throw the sheets over you and take a seat as he waits for his food, but he doesn’t do that.
Instead, he climbs in after you.
Your surprise must show on your face (and wow will that take some getting used to again) because his own cloudy expression clears before you, a smile gracing his lips.
“Hope there’s room for one more,” they say at a blessedly low volume.
You…
You stare at them. In disbelief, mostly, but there’s plenty of other words you could use to describe your feelings right now as well. You find yourself a little too distracted to do so though. You can’t wrap your head around this.
Siffrin’s smile slowly begins to slip. You don’t catch it until it’s already a frown. They look away from you and begin to shuffle away.
“S-sorry,” they breathe. “Sorry. I know that must’ve been a lot on you just now. It was a lot on me, so I know it was a lot on you.” They’re getting further away. “I don’t have to lay down with you, i-if you don’t want. I…” They swallow hard. “I don’t want to leave, but—”
You cut them off mid sentence, almost without your explicit say so.
“Then don’t,” you croak, reaching out for them. “Please.”
You watch him go on a slow face journey as he eyes you and you feel disgusted with yourself.
You were right after all. Nobody actually wanted to touch you. That back there was just to prevent everyone from looking at you any longer than strictly necessary. Who would actually for real want to be anywhere near a devil like you?
And yet here you are, cards on the table, basically begging for him to come touch you again. Greedy, greedy Loop. Nothing was ever enough for you, was it?
You feel something inside of you click, and just like that, you’re not really here anymore.
(Poke.
Poke, poke, poke.
…None of them were responding.
Why weren’t they responding?)
(You give him a kiss.
…He pushes you away.)
(Mira’s shoulder brushes against yours as she looks through her papers. You lean into it. She pulls away.
You do this every single time you help her. You know it’s going to happen before it ever does.
You do it anyways. You hope maybe it won’t come to pass one of these times. Maybe if you could do it enough, the Universe would throw you a bone.
And yet.
Everytime, like clockwork, she pulls away.
You stop being surprised by the third time. You stop being hurt by the eighth.
You still do it anyways.)
Your thoughts form a raging storm in your mind, eyes unfocused and ears unlistening. Some part of you intelligently knows Siffrin is talking right now. You can see his mouth moving and hear sounds spill out of it after all. But it’s all white noise. At some point, he stops and looks at you.
…Oh. It was probably your turn to say something, wasn’t it?
You open your mouth and… leave it open. You can’t think straight no matter how hard you try. It’s not like you actually had any idea of what he wanted from you either, so you didn’t even have anything to latch onto.
You feel like a failure.
“Loop?” he asks. You’re kind of surprised you’re able to understand it, but if you were gonna understand anything right now, it would be that blinding word. “Did you… hear anything I just said?”
Ah. Busted.
You look away and begin to pull into yourself. Your hands naturally find their way to your arms and clench so hard you’d be afraid of marks if it were possible to see them on your skin.
You try as hard as you can to reply to him. You even mean to do it honestly and everything! But your words have all decided to catch in your throat. Stuttering noises clunkily fall from your mouth and you start to pull your legs up too.
You want to curl up in a ball and then some. Collapse in on yourself until you're nothing. It would fix everything, you think. You get to stop bothering everyone with your existence and they get to know you passed peacefully in bed, or something.
“Hey, hey,” you manage to register over your harrowing thoughts, “It’s okay, Loop. It’s okay. I’m not mad at you, okay?” They slowly and deliberately reach their hand out and take one of yours, finally touching you again. “I’m not mad.”
You know he is, but you don’t say it. You doubt you could, honestly. But you know even if you were able to call his bluff, the warmth quickly spreading from his hand to yours makes you want to grab onto him and never let go. You think you’d simply die if you allowed yourself to say something stupid and ruin this.
So you just nod wordlessly. You don’t believe him, but you don’t care. You don’t care. You’re tired, you’re weirdly cold (which is another sensation you've just started to process) and you want to be back in his arms. You want to feel his hands running up and down your back again. You want to feel shielded from the world again, secured by him.
You want, you want, you want. You want so badly your head is spinning with it.
And then, like he could read your mind, Siffrin moves forward and pulls your head close to him without a word. Your breath hitches and without even meaning to, you immediately cling to your warped mirror image. He lets out a small gasp and you stiffen. You’re so close to ripping yourself away in fear, scared that you’d overstepped, but though your mind is running a mile a minute, the message to move your limbs is getting caught in sticky cobwebs. You’re not fast enough.
Siffrin wraps his arms around you tightly. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “It’s okay.”
You know if you had the energy, you would already be bawling again.
Instead, you just breathe heavily and nod into his chest lightly.
A beat passes. And then, “I know it’s gonna be hard but… We are gonna have to talk about this. Not right now, but…” He sighs. “We have to.”
You simply nod again.
Siffrin hums, acknowledging your acknowledgement, and continues to rub your back.
You’re quiet as he does so, letting your eyes slip closed.
Well. That was… awful.
You’re more drained than you think you’ve ever been in your entire life. You didn’t even do anything besides cry and whine and beg on your hands and knees for a scrap of physical attention. You didn’t even do the hard part of this and talk about anything yet, not even to Siffrin!
But even with all that ringing true, you find yourself starting to lose consciousness. You’re so tired. So worn. You can deal with everything after another quick nap, surely.
So, you let yourself snuggle closer to the one holding you so gingerly and let out a content sigh. After everything, you’re here. After everything, you’re not alone. After everything, you feel…
Oh.
You feel… safe.
…
A small, hidden smile finds its way onto your face only a few moments before you pass out entirely.
You’ll never forget this.
end a/n: you got a memory of reflection! when equipped, start every encounter with the Safe status
wc: 3,753
uploaded 6/4/24
a/n:
chapter warnings:
- death via dagger briefly mentioned
- loop scratches themself really badly as a form of self harm
^ i think thats everything but if you can think of something i should add please lmk ^^
You’re running.
You’re running and you’re shouting their names and your hand is outstretched and you need to catch up with them.
Your family friends party get further and further away with each heartbeat that pulses quickly through you. You throw out name after name, but they don’t respond. You can tell they’re talking amongst themselves and having a fun time together.
You feel tears start to run down your cheeks. “Please!” you scream, “Please, don’t leave me! I—I can’t be alone again!! I can’t!! I—!!”
You trip and fall and don’t try to get up. Instead you stay there on the ground, sobbing into the lightless void around you.
Why won’t they stop? Didn’t they want you to come along? Why are they leaving you? What did you do!?
“Please…” you cry quietly. “Please…”
No one replies.
Grief bursts in your chest and you pound the ground next to you in rage.
“Why did you even invite me on this stupid blinding journey if you were just gonna leave me anyways!?” you wail. “Was it fun!? To get me feeling like maybe it was actually okay to hope and want again, just to rip it all away!? Did you laugh!? Are you laughing!?” Your throat is hoarse. “TELL ME!” you shout anyways, only to lose all your energy after. You’re back to just barely being above a whisper. “Please… At… At least tell me what I did wrong.”
You breathe heavily as you wait for an answer. You wait and you wait and you wait. And just when you’re about to give up, you hear it.
The smallest giggle ever.
“Loooop~” you hear above you, making you snap your head up.
The group you were chasing has all but disappeared, save for one.
In front of you stands Siffrin. They’ve got a massive smile on their face and have a hand pushed out towards you.
“Si… Siffrin…?” you ask, voice trembling. You’re almost afraid he’s going to fade away if you acknowledge him.
But he doesn’t. Instead, he giggles again.
“That’s ‘stardust’ to you~” they grin, swaying a bit from side to side. They stop suddenly and look away, a thoughtful look on their face. “Hmm, no. That’s not quite right, is it?” They look back at you, some sharp emotion in their eye. “It’s ‘Stardust’ actually, isn’t it?” A cruel, knowing smile makes itself known as they say it.
You flinch. Though they had said the same thing twice, they really didn’t. You could hear the difference. You’re the only one who used it, after all.
The idea that they know there’s a difference at all scares you. That they’re then able to also appropriately define that difference and subsequently throw it back in your face kind of makes you want to die.
Siffrin laughs, bringing you out of your panic enough to focus on him again. He waves his hand in front of you.
“Are you going to make me stand like this all day, or will you let me help you up?”
Something is wrong and you can feel it so much that you shake with it. But…
Though you are hesitant, you take the rogue’s hand.
He smiles lightly and pulls you up.
“Th-thank you, S—” you begin, only for the words to die on your tongue once you take in his expression.
Siffrin is… angry, you think. Livid, even. There is clear contempt and disgust across his face. The hand that still holds onto yours squeezes tightly and you wince.
“U-um…” you try, giving a shy and pleading smile. “You’re… um…” Stars, why are you so afraid right now? It’s just Siffrin! Even though something is clearly wrong right now, it’s fine, isn’t it? It’s Siffrin. He wouldn’t hurt you, not on purpose. Not if he wasn’t made to. You take a breath. He squeezes harder. You ignore it and press on. “You’re… hurting me,” you manage.
Siffrin’s response is to simply look at you in silence as he turns his already tight hold into a vice grip.
You yelp, unprepared, and try to snatch your hand back.
Siffrin doesn’t let you.
“Ohh, Loop,” he chuckles. It sounds weird, like it takes up the entire void’s worth of space around you. “You think I’m hurting you right now? Really and truly?”
You let out a pathetic whine, finding yourself too afraid to answer. What could you say? Yes? Place blame on him and give him more reason to hate you? No, you couldn’t do that. So, with nothing else to do, you shake your head.
Siffrin barks out a laugh and lets your hand go. You’re so busy pulling it close to you and wrapping your other one around its wrist, you’re not prepared for what he does next.
With a growl turned shout, the rogue pushes you roughly to ground. You fall backwards and just barely manage to not catch yourself in time, only able to turn and make your shoulder take the brunt force of it. You breathe heavily as you recover, looking up with fearful eyes as Siffrin stares down at you menacingly.
They seem larger than life suddenly, looming over you. They’ve got their dagger out and there’s an odd glint in their eye. A shade you distinctly remember seeing when the sky was breaking in half takes over their lightless iris.
“Loop,” they say, emotionless. It reverberates in your skull painfully. “You came into my life during a deep time of need. For that, I thank you. For making yourself useful, I thank you.”
You can’t find the words to reply with. They simply won’t come to the surface. So you just nod, accepting the thanks.
This may have been the wrong response.
“However,” Siffrin’s voice booms as he bends down, wind forming as he moves. He presses his dagger to your throat and you gasp just a bit, terrified. The weapon has scaled with him, so it covers your whole neck and then some.
You dare not move, staring at him with pleading eyes.
He ignores you.
“Your use has run out,” he says. “And so I will be ending your continued existence.”
“Wait!” you cry, adrenaline flooding you and forcing your mind to finally work again, “Siffrin, please! I’ll—I’ll leave! I’ll leave and you'll never see me again! Just please, please don’t kill m—!”
The dagger moves just enough to quiet you immediately, fear once again overtaking you.
Of all things that Siffrin could do now, he just smiles.
“You’d just come back,” they say simply.
Your heart sinks immediately. You know what’s going to happen now. You take a shallow breath and look at your stardust blankly, waiting for absolution.
His eye closes for just a moment, and when it opens again, that weird shade is gone. He looks down at you with an unreadable expression, and then…
“Goodnight, starlight,” he says so gently you almost start to believe he’ll simply leave you be.
But there’s no such luck, of course.
You feel the metal of the blade swiftly rip across your thr—
You gasp awake roughly, thrashing the second you can will your limbs to move. The fabric of Siffrin’s cloak revolts against this, and you quickly find yourself feeling restrained.
This… is not a fun development for you. You let out a squawk and fumble and tumble and somehow end up in a lump on the floor.
This is decidedly an even worse development. You have got to get out of this thing.
Hastily you right yourself and fist the rim of the cloak, starting to try and pull it off of you. Too little too late, you remember your spikes and—
The collar pushes past your head without protest. Your arms are straight up now. You can feel your hat is off too, being lifted up by its brim and pushed up by your hands.
You blink into the starry insides of Siffrin’s cloak forcefully. And then again. And again.
…Right. Right. You… You have a real head now. You look normal. You sigh heavily. You’re normal.
Your tail twitches anxiously.
…Well. You’re normal enough, you guess.
A soft knock at your door causes you to let out a scratchy squeak of surprise. “Loop?” echoes through it carefully. It’s Siffrin. Of course it’s Siffrin. “Are you okay?”
You clear your throat as you finish taking off the cloak and toss it forward, the hat going with it.
“Fine, Stardust~!” you lie expertly, slowly raising off of the floor. Now that you’re completely free of accessories, you feel lighter. Floaty, even. The door creaks open just a bit as you try to use the bed to keep yourself steady.
“Can I come in?” Siffrin asks, as if he’s not already on his way. You sway against your will. Your head feels like it’s being filled with cotton.
“You’ve already got a foot in the door,” you snark anyways. Keeping up appearances was more important than worrying about your balance. “Might as well keep walking and make it a pair.”
The rogue hums and pushes all the way into the room, diligently closing the door behind him right after. He turns to you, mouth open, and…
Just… stands there?
You raise an eyebrow. “Cat got your tongue?” you chuckle, deciding to flop down forwards on the mattress. You were tired of trying to stand up straight. You prop up your chin on folded hands and kick your legs lazily. “Speak to me, Stardust.”
Siffrin blinks, and then clears his throat. His arms pull up to his chest and he plays with his hands. “You… took off your clothes,” he notes.
“That I did,” you nod.
“And you… look the same.”
Did you? You hadn’t actually taken the time to process anything past your hands. Looking behind you proves him correct. Your lower half down is entirely lightless, save for the bright stars scattered all over you.
“So I do,” you nod again.
Siffrin nods too. “And…” they start before trailing off. You let the word hang, expecting more.
Their face is pinched with some peculiar brand of confusion. You tilt your head.
“And~?” you prod. You kick your legs some more and feel your tail wave lazily from side to side.
“And you. Have horns…?” he says like he’s afraid he’s incorrect.
He’s not, of course. You do indeed have horns now, don’t you?
“Seems like it,” you confirm.
“Andatail,” he rushes out, face turning a few shades darker for some reason.
You blink and feel your eyebrows knit together a little as you try to pull apart his words in a way that turns them into a sentence. “Anduh…” you mumble, feeling your face honestly screw up in thought. “And a… And a ta—Oh!” You grin widely. “A tail! Yes!” you giggle, wagging it a little for emphasis. “I do very much have a tail now~!”
“Whydoyouhaveatail?” immediately spills out of Siffrin’s mouth.
You laugh easily and turn over on your back, hands coming up to your chest. “You’re gonna have to slow that one down for me, Stardust!” you grin, looking at him upside down now. The haze in your head has slowly started to ebb, but you’re still not entirely about all your wits just yet. You’d still need a bit more help.
“U-um…” the rogue stutters, pulling at the edge of his gloves. “Why. Do you have a tail. Is what I said.” He stares at you for a few seconds before hastily looking away. His cheeks look like they’re on fire.
Aww, is he embarrassed to ask? You snicker and cover your mouth. You don’t really understand what’s so embarrassing about it, but you like that you clearly have him flustered.
“I couldn’t really tell you, Stardust,” you sigh with a small smile after recovering. “Same reason I have your face now, I suppose?”
Siffrin’s expression grows troubled the second you suggest it and you are suddenly aware you have backed yourself into a corner.
“We… We should probably talk about that,” he says carefully after a few seconds.
You can’t help the groan that leaves your lips. “Must we?” you ask, turning right side up again. “Like, do we really?”
“Yes, Loop,” Siffrin sighs, exasperated. “You—you look like me! And we don’t know why! We have to at least figure out why, don’t you think?”
Your smile pushes forcefully at your eyes. “Hm,” is all you say, refusing to look at him.
You briefly consider lying to him. Acting like you have no clue. Maybe it’s just what the Universe willed, you could say. That would be something, right? Something that absolved you from guilt? That was a good idea. You think it’s a really good idea.
You’re readying yourself to say your line with perfect ambiguity when you notice Siffrin’s expression shift in the corner of your eye.
“...You know why,” he accuses with no malice. It’s not an inquiry either. He knows you know.
You immediately feel panic grip you. How? How does he know you know why you’re like this? There’s no way he can read your mind. He would have used that ability and figured you out forever ago if he could. So how? How did he…?
“Loop?” Siffrin says quietly, starting to move forward. You’re frozen, unable to will yourself to move. How did he…? “Loop, hey, hey.” He pushes his hands out as he gets closer to you. “I’m not mad or anything if you know, okay? I’m actually super relieved you have a lead! I’m relieved, okay?” When he’s finally close enough, he takes one of your rigid hands into both of his and pulls it tenderly to his chest. “Breathe with me?” he asks gently.
You shut your eyes tightly and nod sharply once, a deep grimace pulling on your face.
You feel Siffrin’s chest begin to rise. “In…” they mumble, thankfully choosing to guide you through this.
You quickly breathe in a burst of air, just now coming to terms with the fact you were probably not breathing for a moment now. Or maybe you were breathing too heavily? You can’t remember.
“...And out.” You let out the air alongside your other half, albeit a lot less controlled than him. You think you’re shaking. “In…” he starts again, pulling in more air.
You stutter in another breath and hold it badly.
“...And out,” Siffrin lets out after a second of holding their own breath. Again, you push out yours too. It’s smoother this time, if only by a little.
This continues until you slowly open your eyes with a final sigh. Siffrin sighs as well as you look up at him thankfully. There's a weary smile on his face.
“You okay now?” they ask softly, squeezing your hand a bit.
You smile too, even though you very suddenly want to rip your hand away from his grip. You don’t know why though, so you don’t. Instead, you nod.
“I am. Thank you, stardust.” Your smile turns wry. “That makes twice you’ve helped me in the past couple days with your little breathing thing, doesn’t it?” You stick your tongue out. “Should I make you a little loyalty card or something? What do you want when you reach ten stamps?”
Siffrin gazes down at you with an odd look. What? Bad joke or something?
They take a deep breath before saying, “I need to know what happened, Loop. We have to tell our friends something and if I know how you ended up like this in the first place, maybe we can put together a story that doesn’t sound like we’re insane?”
“I mean, we are,” you blurt out without thinking about it. You can tell that was not the right thing to do though, Siffrin's sharp look confirming as such. You clear your throat and glance away from him. “B-but yes, I…” You trail off and sigh heavily. “I will tell you what happened.”
You gingerly try to pull your hand away from Siffrin’s and he lets you, allowing you to push up on the bed and take a seat proper. You then gently pat the spot next to you, inviting him to follow suit.
They do so. In just a few seconds you are sitting side by side with someone who looks dangerously similar to you.
(You distantly wonder if it should be the other way around, or if, since you came first anyways, they still count as the clone. You don’t think now’s the time to dwell on it though, so you don’t.)
Siffrin leans on your shoulder. You lean back.
“...You know how wishing got me here?” you choose to start with after a few seconds of silence. Siffrin nods. You feel it against the same spot you two had briefly collided into a few days prior. “Right. Well.” You take a deep breath in and out. “Well. It was. Definitely a wish, wasn’t it?”
Again Siffrin nods, but this time he reaches for your hand, delicately removing it from where it was beginning to claw at your knee. You hadn’t even realized you were doing that. He moves it to his own leg and threads your fingers together.
You close your eyes.
“It… It got us out,” you continue. “It got us here. We’re free now ‘cause of that wish, y’know?” You let out a bit of a breathy laugh. “We’re free.”
“We’re free,” Siffrin repeats reassuringly.
“So!” you barrel on, knowing if you stop you’ll never start again, “So, so, so~!” Your free hand comes up to grab at your arm tightly. “I thought, ‘you know, maybe this whole wishing thing isn’t all bad!’ Since it got me here, y’know?” You hear Siffrin hum, but you talk over it. “A-and so I thought, ‘maybe I could make another!’ After I got—got sad or whatever.” You spit the emotion out like it personally offended you. “I saw my reflection in the mirror and thought about how stupid and weird I looked and I just—I didn’t wanna look like that anymore! Y’know?” A tittery laugh wrenches its way out of your throat. “So I went! To the Favor tree! And made! A! Wish~!”
You are very, very aware of your breath coming out shallowly. You swallow it as best as you can before giving a sharp squeeze to your arm. You feel a spark of pain blossom in it and you sigh, opening your eyes once more.
“I wished I… looked normal,” you say, unable to tell if your voice sounded so bland because you wanted it to or not. “I guess… I guess this Is what the Universe thought I meant when I said normal.”
You let your hand drop from your arm, signifying your explanation's end. Siffrin doesn’t say anything for a while, probably trying to work everything out in his head before commenting.
Finally he says in a quiet voice, “What about the horns? A-and the tail?”
You hum. “Not sure,” you shrug. “I guess I must’ve messed up my phrasing or whatever.”
Siffrin’s eyebrows crease. “...What did you wish for exactly, Loop?” he asks softly.
Your breath hitches. “I…” you try, yesterday coming back to you in pieces.
You look at yourself in the mirror.
“I wish I looked less like a mistake.”
You see a devil.
“I wish I looked more like how I felt.”
You wish…
“I wish… I looked… normal.”
You shiver.
“...Must I?” you ask, giving Siffrin a look, begging him not to make you lay yourself bare.
He looks back at you empathetically, but you can tell what his answer is without him even saying anything.
You sigh heavily, but recite your wishes diligently, one by one. You very pointedly do not look at him whilst doing so.
“Loop…” Siffrin mumbles, a deep sense of compassion pity in his voice, “You weren’t a mistake. You’re not a mistake, even now.” You let out a small huff of a laugh, but don’t say anything. “I mean it,” he insists for some reason, squeezing the hand that still holds yours. “I really do.”
“Whatever,” you dismiss. “I don’t see what good knowing what I wished for exactly does for us anyways. Just made me sound like a blinding fool.”
“It’s not like that,” Siffrin pouts. “I think it helps make sense.”
You frown at him. “How exactly?”
“Well… you said that you first wished to look less like a ‘mistake’, right?” They actually put air quotes over ‘mistake’. You squint unhappily at him.
“Yes,” you answer briskly. “Yes I did.”
“Okay, so you did that and then wished to feel ‘more like how you felt.’ Those words exactly?” You nod, frown deepening.
“Get to the point, Siffrin,” you hiss. Your patience with this talk was quickly waning.
“Sorry,” he says genuinely. “I-I’m just trying to make sure I don’t say something stupid.” You hope the glance you throw his way lets him know he has long since passed that point. If he catches it, he doesn’t react. “But, okay. So you said first that you felt like a mistake, and then asked to look like how you felt?” His tone is apologetic. “I think maybe that could have had something to do with the… extra features?” His voice upturns at the end shyly.
You blink vacantly at him.
Oh. Oh.
…You were going to rip yourself to shreds.
Of course. Of course you had messed up your stupid blinding wish! Again! You had managed to do it twice in a row! You felt like you deserved a prize or something at this point!
“Loop?” Siffrin asks, worried. “Loop, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing~!” you smile tightly, pulling your hand out of his so you can bring it up to your arm. Your other follows along on the other side. You don’t have nails, but the tips of your fingers dig into your flesh anyways. “Don’t even worry about it, okay~?”
Siffrin balks at you before suddenly standing and moving in front of you. He tries to pry your hands away from your arms but you don’t let him, digging in even more. You feel some weird sensation pop in your right arm before there’s an odd feeling on your hands.
The rogue gasps and pulls away, eye widening in shock.
“What?” you jeer, upset that you’ve found yourself in another corner. You plan on weaseling out of this one, though. “What’s so blinding surprising right now? Why are you looking at me like that?”
Slowly but surely Siffrin raises a shaking finger to your arm. “Loop, you’re bleeding.”
…What?
“What?” you laugh in disbelief. “No I’m not!” There’s no way you were bleeding. You can’t anymore.
…You… You can’t, right?
Your laughter dies in your throat as Siffrin stares at you, deathly serious.
With a forceful swallow, you look at where he was pointing.
Coating your fingers is some weird, goop like substance. It’s just a bit lighter than your lower half and has bright, darkless stars in it. It’s currently creeping its way down your arm from where you had summoned it with your incessant grip.
“Ah,” you smile simply. “...So I am.”
end a/n: its so, so, so, so, sooooooo important to me that you understand there is a very distinct difference between capital s Stardust and lowercase s stardust. okay? okay? do you understand? its ok if not bc i havent actually explained it yet but you have to be aware at least, okay? please. you have to.
wc: 3,848
uploaded 6/4/24
a/n:
chapter warnings:
- death via dagger briefly mentioned again oopz :ehe:
You look anywhere else as Siffrin carefully bandages your arm. They had insisted on doing so after cleaning up the puncture just moments ago with some of the medicine they had bought yesterday.
You are quiet. You have been quiet. You don’t really want to be here, being looked after like this. It makes your skin crawl uncomfortably.
You also don’t really want to be anywhere else either though, so. It wasn’t like you had much of a choice, you guess.
“Finished,” Siffrin nods, finally pulling his hands away from you. “You could even say it’s a Done Heal.”
Indignantly you turn towards a winking Siffrin as the feeling of Craft surrounds your newly wrapped up wound.
“You are just the worst sometimes, do you know that?” you scrutinize.
He pushes his tongue out cutely. “You love it,” he smirks.
“If that helps you sleep at night,” you huff back.
“You love it~” he repeats playfully, leaning forward and draping his arms over your shoulder. He’s in your face now, that weird look that he kept making at you every so often popping up again.
It intrigues you now. You’re curious if he’s aware he does it.
“Stardust,” you start slowly, trying to make sure your words make sense before you commit, “Do you… Do you know you do this little face a lot of the time?”
Siffrin blinks and pulls back a bit, previous expression cleared to make way for minute confusion.
“Face…?” he asks, lips pursing. “Do you… wanna be any more specific?”
You chuckle and do your best to mimic it. Softening your eyes as you gaze at him, you let your mouth slip into an easy smile. Your eyebrows pull together just a little too, completing the look. You hold it for a few seconds before dropping it, letting your expression neutralize before grinning.
“That look,” you explain. “That… Siffriny look.”
Immediately they burst into a quick laugh. “Siffriny?” he echoes, continuing to chuckle into his hand. “That’s what you’re calling it? The Siffriny look?”
You feel your cheeks flush a bit and you puff them out, hoping that warping them will somehow bury the shade.
“I could call it that look Siffrin gives me when he’s being really stupid and I hate him and want to punch him, but that’d be just a bit of a mouthful, don’t you think?” you jab, crossing your arms with pursed lips and squinting eyes. As Siffrin laughs harder, your left hand lands on your wrappings and catches your attention. Your eyes move to look down at it.
It’s a nice, clean, light shade. There’s not a single speck of your blood on it or leaking through it. Siffrin did a really good job at patching you up, didn’t he?
The rogue catches your line of sight and calms himself with a couple of deep breaths before commenting. “...Did you know you could bleed?” he asks hesitantly.
You sigh heavily. “No, I honestly didn’t,” you reply, tearing your gaze away from the bandages. “I also didn’t… I didn’t mean to make myself bleed, y’know.” You don’t look at him, but you can practically feel him giving you the look again.
You shut your eyes and push your shoulders up to your ears, trying to block their view of you. You can feel your tail gently wap at the bedsheets with anxious shame.
“We should talk about that more, too,” Siffrin says gently as he moves his hands from where they had been evicted to after you forced your shoulders up. One comes to rest carefully near the joint of your good arm and rubs up and down softly.
As much as you’d hate to admit it right now, it’s really comforting. So, you sigh with the weight of the Universe and let your shoulders drop. Siffrin fixes his hold immediately and wordlessly, moving it to be near the top of your arm now. You find it’s still just as soothing.
“...Maybe,” you relent. “But not now, okay?” Your eyes are pleading with him as you look over. “Not now.”
Your stardust sizes you up for a few seconds before ultimately relenting himself. “Okay,” he breathes, although you can tell he wants to press. “We have to talk about it later though. Okay?” He holds his free hand up, pulled together in a fist save for his lone pinky. “Pinky promise?”
You scoff. “What are we, 5?”
His gaze doesn’t falter. Yours does.
You will not be put on the spot like this. Not alone, at least.
So you raise your hand and mirror his, but don’t move it yet. Instead, you level a look at him. “I will talk about… this,” you grit out, “But only if you talk about your issues with things like this too.”
Siffrin’s expression slips for a quick second, giving you the sharp tingle of satisfaction of successfully trapping him in a catch 22.
…It promptly wanes, guilt stabbing at you instead. What kind of freak gets excited at the thought of making someone they were supposed to care for upset?
A monster, your mind provides helpfully. A cruel, vile ghoul who simply revels in spreading suffering and causing strife.
You squeeze your eyes shut, breath catching in your throat. Stop, you beg. Please, stop.
Disgusting, your mind sneers with even more scorn than usual. Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting Loop. I’d call you the worst of humanity, but you’re not even human anymore, are you~?
You’re not. You’re not and it makes you sick to think about.
Glad you know your place at least, your mean, terrible, no good, awful thoughts finish, leaving you feeling scathed and empty.
You absently begin to uncurl your hand and move it to your arm.
“Deal,” Siffrin says abruptly, startling you just a bit. You definitely do not jump and you definitely do not squeak.
“D-deal…?” you stammer, finding yourself a little dazed. What were you just talking about…?
“I’ll talk about my stuff if you talk about yours,” Siffrin reminds you, waving his hand a little.
Oh. Oh, right.
You gulp and reform the proper hand shape, delicately linking your pinky with his and shaking it. “Deal,” you nod.
The rogue seems satisfied, letting the connection drop. He just as quickly threads his hand with yours though, a smile pulling at his face.
You look down at your entwined hands and feel a bemused grin pull at you. “You sure like doing this, don’t you, stardust?” You poke teasingly. “Not that I have much of a problem with it, but I do find it curious.” You push up against him with a giggle. “Does somebody like holding my hand~?”
“Yeah,” Siffrin answers, surprisingly honest. “I do.”
You blink in a bit of astonishment, not expecting such an easy answer out of him. You look away and hope your cheeks aren’t betraying you right now.
He must notice something on your face though, because he giggles. “Oh?” he smiles brightly, “Is someone unable to accept open forms of affection~?”
Every bit of shyness leaves you immediately as you turn on him, incredulous. “YES!!” you shout, “YOU!!”
He cackles at that, taking his turn to push against you. He moves until you allow him to press his head neatly into the crook of your neck. This works out for you nicely it turns out, as it means he’s unable to see just how dark your awful, double crossing face currently is.
The room falls into a relatively comfortable silence as Siffrin calms from his laughing fit. You don’t say anything, almost afraid to break whatever brittle peace has taken hold, but you don’t have to.
Siffrin’s always here to help.
“You know,” he starts with a light sigh, “I know you told me why you call me Stardust, but I’ve been thinking about that.”
“Oh yeah?” you murmur softly, urging him onwards.
“Yeah,” he tries to nod, only to seemingly remember your current setup and stop. He pushes on, but if his slight squeeze to your hand is any indicator, he’s probably sporting an acutely embarrassed look on his face now. “I, um… I was just thinking, you barely call me anything else? Which I don’t have a problem with!” he’s quick to tack on before continuing, “But, I dunno. All that to say I…” You hear him take a deep breath, his hand tightening around yours once more. “I was just… thinking of giving you your own nickname, is all.”
You perk up immediately. “Me~?” you squeak joyously. “You’re gonna give little ol’ Loop a nickname all of their own~?”
“Um…” Siffrin mumbles with a shy chuckle, “I-if you really want it? You might not like it, so—”
You rush to push Siffrin away from you just so that you can turn to him even more, legs pulling up from over the side of the bed completely. You place one of your hands firmly on his shoulder and turn him towards you too, your other hand flying to his remaining shoulder once it has access.
“Stardust,” you breathe excitedly, “Tell. Me. The. Name.”
To their credit, Siffrin only looks moderately surprised. You’d joke about his reaction, something about not being dramatic enough for him, but the thought fizzles out nearly as soon as it comes to you.
You couldn’t believe this. A nickname? For you? People only gave nicknames to others when they were really and truly friends, right?
You mean… Yes, you had your nickname for Siffrin, but that was different. You think it held way too many complicated connotations to really count as a proper capital n Nickname.
But!
That!! Being!! Said!!
The idea of Siffrin seeing you as an honest to stars friend makes you almost humiliatingly happy, but you can’t find it in yourself to care. You know it’s selfish and greedy and wanting of you, but you just don’t care. You’re about to have a nickname for stars sake!!
It’s been only a few seconds, but Siffrin hasn’t said anything yet and you are positively anxious with anticipation, so you shake him.
“Naaaame!!” you demand, managing to pull a laugh out of them.
“Okay, okay!” Siffrin smiles, mimicking you by grabbing your shoulders and giving you a quick shake. You laugh now too, finding theirs infectious. They wait for you to calm down before going, “So. Loop.”
“Yes~?” you singsong. Oooh, here it comes…!
“The name I’ve been thinking about—and you have to tell me if you don’t like it okay?” You groan lightheartedly, shaking them again. “You do!” they laugh. “Do you promise?”
“Sure, sure, I promise, I promise,” you wave off flippantly, starting to bounce in suspense. “Now tell me, tell me!!”
With one final deep breath, Siffrin smiles at you, warmth in his gaze. “Starlight,” he says simply.
You can feel something inside of you crack instantly.
“Goodnight, starlight,” a warped version of Siffrin’s voice resounds in your mind.
Your breath hitches and you all but lurch backwards from a newly puzzled Siffrin, hands coming to hover around your neck.
You feel like you’re choking on air. You literally might be, now that you actually need it to breathe.
A careful finger presses against your throat.
Steel edge meets your flesh and—
The gasp that heaves its way out of you is almost enough to make you puke.
“L-Loop?” Siffrin frets, eye filled with panic. “Was—was that bad? Did I say something wrong? Was that a bad name?” He moves, probably trying to get close enough to touch you, but your rear back even more.
“D-don’t—!” you stutter, wheezing, “Don’t…” You can’t finish your sentence.
Siffrin sits back, distress exuding from his features. It’s clear that without being able to touch you as he’s done thus far, he’s kind of lost. “U-um…” he tries anyways, “I… I’m sorry…” He’s pulling on the edge of his gloves. “I-I should’ve never… I’m sorry.”
Look at what you’ve done now, your mind quickly admonishes. You close your eyes in grief, accepting the oncoming beration. You really made a mess of it, didn’t you? You did. You’ve managed to ruin everything the second it started getting good again. You did. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you actually have fun destroying all your relationships! You…
You don’t.
You really, really don’t.
You have to fix this.
“D-don’t…” you breathe quietly, clearing your throat and electing to try again. “Don’t… apologize…” you’re just barely able to say, hands finally dropping from their protective poise. “I just… You…” Your explanation dies as quickly as it begins, realization over taking you.
You’re gonna have to be honest with him, aren't you?
Ugh.
“You called me… something similar in the nightmare I had earlier,” you settle on, opening your eyes again. It wasn’t entirely true, but you didn’t want him to think any of this was his fault. A minor fib was okay in this event, surely.
The miserable frown that pulls on his features makes you think you did a bad job at trying to save his feelings anyways. “You had a nightmare about me...?” he whimpers, sounding completely heartbroken.
Oops.
“I-I…” you fumble, forcing your hands to stay put where they are in your lap. “It’s…”
Siffrin looks at you pleadingly, and you whine unwillingly. You have no choice but to tell the truth on this.
“Yes,” you languish, giving in to your urge to clasp your antsy hands around your arms. Your left one rests under the bandage on your right arm and you make a very concentrated effort to control how hard you squeeze. “Yes, Siffrin. I had a nightmare about you. I-I had a nightmare about everybody, actually. But you were there and you called me…” you trail off just in time, remembering you have to lie for at least part of this, “You called me something very similar, and I just. Wasn’t prepared to hear it actually come from you, I guess.”
Siffrin looks like you’d just attacked him without warning, but in an even worse way than you could imagine on your own. There is no betrayal in his single eye. Just a deep, powerful sense of understanding.
Your skin crawls uncomfortably.
“I’m—” he tries, only for you to swiftly cut him off.
“Don’t you dare say sorry,” you squint. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t—” deserve it. “I don’t need it. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But…” they try again, but you’re not having it.
“No buts,” you persist. “...Please,” you add on after a moment of silence.
Siffrin looks away from you finally and you let out a small breath, relieved. You’ve won this little spat, at least.
The quiet this time is distinctly unpleasant. Siffrin is tugging at the hem of his gloves roughly while your hands clamp around your arms firmly, previous considerations having been thrown out of your head at some point along the line.
You don’t think Siffrin will be bursting the bubble this time, so it’s up to you.
“...Sorry,” you mumble, your whole body slumping forward. Your hands fall like bricks back into your lap, fingers twitching with a lack of something to do. Your tail moves almost absently into your upturned palms and, with only a bit of hesitance, you decide to play with the inky tuft of hair that’s now at your disposal. “That was… That wasn’t your fault.”
“It’s okay,” your wonderful, awful, amazing and terrible stardust says like it’s nothing. There’s a strange smile on his face. “It wasn’t yours, either.”
…Oh.
You.. hadn’t thought of it like that.
“...Okay,” you say weakly, unwilling to fight them on this. “Okay.”
A small beat passes before you let your tail go and push a hand out in a silent offering.
Siffrin accepts instantaneously.
His fingers weave into yours and you are suddenly made very aware of the way his gloves match your hands. You imagine what it would be like if he weren't wearing them. The juxtaposition of his near darkless digits mingling with your lightless, starry ones.
Something pulls at your chest. You’re sure if you were feeling better you could make some sort of joke about this, but it doesn’t really feel like the time. So, you let the thought float away. Maybe next time.
“...We should make up our story soon,” you say after a bit.
Siffrin looks at you, confused. “Story?”
“On why I look like this,” you explain.
“Can’t we just tell them the truth?” the rogue asks innocently as they tilt their head.
You chuckle softly. Cute.
“You want me to tell them I think myself some sort of mistake?” you ask, voice a little tighter than you’d really like. You breathe before continuing, trying to control yourself better. “I don’t think so.” This time you sound less stressed, but somehow much, much more angry. You don’t like that either, so you try once more. “I-I…” You sigh. There was only one way to say this, unfortunately. “I don’t want them to… to pity me,” you rasp.
The rogue gives you that Siffriny look again and suddenly, finally… it clicks.
It’s… care.
That’s what this look is. Blatant and undeniable care.
Siffrin cares for you.
You… feel like you should have known that. You feel like maybe you did. You feel like maybe you did, and you’ve just been ignoring it this whole time.
…You think it’s time to start paying attention.
With deep regard you stare back at Siffrin, mimicking the look once again. You hope and pray it speaks louder than any words you could muster right now.
When he responds by leaning forward with a closed eye and light smile, you copy, feeling like maybe you succeeded.
Together you breathe in sync, foreheads pressed against each other.
“We’ll make something up,” Siffrin offers, but you shake your head against his.
“No, no. I should…” You sigh, but push on regardless. “I should just… tell the truth. I should know better than anyone how hard it is keeping up with lies.” Your eyes slip closed. “I can’t keep lying anymore. I can’t.” You take a deep breath in… and out. “I won’t,” you declare.
Siffrin hums and squeezes your hand slightly, reassuringly. “I’m proud of you,” he says gently.
You laugh quietly and think about throwing out a jab, but you don’t.
“Thank you, stardust,” you reply softly instead, opening your eyes and pushing the emotion in them too. “Thank you.”
“Anytime, Loop,” Siffrin grins back.
And, for some reason, it stings. Your instinct is to run away from that feeling without so much as examining it first, but…
You decide to diligently follow the thread laid out before you. When you reach its end, you’re hit with a realization you would have never found had you not searched for it.
You… You don’t want them to be stardust and you to be Loop. You don’t.
So, once again, you take a deep breath in… and out.
“Starlight,” you blurt out unceremoniously.
Siffrin blinks, eyebrows creasing. “...What?” he asks with a small, bemused chuckle.
“Starlight,” you repeat with more force. “That’s the nickname you wanted to use for me, right?”
“Yes, but…” Siffrin breaks the connection between the two of your heads to look at you more carefully. Concern is clear in his expression. “A-are you sure?” He glances away, shame spreading over his features. “Your nightmare…”
“Was dumb,” you dismiss easily, reaching for his other hand with your free one. He takes it as soon as he can, looking back at you. “Don’t worry about it, okay?”
“...Is it really okay?” they ask again, voice somehow even more trepidatious than before.
You just smile at him. “Yes, stardust. Really.” You feel silly saying this, but… “I’d… I’d really like it, I think.”
Just like that, Siffrin’s face explodes in delight.
“O-okay!!” they say, starting to rock a bit. They probably don’t even realize it. Your eyes crinkle with affection. “Starlight it is, then!!”
“Starlight it is,” you nod.
This is nice, you think. Being here with Siffrin, trading nicknames, getting closer in the process… Even if you had caused some turmoil along the way, you think that’s fine.
If it led you here, it was worth it.
In this moment, as you hold a happy Siffrin’s hands, you’re—
Something makes a frankly obscene noise, cutting off your train of thought. You blink at Siffrin, who was also clearly caught off guard.
“Starlight…?” he asks carefully, like he’s still afraid he’s not quite allowed to call you that.
“Yes, stardust?” you reply smoothly, hoping to give them some confidence.
You watch as their face slowly morphs into a sly smirk.
…Oh no.
You know this smirk.
“What?” you pout, trying to quickly retrace your steps and find the joke before they could assault you with it. Literally nothing but that sound just happened though, so—
You feel something twist in your stomach. It’s distinctly not a tug, thank the stars, but… It’s also not because of any emotions? As far as you could tell? So…???
You fail in your attempt to beat Siffrin to the punch, and they laugh you out of your thoughts.
“Is someone hungry~?” they grin widely.
Oh, you hate when they do that, stealing your cute little cadence that you specifically put on in an attempt to shove a solid, differentiating wedge between the two of you. It was amongst other things of course, but that was like, one of the bigger reasons, for sure. It was distinctly Your Thing. No Siffrin’s allowed.
But…
Maybe it was okay for them to use it. Sparingly of course, but…
…Wait, what did he say?
Your eyes squint in confusion. “Hungry?” you repeat with a small giggle. “Stardust, I can’t eat. I don’t get hungr—”
This time when your stomach growls, you are very aware of it.
You pretend like you are not.
“I. Don’t get hungry,” you say firmly, also pretending like your face isn’t beginning to flush.
Siffrin is fighting back laughter so hard he looks like he might implode. “Uh huh?” he nods. “I guess you don’t have a mouth either then, huh?”
You open your mouth to retort.
…And promptly close it, screwing up your face. Siffrin lets his laughs tumble out freely now and you puff out your cheeks impetuously. If he comments on how they're burning, you’ll kill him. One word and it’s all over. All this growth, right out the window and you with it. Right after you kill him, of course.
(You know good and well he won’t comment, though. You don’t know how you know, but you know.)
“C’mon,” he chuckles lightly after calming down, letting one of your hands go before standing up. He pulls you up to join him a second later. “Let’s get some food in you.” Their face brightens suddenly as they gasp. “Oh!! I bet Bonbon’ll be ecstatic to know you can eat now!!”
You want to share the sentiment, but… “Won’t they wonder about my face…?” you ask, worry finding its way back to you. Your tail twitches. “A-and my… what did you call them? ‘Extra features’, or whatever?”
“Probably,” Siffrin shrugs. “But something tells me they’ll probably just think it’s cool. Anything else we can explain away easily with Wish Craft, can’t we?”
You consider this for a moment. “So… we’ll just blanket it with Wish Craft for everyone while Bonnie’s still up?” Siffrin nods. “And… then I have to confess my deep sin of feeling to our friends after, don’t I?” you sigh, trying to make sure you really have to do this. Unfortunately, Siffirin nods again.
“You said you would,” they remind lightly, making you groan.
Your stomach follows suit.
“Okay, okay!” you relent as Siffrin laughs at you again. “I’ll do it, I’ll do it! Anything to make this thing shut up!”
“C’mon, starlight,” Siffrin giggles at you cutely, beginning to pull you forward. “I think there’s still some leftovers from last night. Bonnie made crepes!”
You keep your mouth shut tightly and nod.
This time when you feel your stomach flip, you know it’s not because you’re hungry.
end a/n: this couldve easily been apart of the previous chapter but i figured nearly 4k was enough for one part :P the fact that this is Also almost 4k is a coincidence. um. i think i have autism. Anyways~ i hope u liked Interior: Loop’s Room (Con’t): the chapter ^^
wc: 1,761
uploaded 6/5/24
a/n: happy chapter 10 everylooper!! ^^ this one is a little shorter than the others have been so far, but it felt like a good place to end it so !
chapter warnings:
- ayyyyyy loop back at it again w the intrusive thoughts~! they border on suicidal but dont get too detailed, i think. still rather violent either way
- contemplation of self harm
- that damn dagger again
- ummm dissociation? i think? (guy who dissociates regularly but doesnt actually know if theyre ever actually describing it or not when they write)
As it turns out, there are very decidedly not any leftovers to be had.
You watched as Siffrin sifted through the minimal amount of things in the fridge, mumbling to himself, clearly frustrated. He had repeatedly picked up the same three things over and over, eventually just starting to pull them out one by one. Only when there is nothing left to move does he freeze, making you lid your eyes with understanding. He groans deeply and pushes his palms into his face.
“Did you forget someone already ate them?” you chuckle knowingly.
“...I forgot someone already ate them,” he replies curtly.
Forgetting things is a normal occurrence for him, so you’re unsure as to why he seems so mortified.
…And then it hits you.
Your smile turns wry. “Stardust~?” you singsong.
“Yes, Loop?” he asks despairingly, clearly grasping the situation at hand while pressing further into his eyes.
Hm. You’d have to stop that if he didn’t do so himself soon, but it was fine for right now.
So instead of focusing on that, you push your folded hands up under your chin and decide to finish teasing him. “Was it you~?”
Siffrin groans even harder as they drop their hands and briskly return everything to their rightful places before pulling away from the fridge and shutting it roughly. You snort and don’t even try to cover your mouth as you roar with laughter.
“Yeah, yeah,” they grumble, coming to flop down next to you on the couch. They have the most adorable pout on their face as they slump into you with crossed arms.
You smile down at them. “It’s okay, stardust,” you say earnestly. “I’m sure Bonbon will be much happier if my first meal is freshly cooked, don’t you think?”
“I guess,” the rogue grouses, still sounding upset with himself, “But what about until then? You’re hungry! And I ate the rest of the food without so much as a single thought about it!”
“Stardust,” you chuckle easily, carefully moving a hand to his hair and testing the waters. He relaxes an almost embarrassing amount as you begin to pet him. “I didn’t even know I could get hungry until just a few minutes ago. You’re fine, okay?” You ruffle his already messy hair just a bit and he whines a little, indigent. “You’re fine.”
He lets out a long, low hum. Evidently, he’s still unconvinced, so you just sigh and glance around the room.
Perhaps there was something around here you could distract him with?
You continue to gently stroke his head as you take in your surroundings. After a thorough look around, you can safely confirm there’s not much going on.
At least, not on the surface.
See, while you didn’t notice much else, you did notice this place was absolutely rife with drawers and the like, all just waiting to be thoroughly examined.
Your old instincts start to kick in and fill you with eagerness, so you gently pull your hand away from Siffrin and push him off of you.
“Mmph… Loop?” he asks cutely, sounding like you’d just disturbed the beginnings of a nap, “What’s up?”
“Nothing, stardust,” you grin, standing and giving a big stretch. You feel the distinct way your tail pushes its way straight out and down a bit, tugging at your spine in a much better way than when you had sat on it the day prior. It’s… not bad? But it’s peculiar. It’s definitely peculiar. “Just going to do some rummaging around, if you don’t mind.”
“Oh, okay,” they reply slowly, also stretching. Theirs is unique to yours in that they yawn as well, unknowingly confirming your suspicions.
You look at them fondly as they rearrange themself on the couch, head resting on their arms which rest on the arm of the sofa. It’s incredible to you how fast they can find sleep, honestly. You don’t imagine the little… moment you two had in your room a bit ago was anything less than severely mentally taxing on them either, which certainly did not help in beating the tired allegations.
This worked well enough as a distraction for them, you suppose, but…
Though you would really enjoy taking a nap with him, you don’t feel anywhere near safe enough out here. The idea that someone would come back and see the two of you curled up together while you were completely unmasked with your current lack of hat and cloak makes feel a little nauseous.
You could always go put them back on, you guess. But something tells you even with them on, sleep would not be coming as naturally to you as it did Siffrin.
So, with that thought laid to rest, you consider your remaining options. While waiting for everyone to return, you could...
A) Snoop around the room and find something for the two of you to do. (Optimal, you think.)
B) Let Siffrin sleep peacefully and find some way to entertain yourself in your room. (He probably needed the rest something fierce anyways, didn't he?)
C) …???
That… really didn’t leave you with much, haha.
…Stars. Were you really just saying haha out loud in your head now? No one else can even hear your inner monologue, and yet you still somehow found a way to sound pathetic.
Ugh. Whatever.
You shake your head and get to searching. You didn’t really want to have to resort to option B if you were being honest with yourself. The idea of being alone and unoccupied, waiting anxiously for the click of the front door…
What would you do if you were left to your own devices for stars know how long? Would you just sit there? Sit and play your favorite game of Stare Forward With Blank Eyes (While Time Quickly Passes You By)?
Or would you let your thoughts take you over? Let them control you and your actions? What would you do? How deep would you allow yourself to fall?
You decide to think about that, for some reason. Really and truly dwell on it.
Would this be it? Would you let yourself truly begin to spiral endlessly in this one little instance of you being left alone? You could easily think of some awful things about yourself to harp on. You were a very opinionated little star person thing, after all. You're sure you had barely scratched the surface when it came to a topic like that.
Siffrin shifts a bit and your eyes latch on to the movement immediately, quickly darting over.
He’s still without his cloak, undershirt and pants on full display. They’re dark shades, but your vision dances around them, searching for what you know must be on his person.
It takes until he finally settles for the hilt to slip out just far enough, allowing the sun’s rays to catch on it perfectly. It shines like a beacon in the dark.
The dagger.
You can feel your hold on the rest of the world begin to fade away as you stare at it.
You could do any number of things with that. It was tantalizingly sharp and stabby pointy and it made your mind fill with many, many thoughts.
You could kill hurt someone with that.
…You could kill hurt yourself with that.
You… could…
kill him kill yourself kill everyone else kill the whole blinding town kill everyone on this star forsaken planet destroy everything ruin everything make everything awful make everything about you youre always making everything about you arent you disgusting youre disgusting you make me sick you might as well do it like he did it would be so quick it would be so easy you just have to get it and tug it across dont you it was so simple he did it now its your turn finally finally finally youre back on center stage youre in the starring role do it do it do it make the crowd go wild with applause give them the best final act of their lives you have to you have to you have to you feel metal slice across y
Thump, thump, thump.
…what was that
you hear noises
the thing attached to your prize moves why why is it moving why is i
you dont care
you have a part to play
you reach for th
“Loop?”
you pause.
you think you know that word. you know it has some sort of significance to you.
you cant remember why.
you reach f
“Loop!”
you feel your face move even though you didn’t direct it to. you think your eyebrows are pulled together now. you don’t know why.
no matter.
get back on stage, siffrin. you have to finish the show.
you.
reach.
for.
the.
“Starlight!”
you… blink.
you blink really, really hard.
It takes a massive amount of effort, but you manage to clear your vision a bit.
You… You’re hovering over Siffrin, arm outstretched for some reason. You pull it back slowly and bring your hand to your face, deeply confused.
What… What were you just doing? How did you get here?
You drop it, getting ready to ask Siffr—
Your thoughts screech to a halt.
Under you, Siffrin peers up at you, fright pooling in his single lightless iris. He’s pinned himself to the back of the sofa, one hand fisting it underneath him, the other poised in a scissors sign.
You…
You don’t know why, but you have the distinct feeling you’re at fault for this.
Click.
You turn and look behind you, feeling like you’re made of wet cement. The front door flies open and a short preteen jumps through it, hands thrown over their head.
“FRIN!!” they shout, “We’re b—”
Bonnie’s eyes open and catch yours. Their whole demeanor crumbles. You don’t know why. You think you’re to blame for this, too.
“...Frin?” their little voice asks hesitantly, unsure. They look past you, at Siffrin. “B-but…?”
“What’s wrong, Bonb—” Isabeau steps in with several heavy looking bags in his arms, only to stop abruptly when he sees you. His face pulls into a worried smile as he looks between you and the kid. “Ah…” he winces, “Hm.”
He says no more, and you are convinced that this is a bad thing.
Bonnie turns back to the fighter. “Za… Why’s there two Frins…?” They look back at you. “And why’s one of them look all weird, like…” They trail off, clearly trying to work something out.
After what feels like minutes, you see their eyes widen, a conclusion seemingly having been reached.
“...Loop?” they ask, voice disproportionately small compared to just how baffled they sound.
You just stare at them. How did they…?
Your mind is suddenly flashed with a picture of your hat and Siffrin’s cloak laying in a pile in your room unceremoniously. You glance down, knowing it’s true but hoping, praying that maybe, maybe—
There is no such luck for you, of course. You are currently accessoryless in front of Bonnie and Isabeau, who do not look comfortable at all with this development.
…Ah.
You wince.
Hm.
end a/n: (plankton blowing into the tuba noise) i love messin things up ^^
wc: 2,993
uploaded 6/6/24
a/n: hi i realized right before posting this i never made it clear that i know nothing about sasasap and dont plan on changing that whatsoever, so if youre reading this as it updates, this is me letting you know! i am aware that loop is the siffrin from that game, and that their go through was kinda different from isat's siffrin, but! i dont care :P as adrienne said, its my turn now!! i do hope youre enjoying how thats effecting the story, at least!! ^^
“Okay,” Isabeau breathes carefully, “So.”
“So,” Siffrin repeats, pulling at the hem of his gloves.
“So!!” Bonnie follows suit, sounding almost excited of all things.
You… do not join in on the parade.
You stare pointedly at your diligently crossed hands as they very calmly stay still in your lap.
Your tail is a different story, twitching behind you with acute stress. You were very careful about how you took your seat though, and you have it hidden neatly between you and the back of the chair.
You’re unsure if either of the new entries managed to snag a look at it when they first stepped in. The second things started to register after you were fully able to pull yourself out of that weird reprieve, you had forced your tail to wrap around your leg tightly. The appendage itself was just as dark as the hair that sprouted off at its tip, so that made for easy, natural camouflage when pressed close to the lower parts of your lightless form.
Your horns were unfortunately harder to conceal, as they were distinctly unmovable and stuck out of your head unnaturally. You could only hope your choppy and uneven mop of hair was doing a good job at making them blend in.
That just left your face, of course.
There was no hiding that now, though.
You silently wish pray for the Universe to open a gaping maw underneath you and devour you whole.
Someone clears their throat. You think it’s the fighter, but you don’t dare look his way.
The four of you sit near the dining table in a small, crooked circle. The chairs had been moved from the table proper to form this little parley, much to your discomfort. You would have greatly preferred to have the protection of the sturdy furniture in front of you, shielding your disgusting void-like body, but alas.
To one side of you sits the fighter. The other, the rogue. Directly in front of you, the child.
(You feel your eyes slowly draw their attention to Siffrin’s hip for whatever reason.
On his belt are some miscellaneous things that you mostly gaze over, in search of something in particular.
…You do not find it, whatever it is.
Relief pours through your entire being at this revelation. You find you can’t quite understand why.)
You aren’t sure how long it’s been since Isabeau cleared his throat, but he does it again. It’s more forceful this time. Still, you do not look at him. You’re too afraid to lift your head even an inch.
“HEY!!” Bonnie explodes suddenly, throwing that fear to the wayside in favor of this new one. You snap to attention alongside Siffrin, both startled. The kid looks kind of surprised that worked for a moment, before proudly crossing their arms. “That’s more like it!!” they huff.
Isabeau must see this as his in, because he’s quick to follow them up. “Thank you, Bonbon!” he smiles at them cheerfully.
They beam back, clearly happy they managed to help somehow. “No problem, Za!!”
The fighter hums at them before sighing. “Now.” He turns to look between you and your lookalike, some weird unreadable expression on his face. “You two.”
The way he says it makes you feel like you’re in trouble. If the way Siffrin looks is anything to go by, mouth pulled into a thin line with creasing eyebrows, he feels similarly.
“I… I can’t say I really understand what we walked in on?” Isabeau starts, comment upturning at the end with a slight chuckle of all things, “But like, you’re both okay, right?” He looks hopeful that the answer will be positive. “You’re both okay?”
You and Siffrin turn to each other. You don’t really know what to say. You can tell they don’t either.
But you have to say something. You don’t have a choice. But…
You are suddenly struck with a thought and feel your eyes widen. Oh! Right!
You hope with all your heart that your wish didn’t meddle with your ability to do this. You take a deep breath and…
[Are we okay, Stardust?] you try to push into Siffrin’s mind. They jerk back a bit and you have the decency to feel at least a little guilty at being unable to warn them first, but… It wasn’t like there was much else you could’ve done. You’re just thankful it worked at all.
“Sif?” Isabeau asks, and when you glance at him he’s got his hands held anxiously in the air in front of him, fingers working slightly. “You alright?”
“Yes,” Siffrin coughs, blessedly saving you from having to say anything. “Yes, we’re—I’m okay.” He takes a breath in and out. “I’m okay.”
“Okay,” the fighter nods, hands now laying gently on his arms. He then turns you and, despite yourself, you flinch. “...Are you okay, Loop?” he asks after a bit of hesitance, sounding apologetic for whatever reason.
You carefully rearrange your face into something you hope is convincing before nodding yourself. You don’t want to speak if you don’t have to, so you lower your gaze once you’re done. You desperately wish long for something to hide behind.
You can tell from the uncomfortable silence that begins to drag out that you were expected to voice your confirmation as well, but…
Well. They couldn’t make you speak if you didn’t want to, could they?
“You shouldn’t act all weird ‘nd pretend you’re okay if you’re not, Loop,” you hear from directly in front of you. You blink in surprise, a hand absently raising to your chest with astonishment as you look up at Bonnie. They have their arms crossed and wear a loose but serious expression.
“Starbit?” you question, taken aback. Maybe you misheard? “Whatever do you mean?”
Bonnie frowns thoughtfully. “Frin said you would hafta have a dumb Adult Talk before feeling better. And I know that hasn’t happened yet, ‘cause when we all left Frin here earlier to rest while we went ‘nd did stuff in the town, you were still asleep. And since me and Za were the first ones back, it means you probably haven’t talked to Belle or Dile yet either.” Their face is much too young to be housing the wise expression it currently does, you think. “So I know you’re not feelin’ good, ‘cause you still haven’t talked about what was makin’ you cry last night.”
Yeesh. You glance away, feeling embarrassed by being read so easily by a child.
They manage to grab your attention again when they throw their hands above their head and drop the calmer tone they were just using, returning to their preferred method of shouting. “And you shouldn’t crabbing lie about that!!” they insist. “We wouldn’t ask you how you were if we didn’t wanna know the truth!!”
You… don’t have a reply. Not a good one, anyways. Not one you could turn Bonnie Safe quick enough.
So instead you just hum a bit shakily. “When you’re right, you’re right, starbit,” you laugh weakly. “I-I, um…” you try, only to immediately falter.
Ugh, think, idiot! What would a smart, compassionate and loving adult say to the little kid that just saw through them like a thin sheet of paper?
“I’m… sorry,” you settle on with a small, guilty sigh.
“It’s okay!!” Bonnie quickly reassures, “Just try not to do it again, okay??”
You give your most earnest looking smile to them and hum, carefully tiptoeing around actually verbally agreeing. You couldn’t very well tell them that there was no Universe given way you were actually going to be able to keep a promise like that. It would happen again eventually, you knew it would, so you decide to just let them be disappointed in you then and save everyone the trouble for now.
You feel a deep, permeating pang of shame wash throughout you as they look at you with a big, toothy grin. “Okay!!” they giggle, giving you a thumbs up. “Good!!”
“Good indeed!” Isabeau echoes, shocking you and forcing you to play off your sudden inward jolt as the beginnings of a stretch. You had nearly forgotten he was even here!
You push your back out and hold it like that for a few seconds, hoping it came off as natural. With that done, you take a deep breath before clearing your throat. The three people present turn to you expectantly.
Time to see if you could say the right thing for once in your starforsaken life.
“I’m… okay,” you start carefully, only to quickly rush out and clarify, “For right now. I’m okay for right now.” You let a beat pass, making sure no one will interrupt you, before continuing. “I think I’ll be able to manage until we can have that dumb Adult Talk as you so put it,” you smile at Bonnie. They smile back. You feel warm knowing you’re the cause of it. “So don’t worry your cute little head about me, ‘kay?”
“Okay!!” the kid beams, sounding pleased with your answer.
You let out a small breath, shutting your eyes lightly. Good grief. That was quite a mindfield you just had to navigate, but at least it was over now, you think.
A few blissful seconds of silence pass and leave you feeling safe in your assumption. You feel a tiny, worn smile make its way on your face. Thank the stars.
You are decidedly nowhere near prepared for what Bonnie decides to ask next.
“So anyways,” they start, sounding like they’re completely over everything else that just happened, “why do you have Frin’s head now, Loop?”
Your eyes shoot open and your smile pulls at your face so tautly you think you probably look deranged. You can feel yourself twitch with an exuberant amount of nerves.
“Yes, that is the quadrillion silver piece question, isn’t it?” you titter, crossing your arms and keeping your eyes trained on the floor in front of you. You elect to tuck your hands in flat, completely unwilling to pull a repeat of earlier in front of Bonnie. “That is indeed the question,” you repeat, shaking your head with a breathy laugh.
“U-um,” Isabeau stammers, “Bonbon, maybe this one should wait until after we’ve had our Adult Talk…?” He sounds tense as he suggests it, clearly understanding the weight of the situation.
“Aww, but I wanna know now!!” Bonnie pouts, crossing their own arms. “Can I at least get a hint or something?” they try.
“A hint…” the fighter chuckles lightly, incredulous. He too has his arms crossed, hands squeezing his arms and betraying his true worried feelings. “I… don’t think that’s how that works, Bon.”
The preteen groans deeply, but fortunately, blessedly, does not push any further. “Ugh. Fine.” They drop their arms and point at you. “But you have to tell me as soon as you feel better, okay!!” It’s not a question.
You give them a smile, hoping it doesn’t look nearly as strained as it feels.
“Of course, starbit~!” you answer sweetly. “You can even hold me to it,” you add with a wink, immediately regretting the words the second they’re done spilling out of your mouth.
Bonnie is of course none the wiser, and they stand with the force of the cheer they let out. “CRAB YEAH!!”
Isabeau is laughing at them, but you can hear the undercurrent of unease in it.
You choose not to comment on it, discomfort burrowing its way deep into your chest. Instead, you move your eyes to gaze at Siffrin.
The rogue has his head dipped in a way that makes you think he longs to disappear into his cloak.
You strongly understand the sentiment.
His hands are gripping roughly at the chair underneath him and he’s rocking somewhat, a quick and tight movement that you can only really catch due to the way his feet touch and leave the ground ever so slightly with each back and forth. You can’t see his good eye from this side, but you can tell from the way his lip curls tightly that the overall expression he’s putting on is probably forced.
You stare at him for a short while as Bonnie begins to lug some of the bags you saw Isabeau bring in earlier to the kitchen. They converse with the fighter, but you ignore whatever the two are talking about in favor of watching your stardust.
They would worry a hole into the floor at this point, if they somehow managed not to explode from the anxiety you can feel pouring off of them in buckets first.
You couldn’t have that. You had to do something.
So, steeling yourself, you close your eyes and take a deep breath in… and—
The sound your stomach makes could almost be considered vulgar. The other three in the room are all quick to pause what they’re doing and turn towards the source of the expletive.
You didn’t need any help whatsoever to tell your face was deeply shaded with humiliation.
“Loop?” the fighter chuckles, and you push your hands into your face as he continues, “Was that you?”
“Idon’twannatalkaboutit,” you squeak, too embarrassed to care about keeping up your normal unbothered appearance. Stars above, you were going to die if anyone else said something more about it. Even Siffrin’s sudden burst of weirdly manic laughter isn’t enough to make you put up a fight, and you begin to curl into a ball in your chair with a quiet whine.
“I’m—I’m so sorry, Loop!” he barely manages. “I completely forgot!”
“What?” Bonnie demands, abandoning the ingredients they were putting away in favor or returning to the circle of chairs. “What’s happening? What’d you forget, Frin?”
You pray to the Universe and whatever else is listening that Siffrin does not put you on blast.
“I—we were—” he struggles, still in the midst of his little laughing fit.
“Hey, hey,” you hear Isabeau laugh softly himself, “Catch your breath first, Sif.”
You can hear Siffrin struggle a bit to calm down enough to be able to do his little breathing thing. He manages to catch it eventually though, and it’s not long before he lets out that final sigh that you know signifies the ritual’s completion.
“Sorry,” they say quietly, but you can hear the smile they have on their face. “I’m good, I’m good. But, since we, um… had to have that little talk,” he starts, unknowingly making you very self conscious about the whole ordeal again, “I forgot to tell you! Bonbon, Loop can eat now!!”
A gasp that sounds almost painful erupts from Bonnie and you pull your hands down a little. You could worry about everything that just happened more later. You were much more excited to see their reaction, and it does not disappoint.
The chef’s eyes are absolutely sparkling. Their mouth forms a large ‘o’ shape, and for a moment, they are completely still, hands splayed out at their side.
And then, all at once, they start absolutely vibrating.
“LOOP,” they say, voice loud and affect flat, the way they often got when they were so thrilled about something it’s like they lost the ability to use emotion, “I’M GONNA COOK FOR YOU. RIGHT NOW. OKAY.”
You haven’t seen this side of them in quite some time.
You… You missed it. You really, really missed it.
You have to fight back tears for some reason as you laugh breathily, removing your hands from your face entirely. “Okay!” you remember to reply after a second. “I look forward to it!”
“YES,” Bonnie nods, bouncing a little in place with hands thrown over their head. “WHAT DO YOU WANT.”
Eyes crinkling, you smile gingerly at the kid. “Anything you wanna make, Bonster~!” you reply easily.
“ON IT,” the little chef announces, turning on their heel and rushing back into the kitchen. “I’M MAKIN’ YOU VEGGIES. OKAY.”
“Okay!” you giggle.
“OKAY.” Bonnie promptly begins pulling out this, that and the third. Pots and pans and, as previously mentioned, veggies, all quickly overtake the kitchen counter. “IT’S—”
“Breathe, Bonbon,” Isabeau cuts them off, a laugh in his voice. “Just like Sif does it.”
The kid slows themself to a stop and places the things they're holding down so that they can bring their hands to their chest. Once there, they close their eyes and take an exaggerated breath and hold it for a few seconds before letting it out. They do that twice more, and then a few more times after that in a more natural way. Finally, they blink their eyes open with a huge smile and give a thumbs up.
“Okay!!” they beam. “I’m better now!! Loop!!” They turn to you. “I’m gonna make you the best veggie skewers in the whole crabbing world!!!”
You clap your hands once, twice, and leave them clasped as you bring them to your cheek and lean into them. “I’m sure you will~!” you grin happily.
Bonnie giggles with excitement and turns back to the task they have at hand. You watch them fondly, something pulling at your chest in a way that you didn’t think you’d ever feel again.
You are suddenly thrusted into the memory of the moment Bonnie hugged you for the first time in what had felt like forever, right after your small bout of training. It wasn’t the longest thing in the world, and you were left wanting more, but even after it was over you couldn't ignore the way affection bloomed in your heart. You remember wanting to keep that feeling with you for the rest of your life at first.
And then you had gone through the motions of training them again and again and again. With each time that Bonnie had hugged you at the end of it, some of that warmth fizzled out. It was just them doing what you had made them do, after all. There was nothing real behind it, not anymore.
By the time you were resolute in your plan of killing the King by your lonesome, that tender feeling you had felt was long gone from your mind.
But now, as Bonnie prepares something for you to eat, the spark lights anew.
Maybe you have never trained with this Bonnie, and maybe you never will. Maybe they will never hug you like they did when they recognized you as family. Maybe you will never get that specific bond with them back.
But…
Maybe, just maybe, if you could still feel like this even without that history…
You close your eyes and take a deep breath in… and out.
Maybe that was okay.
end a/n: mfw things are different now, will only ever be different from now on, but maybe thats okay <3
wc: 3,389
uploaded 6/8/24
a/n:
chapter warnings:
- loop gets a little... scathing with their words and thought processes in this one. nothing too descriptive but i felt like i should say something regardless jic
i actually think thats it but if you can think of something else i should add lmk!! ^^
Your breath is heavy, wary. Your hands have a firm grip on the wood, tight enough to splinter. You think they’re shaking a bit too, but you’re so lost in the slightly charred smell that is now mere inches away from your nose that you can’t quite tell.
You swallow roughly, open your mouth, and close in on your prey.
Crunch!
Your eyes widen and you can feel your whole face absolutely light up. There might even be twinkles filtering in your irises.
“Mmph!!” you exclaim with fastened lips, quickly finishing your bite so you can talk properly. “Bonnie!!!” you gasp, “This is spectacular!!!”
In front of you, the small chef’s demeanor quickly changes from worried and apprehensive to open and proud.
“Heh!!” they grin toothily, crossing their arms, “A’course it is!! ‘Cause I made it and I’m the best crabbing cooker in the world!!!”
You giggle a little. You know for a fact if Odile were here, she would swiftly correct them, and they would probably repeat themself with the same exact cadence, mending their words along the way.
But, she’s not here, and you know neither of the two dummies also at the table right now plan on picking up the slack. And you’re definitely not about to say anything, so Bonnie remains a cooker for another day longer.
Not that you really care about their linguistic prowess one way or another right now. You’ve got an entire veggie skewer left to devour, after all!!
“You are!!” you smile brightly at them before biting into the pepper you had started with again. You manage to gobble up the rest of it in a few swift bites. Oh, it’s so good. You forgot what eating felt like!! You missed it!!
You can feel the other two adults looking at you with some sort of emotion, but you find you don’t care. You are absolutely ravenous and if you don’t devote the next few minutes to this skewer and this skewer alone you’ll die.
Crunch, munch, chew, chew, snuffle, chomp!
Before you know it, the food is all gone and you are holding nothing more than an elongated toothpick. You place it down gently on the plate you were hovering over this whole time and look at Bonnie happily.
“Starbit, that was to die for!!” you commend with a few soft claps. Bonnie puffs up proudly in front of you again as your tail wags with delight behind you. Not even a beat passes before you hear Siffrin chuckle a bit from where he sits next to you.
“Cute,” you think you hear him whisper under his breath, but you’re not entirely sure. Normally, you're sure you wouldn’t care enough to consider it any further. But, after that positively delicious meal, you find you’re filled with copious amounts of energy that fuel your curiosity to no end.
So, you turn to him, an inquisitive, easy smile on your face. “What’s up, buttercup?” falls out of your mouth without your explicit say so, surprising you a bit. You didn’t think you had that much pep in your step.
A bit of worry pricks at you. You really hope Siffrin won’t mind the sudden epithet. It’s not exactly unlike you to drop cutesy little words and phrases or anything, but you’re nervous that the light, airy way you had said it was… off somehow.
You don’t get much time to dwell luckily, as Siffrin giggles at you a second later.
“Buttercup?” he asks, bemused. “That’s a new one.”
“It is,” you nod, swallowing your fears in order to keep your tone breezy, “Have you a problem with it?”
Siffrin simply shrugs. “No, not particularly,” they say with a small smile.
You hum softly in response. Truly, you’re much more fond of your own personal nickname for the rogue, but hey. It’d be something to add to your repertoire, you suppose. Something much more innocent and less encumbered by the many undertones of your current one.
“Alright, well,” you press onward, “What was that you just said?”
Siffrin’s smile turns wry. “You expect me to remember something?” he asks, tone teasing.
You pout and blow a raspberry. This is decidedly not as impressive as it used to be, but you don’t really want to think about your old star head, so you let the thought drop in favor of poking back at your stardust.
“Is that supposed to be a yes?” he giggles, taking a second turn before you.
You groan playfully and roll your eyes. “Not particularly, no,” you retort. “But considering it was mere seconds ago, I had some hope, yes.”
Siffrin laughs. “Sorry to burst your bubble Loop, but you know my memory’s like swiss cheese.” He gets that stupid look on his face that you know means he’s about to say an awful joke, but you’re nowhere near fast enough to try and stop him. “Not very gouda at all,” he winks.
Both you and Bonnie groan loudly in anguish, but even with the combined force, you’re no match for Isabeau’s uproarious barks of laughter.
“YES!!!” he bellows, holding up a hand. Siffrin completes the high five with a hearty slap and happily laughs along with the fighter.
“TERRIBLE,” Bonnie shouts flatly, “BAD. AWFUL. TERRIBLE.”
Siffrin sticks his tongue out and proceeds to dig himself even deeper. “Cheese Louise!” he starts, clearly having more.
“NO,” Bonnie frowns, “STOP.”
He does not.
“Aw, c’mon, Bonbon!” he continues, “Take it cheesy!”
The chef screeches and scurries around the table to reach him, pounding at him with small fists the second they’re close enough. “YOU’RE NOT EVEN USING ANY OTHER WORDS BESIDES CHEESE NOW, YOU CRAB!!!” they scream.
To his credit, Siffrin takes his licks diligently, laughing loudly all the while. “Okay, okay!” he breathes, “I guess I cheddar just brie grateful the only ones feta’d up right now are you two!”
Isabeau absolutely howls with laughter, leaving you and Bonnie as the only sane ones around here. “YES, YES, YES!!!!” he cheers, pounding the table with each one. “Four in one sentence!!! That’s gotta be a record for you, Sif!!!”
The rogue beams, cheeks dusting lightly. “I think I hit six once actually,” he smirks.
Bonnie slumps against his side with a final groan, seemingly worn from attacking him. “THE WORST,” they lament, a little muffled now that their face is pressing into his arm.
The energy at the table is high and you are so caught in its current that you don’t notice the door opening until there’s two new additions in the doorway,
“Did we miss something?” Mirabelle giggles, walking in. Odile trails in after, the hints of something fond on her face.
“It sounded like an awful time,” she says dryly, but not dry enough that you can’t hear the affection in it.
Bonnie pries themself off of Siffrin, eyes alight. “BELLE!! DILE!!” they gasp happily before rounding back on the rogue again, “FRIN JUST SAID THE WORST SENTENCE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!”
Isabeau lets out another loud laugh. “I’ve definitely heard worse,” he says playfully.
“I haven’t,” you smirk without thinking, just wanting to contribute to the conversation. You somehow forgot that doing as such would (obviously) draw attention to you.
Mirabelle and Odile turn your way and you can immediately feel your grin start to slip. You fight it though, forcing it wider as you silently wave at them with your fingers.
You pray you seem calm, cool, collected and welcoming, as you certainly don’t feel any of the sort.
Mirabelle does her best not to stare, blinking after a prolonged look. She moves the few bags she was holding to one hand and waves back with the other. “Hi, Loop!!” she greets brightly, even though you can hear the apprehension hiding within it, “You look like you’re feeling better!!”
“That you do,” Odile says in lieu of a proper greeting. She looks over you, eyes squinting.
Resisting the urge to shrink under her sharp gaze proves difficult, but somehow, you manage.
“I’m feeling quite well right now, yes,” you say, expecting to feel the familiar repulsive sensation that normally fills you when you lie about your feelings, but…
Odile completely loses your attention as you perform a bit of introspection.
You… You actually did feel pretty good right now. The realization surprises you more than you think it should, considering you were just having such a nice time before the two women entered. The wonderful food in tandem with the liveliness of the other three was giving you an ambient glow of what you could only describe as pure peace. Mirabelle and Odile had challenged that air yes, but it wasn’t completely gone. Not yet.
You suddenly feel a deep, desperate desire to bottle this feeling and cork it before it escapes your grasp forever. You don’t want to lose it. Even if it’s not as potent as it was mere moments ago, all you can think about is the fact that you don’t want to lose it.
“CRAB YEAH!!” Bonnie shouts, startling you out of your thoughts. They’re hopping in place excitedly, arms thrown up as they tend to be. “I’ll tell you all about it when I get back, okay Frin?”
As Siffrin nods in front of them, you take the time to reassess your surroundings. While Isabeau still sits on the other side of the table, Mirabelle and Odile have since moved. The former is standing in front of Bonnie and smiling softly at them whilst the latter has all but disappeared. Where did she…?
“Okay!!” Bonnie grins, grabbing your attention again as they rush over to the front door, “I’m gonna go now!!”
“Make sure you get a good seat!” Isabeau waves brightly.
“And be safe!!” Mirabelle adds.
“I will!!” Bonnie replies with vigor. They get to the door and stop just short of opening it, turning back to everyone. “Oh right!” they gasp, “Loop!!”
You blink, surprised. “Me?” you ask, tilting your head and pulling a hand to rest on your chest.
“Yeah!!” Bonnie nods. “You better feel better by the time I get back, okay?” They point at you as they continue. “I still wanna know why you got Frin’s head now!!”
Ah… Right, right. You had promised them you’d explain your peculiar look once you all had that dreadful talk, didn’t you?
You try your best to smile in a way you hope is quantifiable as cute and honest. “Of course, starbit,” you say a lot weaker than you wanted to. You’re quick to clear your throat, trying to play it off, before waving at them. “Go and have some fun now, okay~?” You wink for good measure, praying that you were reading the context clues of what was going on correctly.
Bonnie pumps their fists in the air. “I will!!!” They turn back around and throw the door open before letting out a quick, “Bye!!” and just like that, they’re gone.
You stare after them, a little discombobulated.
The room suddenly feels colder somehow, like the little kid had just bunched up all the warmth that was filling it and took it with them. You absently cross your arms while biting back a shiver, squeezing lightly.
“Loop?” Mirabelle calls, making you jerk your head towards her. She flinches immediately, and you become aware you’re glaring at her. Oops.
You quickly fix your face with a smile, forcing the rest of your features to neutralize. “Yes, starbit~?” you ask, feeling your grip tighten with the effort of sounding normal, “What can I do for you~?”
Mirabelle clasps her hands together in front of her, worries her lip and flits her gaze around, seemingly unwilling to meet yours. If you still had a star for a head, you think you’d feel some type of way about it, but… It doesn’t really surprise you that she didn’t want to now. After all, you’re sure it must be pretty weird to hear your annoyingly shrill voice scrape its way out of your throat only to then see it come out of some simulacrum of her dear friend’s face.
“U-um…” she tries after a moment, finally looking your way proper, “Well, um…” She lets the words hang for a moment, a disparaging look on her face. You raise an eyebrow at her. She anxiously twitches for a little longer before seeming to give up, closing her eyes and sighing heavily. She takes a deep breath, holds it, and releases it, opening her eyes again. Now there is a stern determination etched into her features.
You do your best to keep your face even and untroubled. This was Serious Mira now. You didn’t know what was going to come out of her mouth next, but you knew she was going to say it and mean it with all her heart.
“Loop,” she starts, and you force yourself to give a small smile, showing your attentiveness. “...How are you?”
You dumbly allow a few beats to pass before blinking. Was… that it?
“How am I…?” you echo, confused. Didn’t you already say you were fine when she walked in a bit ago?
“Yes,” the housemaiden nods briskly, expression pulling in that cute way it does when she was trying to be stern. “How are you.” It’s less of a question and more of a demand.
Something in you clicks, and you give her a disgustingly sweet smile while pushing your arms forward to rest on the table.
You are now aware that you are being expected to talk openly and honestly about your feelings, and you loathe it. Weren’t you supposed to have that stupid Adult Talk soon anyways? You’d be doing it then, so why do it now? And, moreover, what gave her the right to try and question you—to interrogate you? Who did she think she was? Did she know who she was talking to?
(No, some distant, betraying part of you points out helpfully, No, she doesn’t.
You strangle the thought with your bare hands and suffocate it until it dies.)
“How~ am~ I~?” you ask, voice dripping with uncontained malice, “I do wonder,” you giggle, retracting your hands from your arms to cross under your chin and prop your head up on the table, “I do wonder indeed.”
Mirabelle’s resolve crumbles immediately, her whole body twisting with unease. You feel a stab of cold satisfaction pierce your chest.
“U-um…” she stammers, once again unable to look at you. “Um……”
You’re so busy soaking up the fruits of your labor, you don’t hear Odile’s door open or close, you just notice her suddenly enter frame stage right.
You don’t turn to her, keeping your leering gaze trained on the housemaiden, but you can see her move her head around out of the corner of your bad eye. She must be taking in the scene.
After a second of just standing around, she calmly and simply says, “Mirabelle,” which promptly causes the woman to startle over dramatically.
“M’DAME!!!!” she cries, trembling hands splayed out at her side, “I!!! DIDN’T SEE YOU LEAVE YOUR ROOM!!!”
“Evidently,” she huffs, but you can tell she’s just teasing. Gross. “What’s happening here?”
“Um…!!!” Mirabelle struggles, looking between you and the researcher. “I, um…!!!”
You groan heavily, bored with this now, and let yourself slump forward before spinning in your chair so you can properly peer at the old woman.
She raises an eyebrow and turns to you. “Yes, Loop? Is there something you’d like to say?”
You roll your eyes. “The Housemaiden simply asked me how I was,” you inform helpfully. Helpful, helpful Loop. “I don’t know why she’s being so cagey about it.”
Odile hums, replacing her eyebrow and giving you a flat look. “And your response?” she asks levelly.
You squint at her. You were much more fond of the hidden chess games you played with your stardust. You didn’t particularly feel like humoring her skepticism right now.
So, you force a smile on your face that you know is much too rigid to come off as genuine before speaking.
“Well,” you start, a light, artificial chuckle in your voice, “I didn’t really get the chance to answer her, did I? Not with someone barging in and scaring the poor thing stiff.”
The researcher stares at you, face pinched with… something. You can’t tell if it’s disgust or contempt or just plain hatred, but you don’t like it, whatever it is.
You hold her gaze, seething. Your face hurts with the force of your smile.
Finally, after what feels like hours, she lets her eyes close with a sigh. “Yes, I suppose that would make it difficult to reply,” she relents, making you almost dizzy with joy. You’re absolutely ecstatic that you managed to reach checkmate without losing any pieces.
“It would, yes,” you nod cutely. “Ever so glad we reached the same conclusion.”
Odile does not acknowledge your retort, instead pivoting on her heel and walking back to her room. You stare at the spot she used to occupy, scowling.
Siffrin suddenly enters your vision and you blink, caught off guard.
“Stardust?” you question lightly, face softening. They had a deeply worried look fixed on their face. “What’s wrong?”
The rogue’s eyebrows knit together further with concern and it makes you pout sadly. Why did he look so upset?
“Loop…” they mumble. “That…” they trail off immediately, only to quickly shake their head and try again, “You didn’t have to be so… impolite,” he seems to settle on.
You scoff. “Whatever do you mean?”
“Well…” the fighter speaks, and you snap your head towards him with a dangerous look in your eyes. He jolts (and you revel in the powerful feeling it gives you) but pushes on anyways for some reason. “I-I was just gonna say!! You…” His arms cross and his face grows one part thoughtful, one part hesitant. “Not for nothing? You were kinda mean just now!!” He ends his admonishment with a breath of a laugh, unknowingly filling you with a deep, deep rage.
You stare at him, fury overtaking your very being. You think you shake with it, even. You’re sure if looks could kill, yours would have eviscerated him on the spot.
He looks back and doesn’t so much as flinch.
You feel something incredibly deplorable tug at your mind.
A loud clearing of the throat startles you out of it before you’re able to truly do something you think you’d eventually come to regret.
You turn to the source of noise, as does everyone else. Once again inhabiting the place where she was before unceremoniously deciding to leave, Odile stands with a large book in her arms.
“The play Boniface has gone to see will not be there to keep their attention forever,” she says, ambling over to take a seat next to Isabeau’s left. She exhales softly as she does, gently balancing the spine of her book on the edge of the table and producing a pencil shortly after. “Mirabelle,” she calls, causing the girl to jump.
“Y-yes??” she stutters.
“Sit,” the researcher instructs, pointing at the other side of Isabeau with her writing utensil.
“Um!! Okay!!” Mirabelle quickly moves to take her seat, looking at Odile once comfortable. “Um…” she mumbles, pulling a thumb to her mouth and blowing at it, “Is it?? Time??”
…Time?
Odile nods simply and turns to you, eyes sharp.
You narrow yours, unwilling to be upstaged.
“Loop,” she starts, voice flat.
“Yes?” you ask, feeling that reliable, infuriated grin pull at your lips again.
Odile does not react, instead continuing on steadily. “I’m sure by now you are aware of the position you find yourself in.”
“No,” you answer, smile dropping. “I don’t. Enlighten me, Researcher.”
“Very well,” she nods slightly, flipping through her book a bit. She settles on a page sooner rather than later and then looks at you again.
You cannot read her expression, and it makes you want to break things.
“Last night, when we came to check on you after hearing worrisome noises come from your room, you had, for seemingly no reason, suddenly taken on Siffrin’s appearance.” She glances to your left, where the rogue sits next to you. “You were quickly consoled by them, leaving you unable to speak for yourself. In your stead, Siffrin agreed that we would discuss things once Boniface was no longer present.”
“Did he now.” It’s not meant to be a question. You remember the way Odile had hissed in your direction last night quite well.
“He did,” Odile responds anyways, “And, though I doubt you need to be reminded, we are currently one preteen short.” She looks down at her book and you have to fight the strong urge to grab it, tear it to pieces and then burn it on the stove. Your hands claw at your knees, trembling with rage. “So.” Her steely eyes meet your fiery ones, and you think you are about to pop with the copious amount of indignation that flows throughout you. “Let us talk, Loop.”
“Fine,” you growl. “Let’s. Talk.”
end a/n: i PROMMY theyre gonna talk next chapter. i Prommy. sorry i love to push and pull scenes for as long as i possibly can <3
wc: 3,191
uploaded 6/12/24
a/n: sorry for the wait this chapter beat my ass fsr <3
chapter warnings:
- loop can be so mean :( also they have extremely violent intrusive thoughts about killing and maiming but yknow #WeStaySilly ^q^
- they self harm via hair pulling & scratching/squeezing. i realized that technically it isnt scratching today? but like. the idea of it. is. Do you understand
- they also have a panic attack (?) Guys im so bad at summarizing my own writing im so sorry
- (regina george voice) someone gets hurt ^^ )b
if u can think of anything else for me to add please lmk!!
The researcher has a list.
Of course she has a list.
“To make this go by as smoothly as possible,” she had said.
Ah yes, yes. Because you of course loved to make things as bumpy and difficult to traverse as humanly possible. Of course, of course.
The old timer has her palm upturned as she addresses everybody. “The thing we should focus on first and foremost seems obvious enough, but allow me to announce it anyways.”
She rakes her icy gaze over everyone, almost daring somebody to interrupt her. She lands on you last and stays there, practically throwing an extra challenge your way.
No one says anything, of course. Not even you. Contrary to what appeared to be popular belief, you knew how to pick your battles.
Seemingly satisfied with the silence, the researcher hums and continues.
“I’ll simply be blunt.” She pulls her writing hand down to her book. “Loop. Can you enlighten us as to why exactly you look like Siffrin now?”
Ugh. She wasn’t kidding. That really was pretty much as blunt as she could have been.
You roll your eyes and cross your arms. “A reason,” you answer airily. If she wanted to insinuate you enjoyed making things arduous for no reason, who were you not to play your given part?
Nobody is impressed with your answer, though. They all simply stare at you expectantly.
You already hate this.
“Loop…” your stardust mumbles beside you. You don’t look at him. “You promised we were gonna be honest with everyone.” You’d have to be deaf not to hear the disappointment flowing through his voice. You do your best to pretend like it doesn’t feel like being doused with a vat of freezing cold water.
“I am well aware of what I said,” you reassure with a scowl. You still don’t turn his way. “And I am being truthful. I look like you for a reason, do I not?”
The fighter lets out a small, annoying chuckle. “Yeah, but… We kind of already pieced that much together ourselves?” he says. You once again picture your gaze having the power to assassinate with the proper look. You should have wished for laser eyes.
“You!! Don’t have to tell us everything if that’s too much!!” The housemaiden offers. How disgustingly kind of her, as usual. “We just…” She looks away with creased eyebrows, a shoulder raising. “We don’t really know anything right now?? Besides the fact that!! Well…!!” She doesn’t elaborate, but it’s not like she needs to. The implication is obvious. She turns back to you with a smile and clasped hands. “So just one little thing would be a great place to start!!”
You sneer and do not return the cheeriness whatsoever.
“One little thing,” you repeat, voice mocking the original cadence. The housemaiden’s expression falls, but you press on regardless. “That’s all? I tell you all one little thing and we can end this starforsaken interrogation?” You want a confirmation first, before actually saying anything. Maybe you could still get out of this with some humility intact.
“No,” the researcher answers immediately. “I still have a few points we need to cover. I then plan on opening the floor so anyone else with questions can get a turn.” A smug smile covers her face as she points to you, palm upturned. “Then and only then will you be free from this interrogation, as you so put it.”
Ugh. So much for that.
Plan B, then.
“Fine,” you grumble. “At least humor me then, O great Researcher.” You point at her, mimicking the way she did as such a second ago, palm upturned. “What else resides on your wonderful little torture agenda? Won’t you tell me?”
The old woman rolls her eyes, but relents.
“Fine,” she sighs. “I can allow you to know the rest of my itinerary in advance if it will move this along.” She turns back to her book, dragging a pencil down the page as she prattles off, “One, of course, is why you look like Siffrin. Which you have yet to answer, as it still stands.” She cuts a look at you, but you don’t react. She continues. “Two, who you really are.” …What? “Three—”
“Stop,” you command. She does, but the look she sends your way as she does so fills you with anger. She just implied something that you really weren’t fond of, and she had the audacity to be annoyed with you? “What in the Universe do you mean, who I really am?” You let out a quick, breathy laugh and wrench your gaze away from her. Your hands squeeze irritably where they rest on your arms. “I’m Loop. That’s all I am. That’s all I’ve ever been.”
You hear the scholar hum. “Is that so?”
All of a sudden you feel ill. You know that tone. She only used it when she was about to catch on to you in one way or another. Mainly about the loops, but other smaller things too. It was always present when her dumb, stupid brain was effectively and successfully bigger than yours.
You hated that tone.
“Yes,” you hiss, letting your emotion overtake you and giving the woman more evidence like an idiot. “Even if I wasn’t, what’s it to you?”
The elder squints her eyes at you. It is filled with a deep seated rage, and you think you have made a mistake.
“I will never retract my thanks for your help in assisting us through the House. However.” She leans forward a bit. You rear back a lot. “I care for the people surrounding you more than you may be cognizant of. Especially Boniface, even though they are currently absent.” You’d laugh if you didn’t know exactly where this was going. “I would do anything to protect them all. Horrible things, to be honest. So long as I could be sure they would all remain safe.” You feel nauseous. “So, as I was outvoted when making the decision to bring you along with us—” Outvoted? “it is of great importance to me that I make sure you are not dangerous. I originally considered your word to go quite a ways because of your actions thus far, but with this display you’re putting on right now?” She scoffs. You feel as if obscene amounts of physical damage have just been done to you. “Well. Let’s just say I am currently in the process of revisiting that previous notion. And though you may not know me very well—” If only that were true. “I can tell you with the utmost certainty that I say this without a modicum of triviality.”
The researcher leans back in her chair again, leaving you feeling ravaged and hollow.
You can’t reply. How could you? What would you even say? I already know all of this? I probably know you better than you know yourself? I’m the bad, awful, terrible and outdated version of everyone’s favorite rogue and used to be a part of those people you would harm for, but now I guess I’m one of the people you’re hurting instead?
You couldn’t. You couldn’t, you couldn’t, you couldn’t.
So instead, you lid your eyes ruefully and stare at her with unbridled hatred.
“Just read the rest of the list,” you huff.
The way the fighter and housemaiden glance at each other, eyes filled with worry and apprehension, does not escape your notice. You smartly do not comment, though.
“Fine,” the woman who had just lambasted you spits, like the roles were reversed and you had just berated her or something. She seems to catch herself though, and takes a single breath before starting again. “Fine.” Just like that, it’s like she never had an ounce of malice in her to begin with. “I will continue.”
You close your eyes wearily and push out a hand to prompt her further with a weak shooing motion.
The room is suffocatingly quiet for a second. You feel like screaming. But you don’t.
Your patience is rewarded before long, so you decide that keeping your mouth clamped shut was the right choice.
“Three,” the researcher starts once more, finally disrupting the silence, “is what you intend to do as a member of this party. For this party. And lastly, four, is what your goal on this journey is. That is all.” She’s quiet for a second, but hums after. “That’s everything I consider important to tackle today, at least.”
Oh great. She had more. Wonderful.
You take an achingly deep breath, hold it, and open your eyes as you let it go.
“Wowza,” you chuckle. “Really came for my life right out the gate with those first ones, huh?” You can tell your smile is strained. “How mean of you, M’dame.”
The woman rolls her eyes, but otherwise does not comment. You kind of wish she would.
But, if she won’t play ball, it looks like it’s up to you to get this rolling.
You sigh opulently and release your hold on your arms, deciding to let your hands fall over each other on the table. “Whatever. It’s not like I have to go in order.” You throw a smirk her way, daring her to oppose you. She does not. You feel the hot flame of satisfaction flick over you as you continue. “So, let’s go backwards, shall we? A countdown of sorts? Besides,” you grin, the feeling of now being in control of the situation making you giddy enough to joke around, “a great actor always saves their peak performance for the final act.”
Out of the corner of your eye you can see your stardust frown deeply. You try not to let it affect you.
“So…” the fighter speaks for the first time in a while, “Does that mean you’re gonna tell us what you want out of our journey first?”
You nod. “Good job keeping up, bruiser.” You can feel your gaze grow sardonic. “Does the good boy want a treat for such a good job~?”
“MMPH—!?” the brute gasps, one hand gripping his arm while the other quickly moves to cover up his mouth. He looks beyond flustered, face flushed a deep shade and unable to look your way, and you delight in the superior feeling it fills you with.
“Loop!” your stardust yelps, cutting your celebration short. “Why did you say that!!”
You look over at him lazily. His face is almost darker than the fighter’s. You want to laugh. So you do.
“Don’t laugh at me!!!” they squeak, trying and failing to hide their face in the cloak that still resides in a heap on the floor in your room. They fiddle with their hands nervously.
“I am ever so sorry, Stardust,” you pout phonily, pushing yourself forward enough to elbow the table’s surface and prop your head up on your hands. “Would you like a treat too~?” you wink, needling them in part because it’s always fun to do, but also so you can buy more time to consider the question at hand.
You didn’t really… have a real reason to be here, honestly. After the loops had ended, you were prepared to all but disappear from this mortal coil and move onto the next. And yet here you were, having this horrendous talk, all because someone couldn’t just let you fade away in peace.
A part of you feels like you should be grateful. The rest of you does not.
“U-um…” you manage to catch over the sound of pure embarrassment your stardust is emanating. You turn to the source, which of course is the housemaiden. She looks like she’s fighting back some giggles and you can feel your face loosen just a bit. If she was laughing that meant you were putting on a good show, didn’t it? You think that’s something to be proud of. Probably.
“Yes?” you ask her, voice curious and a twinge lighter than it had been up until now. What did the captivated audience member want?
“W-well… While this is really funny,” she starts, only for the fighter to cut her off with a wail.
“TRAITOR???” he accuses, face pulled down with despair and fingers working at the open air in front of him.
You ignore him in favor of your lovely beholden fan.
She laughs openly before pressing on. “As I was saying!!” she grins in a way that makes you proud to be at least tangentially part of the reason she’s making it, “Like Madame Odile said, we don’t know how long Bonnie’s play is. So, if we’re going to save the biggest answer for last, shouldn’t we take care not to get distracted on the smaller ones?” She looks at you, a hopeful look on her face.
You stare flatly at her in return, though you can feel disdain nip at the expression.
Fine. You didn’t think you’d be finding a better answer with more time anyways, so why draw this out any longer than strictly necessary?
“I don’t have any sort of agenda,” you explain with an even voice, sitting back and crossing your arms again. “I am a victim of pure happenstance. Someone simply offered me the chance to come along and I graciously accepted. And now I’m here. Nothing more, nothing less.” You glance at the rogue next to you, inviting them into the response. “Isn’t that right, Stardust?”
He flinches as you refer to him. You’re not too sure why, though. His face had been cleared of that wretched blush by now, and he had seemed calmish right before you addressed him, so? What gives? Was your tone too tight?
“Y-yes,” they cough after a beat. “Um. Yes. That’s what happened.”
You smile and turn back to the congregation in front of you. “See? Even my little Stardust agrees. So, there’s your answer.” You see the housemaiden open her mouth, most likely to question you further, but you beat her to the punch. “Ah, ah,” you tut, wagging a finger at her. “No extra inquiries until we’ve hit the finale, m'kay?”
She shrinks back a bit as she closes her mouth, and then gives you a nod of understanding.
“Wonderful, wonderful,” you smile. “Now, I do believe the next thing is~” Hold for effect… “What I can provide for the party?” You look at the old scholar, holding back as much scorn as you possibly can. “Isn’t that right, O Researcher?”
“Yes,” she replies simply. She doesn’t look amused.
Ugh. Whatever. Who needed her endorsement anyways?
“Well. That one is decidedly much easier to answer.” Though you’re sure you were rusty, you still had the same skillset as your stardust. Knowing how to hunt and gather didn’t just leave someone overnight, after all. “I am proficient in procuring wildlife for food purposes, flaying them properly for consumption, and harvesting and collecting any other miscellaneous things we may need.” With each point you put up a finger on the hand you had released from the confines of your arm. “I’m sure I could even do an odd job or two around towns now too, given I look much more—”
Your teeth click with how fast you shut your mouth.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Weren’t you supposed to be saving the big reveal for the end? And stars, were you really just going to say it like that??
You clear your throat. “Now that I am more presentable,” you finish properly. “That good enough of an answer for you?” You don’t actually wait for a reply, barreling onward. “Good. Now then.”
What was next again? You did your reason for being here and what they get out of keeping you around… You didn’t explain anything about your wish yet… So that just left…
Oh.
Stars.
You can feel something pull at your expression, but you’re not entirely sure what. It must coat your face entirely though, as the fighter speaks up soon after.
“Did you forget what’s next?” he prods, voice disgustingly light and tender. You wish you could strangle him.
“I already answered that question,” you grit out, looking away from him. Your hands both take their positions back at their posts on your arms and you squeeze and squeeze and squeeze until you feel the warmth and release of some sharp pain.
The strange ichor that now flows through you for whatever reason spills out just enough to calm you down. You sigh heavily and cover your disgusting tendency with your hand, praying no one will catch you and call you out on it before this is all over.
“You didn’t, really?” the man pushes on, completely oblivious to you indulging in your vice. His face scrunches in thought as he crosses his own arms. “You kind of danced around it, actually. And then you made M’dame tell you the rest of the list before anyone got the chance to ask you more?”
A saccharine smile splits its way across your face as things around you begin to fall away.
You sit and force yourself not to think about clawing the idiot in front of you to shreds. About his blood coating your holy, righteous, celestial fingers as his flesh gives way. About feeling his life force drain slowly, steadily, until he stilled for the last time and you had won—
“Loop?” crashes through your eardrums and reverberates within your skull and you have to use every last one of your wits about you not to screech with terror. One of your hands balls into a fist and flies to your chest while the other grabs one of your long side bangs and pulls. Sparks of pain shoot through your scalp and you struggle to catch your breath. Everything hurts. Nothing hurts enough. You want to hurt. You need to hurt.
You think your name is called again, but you’re lost in the hurricane that is your mind and everything is fuzzy so you screw your eyes shut and try and try and try to breathe but it’s just not working.
You don’t know how but you know everyone knows how disgusting you are now. You must have let your ugly thoughts spill out of your mouth and everyone heard you fantasize about killing their beloved friend. About imagining how good it would feel to overpower him and dig into his chest until you reached his heart and squeezed it until it popped. About clasping your hands around his ribs and snapping them one by one by one.
They all wanted you dead, dead, dead. You know it. You know it.
You can’t be here, you can’t be here, you can’t be here—
You hear noises as something pulls at your hand and tries to coax your grip to loosen on your hair. No, no, no, no—
“DON’T TOUCH ME!!!” you shriek, knowing it sounds weird but unable to tell why, “LET ME GO, LET ME GO, LET ME GO!!!”
You lash out, throwing out fists without thinking. The distinct feeling of Craft flits through the air and.
Someone cries out.
There’s a. Thump. Next to you. On the floor.
The whole Universe stills.
You. Open. Your. Eyes.
In front of you are the blurry figures of… some people. You can’t. You can’t remember who they are.
You turn to the floor.
Someone with half darkless half lightless hair is curled up there. They’re. Crying? You think they’re crying.
Why are they. Crying?
You feel bad. You don’t want them to cry.
You want to move. To sit down. Next to them. Help them. You have such a deep urge. To help them. But.
You feel.
So.
Slow.
Your body slumps. Youre in a chair? When did you ?
You cant think
everything is fading
you dont want to be awake anymore
you dont want t
end a/n: Oh did you think you were going to get this all in one neat little package? ooooopz :P
wc: 2,742
uploaded 6/25/24
a/n: i love you creative writing… i have so much fun making this and im so happy people like it so much!!! again, thank you ever so much for all your wonderful comments!!! i love them all so much they really do help drive me to make even more!!!
chapter warnings:
- suicidal idealation/thoughts. idk which is more correct so just both. fuck it
- something like a panic attack but like. not entirely ? Guys. I cant summarize. Im so sorry.
pleaseee lmk if you can think of anything else i shld mention!! ty!!
you wake up
something is
wrong
you dont know what but something is wrong wrong wrong
where are you ?
all of your limbs feel like lead
you try to push up anyways
it takes a couple seconds of just trying to force the thought to your body
but then
your arms buckle twice as you lift up, but you manage eventually.
you blink your eyes hard and look around the room as best as you can.
four walls, side table next to the bed you're currently on, carpeted floor, and a door. this is what you were currently working with.
okay. that wasn’t too bad. most rooms were known to have some of these things, you think. this is fine. this is work-with-able.
with a great amount of effort, you coerce your body into a sitting position. now you can get a better look at everything that was behind you, too.
You rub your eyes before scanning the other side of the room. Another door. A window on that same wall. And in the middle of those two points, some things sit in a pile. One of said things is easily recognizable, and though it takes you a second or two of staring at it, a memory about them comes flooding back almost instantly.
Too tight, too constrained, gotta get out, gotta get out, gotta get out—
…That’s right. That heap of fabric was none other than your hat and Siffrin’s clo—
Your eyes widen as you’re struck with the final moments you remember having before passing out.
Crying buzzes in your ears as if it were still lingering in the air. Now that you can hear it so clearly, it was more like a whine laced with hiccups rather than outright sobbing, but the sound was unmistakable either way. You can see it on your stardust less with the tears that are being shed and more with the rest of his body. It trembles violently with the desperate attempt to not burst into a crying fit proper. He’s on the floor, curled up a bit, hands covering his face. To anyone else, he probably sounded like he was hurting, sure. But you know what it was like to be in his position. In reality, he sounds like he’s in so much pain he’s dying.
When it happened, you could barely tell who anyone was. You still couldn’t even be sure of what you had said right before Siffrin ended up like that.
But you did remember exactly how they managed to find their way there in the first place.
Hard to forget when you were the one who did it.
You. You and your stupid, blinding fear. Always mucking something up, weren’t you?
…You take a deep breath in… and out.
Okay. No time for a pity party. You had burning questions that needed soothing answers, not to mention you had a stardust to apologize to.
Alright. Get up, Loop. Back on stage.
It’s a lot harder to get out of bed than you think it should be, but you manage. Before leaving, you make the very smart and not at all cowardly decision to grab your clothes and don them once again. While most of the talk past the very start is a blur to you, you are still deathly aware of how Isabeau and Bonnie looked at you when they came in earlier. You’d rather save everyone the trouble of ever having to look at your deplorable body again, thanks.
You pick up the cloak first. Up and over it goes. Your horns aren’t nearly long enough to so much as grace the fabric as it passes, which you find helps you relax a bit for some reason. Still, the hat is next. Those same horns make their home in the holes your spikes once did, which just puts you back on edge.
Great. Net zero.
Whatever.
You shut your eyes and clutch the sides of your head as you shake it out. No. No self pity right now. You needed to get back in the loop first.
…Heh. Loop.
You scowl at your own words.
The way you dramatically burst out of your room shortly after was probably unnecessary, but you didn’t really care right now. It served to grab everyone’s attention at the very least, so that was good. Meant you didn’t have to awkwardly clear your throat or anything.
“Loop!” Bonnie gasps, pointing at you. “You’re back in your clothes!” They let out small laugh before continuing, deciding to strike you with a, “You really look like Frin now!!”
You fight the urge to scream. Really not what you wanted to hear right now.
Ugh. At least it was another good segue.
“Yes, yes!” you titter, “And, where is he, praytell?”
Nobody replies. Bonnie’s eyes widen, and everyone else gets a weird look on their face.
What? Was something wrong? Something was wrong, wasn’t it? Was it Siffrin? Stars, was it Siffrin??
Panic grips you suddenly, and you bend with the urgency of your next question. “Stardust—they’re okay, right? Right??”
Still nothing.
They’re looking at you with expressions you can’t parse and it's making you angry and scared and you’re suddenly aware you don’t know what type of Craft you used when you attacked him and maybe you used Rock and maybe Siffrin was hurt beyond all comprehension and it was your fault, your fault, your fault—
“Loop?” someone asks, and you snap.
“IS HE DEAD?” you wail, holding yourself so tightly under the safety of your cloak it hurts. You so desperately want to rush over to one of them, grab their hands, beg, beg, beg for more information, but you can’t. You can’t. Not if you went and killed him. What if you hurt one of them next? What if you…
What if…
What… If……
“ANSWER ME!” you shout, loud and sore and trembling so hard you’re afraid you might shatter.
“Loop,” Odile says, calm and collected. Her face is scrunched with what looks like both confusion and aggravation, but you can’t be sure you’re not just making things up. Whatever, whatever. Focus, Loop. She was saying something. It could very well be about your stardust!
“What? What?” you push, trying to make her hurry up. “Just spit it out!”
“Stop,” the woman demands with an outstretched palm, and you clamp your mouth shut so fast you bite your lip. You relish in the pain and inhale sharply with your nose and hold it, hold it, hold it, and then…
You exhale, and try to stay calm.
“Okay,” you say slowly, “I…”
…Wait a minute.
Why did your voice sound like that?
As you carefully pull your hands up to your throat, Odile speaks again.
“You seem to understand the situation now,” she says, something in her tone. You can’t be bothered to puzzle it out right now. “But allow me to reiterate it regardless, for your sake.”
You’re cognizant enough to tell if you were processing things better right now, you’d be upset with the way she was treating you like nothing more than a child calming down from a temper tantrum.
But, you’re having enough trouble processing your own words right now, let alone any deeper meanings behind someone else’s. It didn’t matter. You could be petty after you made sure you hadn’t murdered your stardust in a stupid, idiotic freak out.
Odile seems confident in the fact that you’re listening now, because she drops her hand and settles her posture as she speaks. “It appears you didn’t realize it until just now, but you haven’t been speaking Vaugardian since you entered.” She furrows her brow and pulls a curled finger to her lips. “To be completely honest, I’m not quite sure what language that was…”
“It kind of hurt to hear??” Bonnie cuts in, a thoughtful look on their face.
You flinch, feeling hurt in a way you can’t even begin to think about right now.
Mirabelle is quick to hop in though, going, “O-oh!! But once you got past that, it really did sound lovely!!”
“Yeah!!” Isabeau tacks on, “Real pretty words, whatever language they were!!”
You bite back a groan. You didn’t want their placations right now. You wanted answers. But you’d have to start speaking a language they understood again for that to happen, wouldn’t you?
Ugh. Why now, a point in which, more than anything, you just want to rush, rush, rush, do you need to slow down? Why now does your stupid starforsaken mind allow you access to these words you haven’t used in… Stars! Who knows how long! Why! Now!!
…You breathe in and out. Once, twice, three times.
Okay, okay. You could get as mad and heated about this as you wanted to later. There were more important things at hand here.
Eyes on the prize, supernova.
“Where… Siffrin…?” you try, looking over everyone hopefully. You think that was Vaugardian, but maybe not. It sounded a little rough to your ears…
Odile raises both eyebrows, looking at you with what one might almost classify as shock. “Okay,” she hums, “I wasn’t expecting Poterian, but we can work with that for now.”
You let out a huge sigh. Thank the stars.
Ecstatic to know at least someone can understand you now, you ignore the confused looks everyone else has in favor of leaving the doorframe of your room and closing in on Odile just a bit, hands poking out of your cloak just enough for you to clasp them together in front of you.
“Siffrin okay?” you ask with so much worry you’d be embarrassed if you could care about it right now, “Siffrin okay, yes??”
The researcher regards you with something flickering across her face, and you so desperately want to do something violent for a few seconds, anything to get her to just answer you, and then…
“Siffrin will be okay,” she says, words bland on her tongue, almost uncaring.
You couldn’t care less about her tone, though. You droop so hard with relief you kind of regret moving now, because you slump backwards and hit the wall next to your room’s door at an awkward angle. Your head bangs against the surface with a dark thump noise and your legs buckle as they catch weirdly and you end up in a heap on the floor and you want to cry but you don’t.
Still, you press your hands into your eyes and just. Breathe.
He was okay.
Siffrin was okay.
They were okay.
Stars.
“Um,” you hear Bonnie pipe up, “Dile, what did they say? They were askin’ about Frin, right?”
You don’t care enough to try and interrupt. Not like you could say anything they’d understand, anyways.
“Yes, Boniface,” the old woman replies. Your eyes are still shut tight, but you can practically see Odile throwing you an odd glance. You shiver despite yourself. “They wanted to make sure he was okay, is all.”
“Oh!” the kid gasps, and you hear them scuttle up to you right after. You think if you move your hands to look at them you’ll die, so you don’t. “Loop!!” they shout, mere inches away from you now, “You don’t have to worry!! I dunno how they got hurt ‘cause nobody wants to tell me, but they’re fine!! I just bought them some soup a little bit ago, even!!”
…You lower your hands. In front of you is a proud looking Bonnie, clenched hands on their hips.
“Are… you sure…?” you all but whisper, voice feeling raw for some reason.
Bonnie’s eyes widen and they point at you, finger so close to your face you push back more into the wall with it, unwilling to be touched. “OOH!!” they beam, “YOU’RE SPEAKIN’ NORMAL AGAIN!!”
…Were you? Had you managed to slip back into Vaugardian without even realizing it?
“I… am…?” you try tentatively, and lo and behold, you were. “I am…!” you breathe, starting to feel a little dizzy.
You can’t lie. The idea that you wouldn’t be able to find this language in your banks ever again had started to flood the bottom of your mind, and the emotion that washes over you now that you know it’s not true is almost too much to handle.
But. You can’t cry. Not here, not now. Not in front of them.
You can’t. You won’t.
You force your palms into your eyes again and just breathe. In and out. In and out.
You can’t cry. You won’t, you won’t, you won’t.
“Loop…?” you hear Mirabelle call. “I know Odile and Bonnie just said so, but!! Siffrin is okay, okay? You don’t have to worry about them!!”
He’s okay.
He’s okay, he’s okay, he’s okay, he’s okay Loop stop freaking out stop being weird stop, stop, stop, stop stop stopstopstopstopst—
“HEY!!”
You startle. Violently.
The few tears that manage to fall from your eyes are quickly scrubbed away before you even attempt to speak again. When you’re sure there’s no more evidence to be found, you let your face fall into an all too practiced smile and unshielded your face for the audience.
“Y-es, Bonb—Ki—Yes?” you stammer, and immediately want to kill yourself. Stars above. You couldn’t have fumbled that more if you tried.
Bonnie’s face is screwed up in a myriad of ways, and you very deliberately do not comment on it. Instead, you giggle cutely and push your tongue out, lifting your hands to rest atop your hat in a non threatening way.
“Sorry~!” you titter, trying to keep your smile looking natural and control the way your voice pitches, “Forgive my little slip. M’still trying to… remember my lines, is all~!”
You want to gag. Why did you say that?? Why in the whole entire Universe would you say that????
Luckily enough for you, the deeper meaning seems to go over Bonnie’s head as they cross their arms and nod seriously.
“That’s okay,” they say in a voice you think is supposed to be soothing, “I dunno anything besides Vaugardian, so I dunno what it’s like to not be able to speak it.” They push their arms out now, giving you two big thumbs ups. “So I think you’re doin’ a crabbing awesome job right now!! Especially since you were all weird and stuff when you came out here at first!!”
…Did this kid know how not to accidentally scorn you, or was it just a part of their job description??
“Thhaaaank yyouuu…!” you drone, forcing your mouth to stay upturned. “I… really appreciate that, kid.”
“No problem!!” they puff up happily, and you’re relieved they didn’t seem to catch how uncomfortable you are. “You look like Frin now, so I’m gonna ask just in case,” they barrel on, and you blink. What?
“What?” you ask, a high little laugh of a thing. “Ask? Ask what?”
“You didn’t let me finish, crabface!!” Bonnie pouts, which manages to tear a quick, breathy laugh from you as they press on, “I wanna give you a hug!!”
You sober immediately.
The world feels like it’s shifting.
The taste of burnt sugar wisps around the back of your throat—
NO. NO LOOPING. YOU CAN’T LOOP ANYMORE. YOU CAN’T, YOU CAN’T, YOU CAN’T, YOU WON’T.
With much difficulty, you force yourself to stay in the present. Bonnie’s face is pinched with worry now, a hand squeezing their arm a bit as they glance away.
“So… Can I?” they ask, all the apprehension in the world pouring off of them in buckets.
You…
You don’t know what to do.
You don’t know what to do, what to say, how to act, you don’t know your lines, you don’t know your cue, you don’t know, you don’t know, you don’t—
“Maybe we should let Loop recover a bit from that first, Bon,” you hear the fighter say lightly, and it makes you want to crumple into a little ball and be thrown away and never thought about ever again.
…And then the thought of that actually happening makes you so sick to your stomach, you don’t have control over the way you yelp, “NO!” and grab Bonnie and hold them close to you tightly.
“Oh!!” they gasp, and within the few seconds it takes for them to really process the situation, they’re hugging you back. “Haha!” they giggle, “You really are just like Frin!!”
You don’t cry, because you can’t. Not here, not now, not in front of them.
If the pathetic little wheeze you let out is caught by anyone though, they don’t mention it.
You’ve never been more grateful for silence in your life.
Here you are, hugging Bonnie, with them hugging you back. Their grip isn’t as tight as you remember, but maybe the situation didn’t call for it. Maybe you’re misremembering, even.
It didn’t matter.
You were here, now, and you had a child you cared for so deeply you’d kill for them wrapped up in your arms and you…
You don’t cry.
You don’t.
You breathe and allow yourself this, if only for a moment.
If only for a moment, you will have this, and you will savor every millisecond of it.
And you won’t cry.
You won’t.
end a/n: it was. about time. for something niceies to happen to them at the end of a chapter, dont you think? it wont last too long though, so dont worry~! \( ^^ )/
wc: 3, 721
uploaded 6/29/24
a/n:
chapter warnings:
- suicidal idealation
- self harm
You’re not allowed to see Siffrin.
You know why, the Researcher outright told you as such even. You were “highly volatile,” apparently. They didn’t want a repeat of earlier.
You understand. Really, you do. You didn’t want that either, after all.
It didn’t mean the very notion of it didn’t leave you seething.
Didn’t they know? Didn’t they get it? You could kill them all, if you wanted to. One by one you could strike them down and let the Kid run away, just like they always did when you were too busy being killed by the King to protect them.
You could become something of a King yourself even, if you wanted to.
You muse. What would your title be, you wonder? Ruler? Monarch?
The thought builds on itself easily. Your rise, your reign, your inevitable fall…
Really, what stopped you from deciding to play the role of dangerous, overly emotional freak and hurt everyone around you? Wouldn’t that be fun? Wouldn’t that be new? Wouldn’t it finally get you the attention you wanted? Sure, it would be negative, but you remember once overhearing someone in a bar say any attention is good attention! before making an absolute fool of themself.
You didn’t remember what happened to that guy at the end of the night, but you do remember everyone around them having fun. The tender got mad, you think, but everyone was too busy watching the bumbling idiot dance around like a court jester.
Wouldn’t that be great? Everyone’s eyes on you? Everyone in the Universe thinking about you 24/7?
Wouldn’t it be awful, when you were felled by the very people you want that attention from the most?
Wouldn’t it be so funny, for the clone to kill the original in the end? Even after they refused to before? Even though, had they gone through with it in the first place, there would never have been a Monarch that needed to be killed to begin with?
That’d be so ironic, wouldn’t it? It’d be so funny. It’d be so awful. It’d be so great.
…Something in your chest clenches so tightly you gag. You feel like throwing up.
You don’t, though. The K—Bonnie was very generous earlier and decided to cook for you after you had calmed down a bit. For whatever reason, you’re struggling to remember what it was. You do remember it was salty, though. Decidedly not sweet. It had helped.
They had retired to bed then, along with everyone else. The old scholar to her solitary confinement, the chef and bubbly romance fanatic to their room, and the bulky dope of a man slipped silently into Siffrin’s resting area.
That left you, alone, in the main room.
You were still at the table when everyone left, slowly chewing at the last bits of whatever it was that Bonnie had made for you. You had tried to focus on it so hard, unwilling to think of anything else, that you had somehow focused right past it, tracing the table’s wood grain up and down with your eyes.
You guess that’s why you don’t remember what it was you were eating, actually. Oh well.
Digressions aside, you finished before you had any idea of what to do next.
You couldn’t visit Siffrin, you weren’t going to leave the inn just to wander around at night, and there was a grand total of nothing else to do. You were at a loss.
So, you ended up drifting to your room, closing the door quietly behind you, and flopping down on the bed starfish style. This is where you find yourself now, filled with coarse, strangling emotions that threaten to overtake you at a moment’s notice.
…Stars. Maybe you were volatile. Maybe you shouldn’t see Siffrin for some time. Maybe—
Knock, knock.
You’re startled out of the beginnings of your spiral by the soft sound of knocking at your door. Who in their right mind would be coming to see you right now?
The door opens without protest, surprising you a bit. Did you really not lock it?
Well. Too late now. You sit up and watch as the very last person you expect to see quietly slides into the room, flowy nightgown following closely as he shuts the door behind him.
Your eyes widen considerably, and fear grips you as you scramble back on the bed. No, no, no, what was he doing here? Didn’t they tell him?? Didn't they let him know how dangerous you were?? Didn’t they—?!
“Loop,” Siffrin breathes, a smile (???) on his face, “You’re okay.”
He sounds… relieved????
You… don’t understand.
“S-Stardust…!” you laugh nervously, pressing yourself against the headboard as much as you physically could. “What! In the Universe! Are you doing here…!”
To that, they have the gall to look confused. “I’m… here to see you…?” they say, like it’s the most obvious thing ever.
“Okay!!” you titter, absolutely not on the verge of panicking at all whatsoever, “Why!!”
Siffrin frowns in a very specific way at this. His mouth pulls downwards considerably, forcing you to become aware of the bruise that’s just beginning to heal on their right cheek. Their brows furrow and their eye becomes shiny with emotion in a way that you know means he’s fighting back hurt tears. It’s now that you notice their eyepatch is gone too, showing off the scarred tissue that’s normally hidden by it.
“Because you were panicking earlier?” he mumbles, hands drawing close together near his chest, “A-and you hit me by accident, so Odile Slowed you? And then you passed out, and everyone put us to rest, and I haven’t seen you since…”
You’re starting to feel lightheaded.
“I’m well aware of what happened!!” you squeak, “Did you ever think that maybe I didn’t want to see you!! After all of that!!”
You regret the words the second they leave your mouth. Siffrin looks like you just attacked him again. You almost wish you had, instead of saying that.
“You… didn’t…?” the rogue asks, eight different kinds of pathetic. “I-I…”
They try and fail to play with the hem of the gloves they don’t have on, ending up with a hand wrapped around their wrist. He looks at you, a deep sadness coating his entire being, and you…
You sigh. Heavily. You don’t think you’ve ever sighed so hard in your life.
The line between selfishness and selflessness blurs dramatically as you force yourself to lower your hackles and calm down. You had no reason to be acting like this. You were the aggressor! You were the one who hurt him! And you were just!! Hurting him even more by being like this!!
So.
No more of that.
“...N-no, that’s not right,” you admit, letting your posture relax. You’re still against the headboard, but you’re no longer pressing against it like you’re afraid something deadly would happen if you weren’t. “I… I did. I did want to see you.” You gulp nervously. “But…”
Siffrin gets closer to you now, taking infinitesimally small steps, and you try not to react in a stupid and unnecessary way. “But…?” he prods, no longer sounding so pitiful. Hopeful, even.
You force yourself to breathe, working your fingers under your borrowed cloak. You wish you had something to mess with. It would help, you think.
Some part of you… moves. You’re not quite sure how else to describe it, it’s an odd thing. But then the feeling of follicles is in your hands and you’re forced to remember your very non human features again. You don’t know how you kept forgetting about your tail.
Whatever. Unimportant right now. You fiddle with the tuft of hair, and try to make sure your voice doesn't prickle with emotion as you speak.
“I wasn’t… Allowed to,” you barely manage, staring down at your lap. You can’t see anything past the pure darklessness of the cloak, but you think if you have to look at Siffrin’s face right now, something bad will happen. So, you don’t. You keep your eyes trained on the small bumps your hands make in the fabric as you play with your tail. “So I… Couldn’t see you.”
The rogue is at your bedside now. “But… You wanted to?” they ask, so much hope poured into it you could choke on it.
You fight back the growl that wants to rip its way out of your throat. That would be a stupid sound to make right now, you think. You know. Who growled at something like this? Certainly no one normal or smart or sane or safe to be around.
Ugh. Just don’t think about it, Loop.
“Um…” you murmur, the smallest laugh anyone has ever mustered leaving you, “Y-yes. I did.”
“Really…?” Siffrin pushes, desperation pulling at his tone. It makes you feel sick, so you nod as quickly as you can. Anything to clear the air of the deep guilt you feel.
“Yes,” you confirm, “Really.” You feel a very specific type of tired as you continue. “Everyone said you were just fine, even Bonnie, which pretty much guaranteed it was true. But…” You close your eyes wearily. “That didn’t mean I didn’t still want to see you for myself, stardust.”
The sentiment is left hanging in the air for a few beats, neither one of you saying anything. You, because you’re too scared and tired and upset and a million other negative descriptors to even try. And Siffrin because…
Well. You’ve joked about being able to read his mind many times. But you couldn’t, not really. It was all intuition. Of which, you currently had none.
So, you’re not actually sure why Siffrin is being so quiet. And something tells you you wouldn’t like the answer if you did.
And then, out of nowhere, he blurts out—”Can I hug you?”
You blink once, twice, and then finally look at him again.
Their hand is still cinched around their wrist, but both their elbows flap out at their sides. They’re bouncing on their heels a little bit too, and their face is painted brightly with open want.
Again you blink, completely and utterly confused.
“I-I…” you mumble, involuntarily closing in on yourself, “Why…?”
“Because I want to!” Siffrin laughs breathily. “Because I missed you! Because I…” They falter now, but only for a moment. When they speak again, their voice is back to its normal, quiet cadence. “Because I want to make sure you know that it’s okay, and it wasn’t your fault, and I forgive you.”
You can’t help the way you laugh, a sound filled with nerves and disbelief and dread and sorrow.
“Not my fault!” you echo, voice shrill, “It’s all okay!! Because you!! Forgive me!!!”
Your hands clamp tightly, crushing the hair that you’ve been playing with this whole time.
There’s no pain in it. You kind of wish there was.
“I attacked you, Siffrin! I hit you with Craft so hard you sounded like you were dying!!”
Your hands fly up to your arms. The bandage on your right arm from before is still there.
You scowl as you hastily rip it off.
“I thought…!! Ha—!!” Your breathing has become strained, but you press on anyways, “I-I thought I did it, y’know!! I thought I really and truly killed you!!!”
Claws sink into newly revealed flesh. Weird, sap-like stuff begins to seep out of you once more, both arms this time.
It burns.
It’s still not enough.
“And I—!! Haha!! I thought I killed you and everyone was like—” You force your voice to be deeper, almost in an attempt at mimicking the fighter, “No you didn’t, Loop! But we’re still not gonna let you see them, Loop! Because you’re dangerous, Loop!!”
You throw out your palms and give the most anger filled bout of jazz hands ever conceived. The inside of the cloak brushes roughly against the new puncture wounds, but you barely process the feeling of it.
The way Siffrin’s eye widens upon seeing your barely noticeable stained hands is unmissable, but you barrel on anyways.
“Because if we so much as let you see him, you’ll actually kill him this time for sure!! We know you will!! You awful monster, you!!!!”
Your hands go back under the cloak and try to find new purchase to create new holes. When you speak again, your voice is high and fragile once more.
“But here you are!!! And you want to hug me, for some stupid blinding reason!! Haha!!! Beauty, meet Beast!!!!”
You’re wheezing.
“I don’t understand you, Stardust!!! I really don’t!!!!”
More awful fluid is forced to spill from your body.
It brings you no pleasure.
“You!!! You…!!!!!”
You shut your eyes tightly and laugh so hard it hurts.
“You really should have just killed me when you had the chance!!!!!!”
You are suddenly engulfed in a large embrace.
Your breath hitches, you choke on it, and you sob.
Your stardust’s arms wrap around you tightly, a hand pushing into your hair. “It’s okay,” they shush you quietly, “It’s okay, Loop. I promise it’s okay.”
You hug him back and hiccup and wail and shake and you don’t stop. You can’t.
Everything hurts. Everything hurts so bad.
You gasp and heave and Siffrin pets you and holds you and this moment feels neverending…
But it does end, eventually.
At some point, you’re able to calm down. You still can’t really breathe properly, but you’re breathing to begin with, so you consider it a win.
“I’m sorry,” you apologize, pathetic and open and tired.
“It’s okay,” Siffrin reassures, pushing deeper into the crook of your neck and pulling your head more into his. “It’s okay.”
“I don’t want to kill you,” you weep, voice cracking. “I-I… I couldn’t. I…” You sniff, unable to continue.
“I don’t want to kill you either,” your stardust murmurs. “I never have.”
And, despite yourself, you bark out a laugh.
“You should,” you croak. “You really, really should.”
“Well I don’t,” they reply matter-of-factly and pull back just enough to look you in your wet, puffy eyes. “I want you here, Loop. I didn’t just invite you along for no reason. I want you here.”
He wants you here, he wants you here, he wants. You.
He wants you.
He cares for you.
Of course. Of course he cares for you. How could you forget so quickly?
You want to say something smart. Something that lets him know you understand now. That you remember.
“I’m sorry,” you say instead.
“It’s okay,” he says back.
“I-I’ll be better,” you offer. “For you, I’ll be better.”
Siffrin laughs and pushes his forehead against yours with a bright smile. “I don’t want you to be better for me, stupid. I want you to be better for you.”
Their words manage to make you laugh too, and your eyes crinkle. “I’m stupid now, huh?”
“You are, if you really think I’d ever want to kill you. I didn’t even want to fight you back in Dormont.” Siffrin’s last sentence is sobering as they say it. “Why would I ever want to hurt you, Loop?”
Because I deserve it, you don’t say. Because I wanted to hurt you first. Because I keep hurting you, despite the fact I’ve been trying so hard not to. Because, because, because…
“...I don’t know,” you breathe, closing your eyes. “I don’t know.”
“That’s okay,” Siffrin assures. “So long as you know I don’t at the end of the day, it’s okay.” They shake their head, causing friction where the two of you connect. “Okay?”
You fight back more tears. “O-okay.”
Siffrin’s smile widens again, and he moves his hands so they close around your arms and squeezes. You’re sure this is supposed to be comforting, but he lands directly on some of your brand new wounds and you flinch so hard you pull him back with you.
He gasps and just barely manages to prevent your heads from clonking together. “Loop?” he asks, worry pouring out of him, “What’s wrong?”
You hesitate, scared to ruin this moment. They look over you, iris flitting this way and that in an attempt to see something, and then quickly move to pull the cloak up once they can’t seem to find anything.
Your view of him is obscured now, so you don’t see his face, but you cringe as you hear him gasp so loud it sounds like it hurt.
Your hands fly to cover the wounds, but you know it’s too late. Your hands were still soiled by the weirdo blood you were still dripping, anyways. You know he saw them earlier, too. Stars, you probably got the back of his pretty darkless nightgown all spoiled too…
You squeeze.
Siffrin grabs your hands and pulls them away from your body and holds them in his.
“Stardust!!!” you jump, “Wh-what are you—?!”
Wordlessly, they place your hands into their lap and keep theirs on top of yours for a few seconds, before moving to push the cloak up and off of you. They’re careful as they do so, and do it in a way you find yourself hatless at the end, too. The starbell dings lightly as he places both articles of clothing to the side.
You feel disgustingly naked suddenly. Arms leaking your new body’s version of blood, steady but slow as molasses, nothing to hide your face with, nothing to scrunch into…
“G-ive it back...” you try feebly, trying to reach out to your hat at the very least. You still when you catch a glimpse of your hand and remember your current predicament.
Since your lower arms down are completely lightless, the somewhat opaque and slightly lighter goop is more noticeable than you’d really like it to be. You’d stain the clothes if you touched them like this, you’re sure. The inside of the cloak is probably already marred, and you silently pray that you didn’t smother the stars on it. You know Siffrin would forgive you, but you’d never be able to forgive yourself. It would kill you.
Your hovering hand is covered by both of Siffrin’s near darkless ones. For the second time now you are forced to think of the difference between them. Before, it was theoretical. Now though, even if yours are patchy with your repeated mistakes, it is real.
Something tugs at your heart. You don’t think now is a good time to try and examine it further though, so you resolve to do so later.
“I-I’m s-orry,” you hiccup. No tears come to the surface, but you still can’t breathe quite right. “I-I didn’t… I didn’t mean to, I…”
Siffrin keeps a loose yet comforting hold on your hand as he stands. “Let’s just get you cleaned up,” he says quietly, pulling at you.
You lift with his help, but don’t look at him. “Y-you alr-eady…” You already fixed me once, you’re trying so hard to say, You can’t do it again. We can’t make this a pattern.
“I don’t mind,” they shrug simply, beginning to guide you slowly to the bathroom, “I’d do this for you every second of the day if I had to.” They laugh weakly as they twist the doorknob and pull you in behind them. “Um… don’t. Make me have to do that, though.”
“Nnn…” you mumble pitifully. I don’t even want you to do it right now…! you don’t try to find another way to express.
They seem to get the message anyways. “Hey, I said I didn’t mind, didn’t I?” they chuckle softly as they sit you down on top of the toilet seat they so graciously closed for you. “Just stay right here. I’ll go grab some more supplies and be right back, okay?”
You don’t look their way, but nod regardless.
“Loop,” your stardust says, and moves a hand to rest on your shoulder. The flesh there prickles. “Do me a favor while I’m gone?”
You mumble your acknowledgement, and still don’t look at them.
“I need you to imagine a group of… five million dogs,” they say, and you do look at them, completely taken aback.
“What???” you laugh, bemused.
Siffrin is grinning at you. “Five million dogs. You following?”
“No????” you giggle. “What are you on about right now???”
“Okay,” they sigh almost seriously, but then you see that silly little twinkle in their eye and know they’re about to say something ridiculous, “So. The concept of a million of something is—”
“I know how to count, Siffrin!” you shout, pushing him away in a fit of almost manic laughter. He doesn’t protest, but he keeps a tight hold on your shoulder. It’s grounding.
“Okay then!” they laugh back. “So then, a dog is—”
“Siffrin!!!”
The way their face is lit up is doing an obscene amount of good to your mood. You try not to think about that though, afraid you’ll ruin it somehow if you do.
“Great! Then you’ve read all the preliminary works!!” they grin playfully. “Now imagine. Five. Million. Puppies.”
“They’re puppies now, then?” you snark.
“Sure!” your stardust answers easily. “Whatever makes you happy, Loop de Loop!”
The nickname catches you so off guard, you’re not able to jab back at him in time.
“Now, I want you to think of all of those doggies and puppies all together in a bunch and I need you to count them.”
“C-count…” you breathe, mind still lagging a bit at the nickname. “You… already know there’s five million of them, though…?”
“Not the important part!” Siffrin asserts. “I also need you to name them and list at least two of their personality traits each!!”
You gawk at him for a few seconds before bursting into a much too loud laugh. “What in the Universe are you having me do right now?” you ask, feeling something squeeze around your heart in a way that is suffocating, but almost comfortable.
“You’re counting, naming, and listing the traits of each of five million dogs,” Siffrin snarks now, sticking out their tongue. “Duh.”
You shake your head, but you’re smiling. You’re smiling so wide. “Fine!!” you laugh, “I’ll count and name and list the dumb traits of your dumb, imaginary dogs!! You happy now?”
“Very!!” Siffrin grins. “I’m gonna go get those supplies now! And I expect some results when I return!!”
“Yeah, yeah,” you shoo. “Go, then. I can’t imagine up five million different names under these conditions.”
Your stardust closes his eye happily and waves as he sweeps out of the bathroom, leaving you to your task.
You are three dogs deep when you realize, oh.
This is a distraction tactic. He’s trying to make sure you don’t hurt yourself again while he’s gone.
That… sours your mood a bit, you won’t lie. The knowledge that you had to be distracted by something so… So childish in order to literally not hurt yourself…
You close your eyes and breathe in deep and clasp your hands together and do not allow them to find refuge on your arms.
Siffrin would be back before you knew it. It would be fine. Just because you needed to be given an activity to keep yourself safe didn’t mean anything, ultimately. You wouldn’t let it mean anything.
You exhale and put yourself back in the open field of puppies.
You have dogs to name.
end a/n: not quite a Happy ending this time around, but also not as bad as its been in the past. a win, perhaps...?
wc: 3, 775
uploaded 7/10/24
a/n:
chapter warnings:
- violent thoughts
- umm breakdown? i think thats what you could call it. a breakdown of sorts
An obscenely loud “SIF!?” rouses you from your fitful bout of sleep. The door that crashes open milliseconds later just makes you groan.
You have got to start locking that starforsaken thing again.
You grumble and hold whatever the warm thing in your grasp is closer. You don’t really remember falling asleep, and you don’t know what’s in your arms, but you also don’t really care right now. You just wanted a bit more rest…
“Oh thank Change…” you hear, though you wish the man attached to the voice would just leave instead of sticking around, “Sif… I was so worried when I woke up…”
You groan again, louder and more deliberate this time, before pushing your head into the chest in front of you. From context clues, you’re pretty sure it’s Siffrin’s. That would make the most sense, you guess. You can’t imagine being this comfortable in the arms of any other person in the Universe, after all.
The distinct feeling of the atmosphere surrounding you stiffens with unease, but you do your best to ignore it and snuggle ever closer to your stardust.
It takes until the fighter, who has come close enough to bore holes into your very being, reaches out to the two of you for you to break.
His presence has always been large, loud, and you pull away from Siffrin just in time to see him lay a hand on the rogue’s shoulder.
“Oh!” he squeaks. “Oh, I’m sorry, did I wake you?” He looks genuinely apologetic.
You don’t really care, though.
“Were my groans of disruption not enough for you?” you bite out, pulling your whole body away from Siffrin now. Thankfully you’re both under the covers still, so your bandaged arms and brightening star are hidden from view.
Despite the clear upset in your tone, Isabeau chuckles. “Honestly? I thought those were from Sif!” He smiles at you wide, like you’re supposed to be in on some type of joke with him.
You squint your eyes, frown deepening.
Either he gets the message or loses interest, you don’t care which, but he stops staring at you to give Siffrin one of the most piteous looks you think you’ve ever seen in your life.
“Sif?” he breathes lightly, shaking their shoulder. “Sif, you’re alright, right?”
And, of course, just that one simple bout of wording is enough to set you off.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” you growl, hands tightening around some loose bits of blanket, “Did you come in here expecting them to be dead or something?”
Isabeau’s entire demeanor changes, and he jolts up from his bent over position, hands coming to hover in front of his chest, fingers working the air.
You’d recognize the Isabeau Worried expression anywhere. Part of you thinks it’s comforting almost, to see it so specifically pulled out for you again.
The other part hates it. Loathes that he gets to act like the man you once loved. The man you lost.
The man you killed.
“What??” this new, alive Fighter balks, and though your eyes are pointed his way, you feel as if you’re looking right through him. “N-no!! I didn’t think—Change, Loop!! I-I know what M’dame said last night, but no one thought you were going to kill them or anything!!”
The insistence forces the Researcher’s words to rush through your head anew. “You are highly volatile right now,” she had said, a tight frown on her face. “And I am truly sorry, as I know you are very important to Siffrin, but I cannot allow you to see him until we can be sure that he’s better. And that you have a better control of yourself.”
You scowl, teeth bared. “Could’ve blinding fooled me,” you spit.
The Fighter looks hurt at your remark, though you can’t fathom as to why. You were the one being antagonized here. Stars forbid you snap back.
An awful thought forms in your head then, and you glower at the man in front of you without really meaning to.
“Uh… Loop?” you see more than hear him say, but largely ignore it in favor of your mounting thoughts. He still looks so blinding pained for some reason, which just serves to further fuel you.
If he wanted to play the part so badly, maybe you could introduce him to some… method acting of sorts.
A sickening smile eases its way on your face as you flatten one of your hands. Wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t it be so, so amazing of you to help him in his stupid little endeavor? You’d be helpful again! Wonderful, helpful Loop!! The only thing you were sent in this blinding life to be!!
“Loop,” you see his mouth move, and he looks between you and Siffrin. His hands have stilled, now being held more in a placating manner. “What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?” you bark out, aching laughter pouring out of you, “Do you really want the answer to that, Fighter?” Your voice rises with each word, and some distant part of you becomes aware Siffrin is stirring, but the present you pushes on with reckless abandon regardless. “Do you really want to know what’s wrong?”
The situation must be starting to settle in properly, because the man’s stance changes from placating to protecting as he jumps into action. In one swift motion, Siffrin is now being cradled by him. You think they mumble something, but the movement yanking the cover off of you and exposing your upper body demands your attention more.
Whatever words the Fighter was going to say dies on his tongue, his determined face falling as he gets a proper look at you.
There it is again. That blinding look.
“Loop—” he tries, adjusting his hold on Siffrin so he can reach out a bit, but you are hearing none of it.
You tremble with rage, tail thrashing. “CUT THE NONSENSE!!” you roar, Paper Craft sign dissolving in favor of clawing at the bedsheets. “I DON’T WANT YOUR STUPID, BLINDING, PITY!!”
You’re just outright growling as your hands fly into your hair and take purchase and you pull, pull, pull.
“I DON’T WANT THIS STUPID BODY!! I DON’T WANT THIS STUPID LIFE!!!”
Your eyes squeeze shut tightly. Painfully.
“I DON’T WANT TO EVEN BE HERE!!!”
Tears have begun pouring down your face.
“BUT HERE I AM ANYWAYS!!! POOR, PITEOUS LOOP, TRYING TO STEAL BACK THE LIFE THEY WILLINGLY THREW AWAY!!!!”
Your scalp burns from abuse.
“I-I—!!!!”
You can’t breathe.
“Starlight…?”
Your breath catches in your throat and your hands still and your eyes fly open.
In front of you is none other than your stardust. They’re currently in the process of prying themself off of the Fighter to crawl towards you on the bed.
“Starlight,” they repeat, reaching out, “It’s o—”
You snap.
“DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME IT’S OKAY!!!!” you shout, unable to keep your volume in any sort of check any longer. You’re not sure you’ve been able to for a while now honestly, but you can tell you’re well and truly loud now, as the Fighter winces and takes a step back.
Too many emotions flash through you at the sight of it to name.
Siffrin winces in front of you too, but much less than the man before him. “Starlight, please, just listen to me,” he tries after a moment’s hesitation.
“LISTEN TO YOU?!” you laugh out manically, backing away from him, “I THINK I’VE LISTENED TO YOU ENOUGH FOR BOTH OUR LIFETIMES!!!”
“What in the world—” you hear, and all three of your heads snap towards the door. The Researcher stands in the frame, eyes squinted with a loud frown on her face. “...Isabeau? Siffrin?” she asks, realization dawning over her features, “What are you doing in here?”
“Yeah!!” resounds from behind her, and your breathing starts to speed up in fear.
No, no, no, not the Kid. They couldn’t see you like this! Not the awful, no good mess you are right now!!
But, despite your wishes, the young preteen pushes their head in. “And more importantly,” they continue, “why is Loop shouting in that crabbing language that hurts so bad again?? I thought they were goin’ back to speaking normal!!”
“Boniface,” you hear the Researcher warn, disapproval coming off of her in droves, “Stay back.”
You feel like screaming.
But, before you can, the Kid—Bonnie pushes in more. “What? No way!!” they huff. “Somethin’s wrong with Lulu ‘nd I wanna help!!”
You… blink.
“Lu… lu…?” you repeat delicately, hand hovering over your chest. Were they talking about you?
Bonnie’s face scrunches up a bit, and you’re suddenly conscious of what they said when entering. Stars, did you really slip back into your old language again? You have got to get a handle on that.
Regardless, the preteen recovers quickly and nods, hands thrown up in the air. “Yeah!!!” they beam. “You’re Lulu now!!! ‘Cause… um…” They seem to sober a bit, hands coming to hover nervously by their side for only a second before returning to their previous position. Their face is even more determined than before, somehow. “‘CAUSE I CRABBIN’ SAID SO!!!!” they declare.
And that’s what does it, ultimately. That’s what causes all the tension and the strife and the pain to burst and evaporate, leaving you wheezing and deflating like a balloon.
“Bonbon…” you whisper, hands coming to cover your mouth as you breathe heavily, “Ooh stars…”
He must see his moment to strike, as one second you’re cold and alone in your spot on the bed, and the next Siffrin has engulfed you in a large hug.
You don’t waste a second in returning it.
“I-I’m sorry…” you stutter, fighting back more tears. You think you managed to go back to Vaugardian, if Bonnie’s excited noises are enough to go by. “I… I…”
Truthfully, you don’t know what you’re sorry for. Existing, you guess? Being here? Trespassing on a life that doesn’t belong to you?
…You couldn’t say any of that. Not with Bonnie here, at least.
Speaking of which, “Hey wait!!!” they shout out, causing you to pry open eyes you hadn’t realized you closed, “I want to give Lulu hugs too!!!” they demand, rushing over.
You don’t miss the way both the Research—Odile and Isabeau react, twin movements of slightly moving forward before almost seeming to reconsider and stop short of making sure Bonnie doesn’t get anywhere near you.
But, it doesn’t really matter. The kid zips past Isabeau and scuttles across the bed and only stops once they’re practically in your face, arms thrown out.
“Um,” they say blandly, seeming to come to a realization, “I can hug you, right? ‘Cause Frin is?? That means it’s okay???”
You think if you open your mouth, you’ll regret whatever comes out, so you just nod.
Bonnie does not hesitate a second longer. They join the hug with as much of their body as they possibly can, hugging you mostly from your left side.
“I dunno why you were yellin’ earlier, or why everyone keeps actin’ all weird around you, but I’m sick of it,” they say, only a little muffled by the hug. “So from now on, you’re Lulu and everyone’s gonna be crabbin’ chill around you.” They pull back a bit and look over the other three. “Okay?!” they huff.
Isabeau responds first, and though he falters a bit before, his reply seems to come easy. “Okay, Bon,” he nods.
They turn pointedly at Odile, who pinches her face a little, but sighs. “We should discuss this more first, Bonifa—”
“NO!!” they pout, hugging you tighter. “When I came back from that play yesterday, you guys told me your dumb Adult Talk was over and somethin’ had happened and then you were all weird!! You had your discussin’ time!! We don’t need to have any more discussin’!!”
Despite yourself, this situation, this life, you find yourself bursting into a bout of giggles.
The whole room’s air shifts just like that, and Bonnie turns to you as Siffrin pulls back as well, bemused look on their face.
“What’re you laughin’ at, Lulu?” the preteen asks, both sounding and looking deeply puzzled.
“N-nothing, starbit,” you manage after calming down after your small fit. “Just…” Your smile turns impish as you lean into them a bit. “You’re right. All this disgustin’ discussin’s got us all extremely distrustin’, is all.”
Bonnie’s face squishes in a way that lets you know they know you just said something frankly obscene, but they’re still trying to work out exactly why it's so despicable. Siffrin and Isabeau on the other hand, both react almost instantly with loud laughs.
“You do wordplay too?” the fighter grins wide as Odile groans from her spot still in the doorway.
The animosity you had for him just a short while ago is all but gone, so you stick your tongue out at him and glance away playfully. “Something like that,” you reply cryptically.
“UGHHH, NOOOO!!!” Bonnie laments, small fists coming to hit you lightly. “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE!!!!”
You smile at them. “I’m always on your side, starbit,” you reassure, pulling them in for another hug. You kind of can’t believe the ease in which you do it, but force yourself not to overthink it. “These two still can’t work a word properly to save their lives, after all~”
“Mean to us??” your stardust laughs out, eye shining with an emotion that hurts to look at, so you don’t. Instead, you look back to your left and blink when you notice the new arrival pushing her bonnet-adorned head in.
“Um…” Mirabelle mumbles, rubbing one of her eyes, “A-are you all okay? Did I… miss something…?”
Something terrible burns in your chest with the knowledge that everyone was here now. You want to be… happy, you guess? And some part of you is, you think. Some part is really happy.
But another is also deathly aware of how you got them all to be here in the first place.
Ugly, disgusting, manipulative…
You feel your face falling, but you can’t really seem to do anything about it.
Odile sighs laboriously, almost like it hurt her to do so, and she finally enters the room to walk over to the bed. She takes a seat and turns back to you. “Loop,” she says sternly, and you stiffen. fear, fear and more fear starting to fill you before—”Stop that.”
You… stop that, you guess, blinking in confusion.
Odile rolls her eyes, and Mirabelle comes more into the room as well, standing next to Isabeau.
“You have that same awful habit Siffrin does, overthinking yourselves to death,” she accuses. You pull your head back as you tear your gaze away, scorned. She sighs again, and this time when she speaks there is a certain softness you have not heard from her thus far. “Look. I may have been… a bit harsh on you, yesterday.”
A bit! you bite back, managing instead just to hum an acknowledgement.
“I could beat around this bush a million and one ways, but I’ll just be straight with you.” You slowly turn your head back to her. Her eyes are clear and level, just like you remember them. “I’m not great at this whole feelings nonsense on a good day, let alone after being woken up by someone screaming.” You grimace, but do not look away. She almost seems impressed at your fortitude, you think. She takes a small breath in… and out. And then, “I’m sorry, Loop.”
…She’s…?
“Sorry…?” you breathe, dumbfounded. “Like… a real, genuine sorry? From the Odile?”
She scoffs. “Please. You make it sound like I’ve been nothing but heartless the whole time I’ve known you.” She sighs lightly. “But, yes. Genuinely, I am sorry for the way we’ve been interacting recently, Loop. I hope you’ll forgive me.”
You… stare at her, completely at a loss for words.
“I…” you mumble, fighting back the emotions that threaten to overtake you, “I-I… Um…”
“You don’t have to, of course,” Odile adds, finally looking ahead again and rolling her shoulders. The previous position must have been aching her bones. “But I’d hope you would. It’d make the rest of this journey a lot easier on everyone, yourself included.”
You look from the back of the researcher’s head, to the top of the kid’s to the housemaiden and fighter’s face, and then finally stop, looking directly in your stardust’s eye.
This journey you were going on with everyone… Could you still do it? Were you still wanted?
Could you still salvage this?
…The answer comes from you pretty easily, all things considered.
“I do,” you nod, refusing to look at anyone but pouring as much emotion into your voice as you could. You had to let them all know you were telling the truth. “I forgive you, Odile.” Your face pulls uncomfortably. “And… I’m sorry. To everyone.”
“Sorry?” Mirabelle echoes, head tilting. “For what?”
You chuckle weakly. “It’d probably be easier to list what I’m not sorry for at this point, starbit,” you murmur, a stray hand coming to hold your lower arm. You very pointedly make sure to keep your grip loose.
“So you don’t know what you’re apologizin’ for?” Bonnie asks, always cutting to the root of the problem so easily.
“...Something like that,” you admit.
“Well then!” they puff up, crossing their arms, “Apology not accepted!!”
…Huh.
“Bonnie?!” Mirabelle gasps at the same time Isabeau lets out a startled laugh of, “Bonbon?!”
Odile simply snorts, and Siffrin gives them a bewildered look.
“What??” they pout, like they have any right to sound offended. “Nille always tells me you can’t apologize for the sun and the moon!” Their face becomes thoughtful as they glance away. “I never really understood that, actually. But!!” they bounce, looking determined again, “I know that it actually means that if you’re saying sorry for stuff bigger than what you can do something about, then there’s no use sayin’ sorry for it!!”
The room is quiet for a moment before Isabeau crosses his own arms, a smile on his face. “Y’know, that’s actually pretty sound advice!”
“I agree!!” Mirabelle chirps. “Don’t worry about yesterday, Loop!! O-or today?? I think??” She glances away anxiously, a thumb coming to rest near her mouth. “I don’t really know what happened before I got here…” she mumbles to the side before shaking herself off. “Oh, but!! Point is, we all wanted you to come with us on this journey, Loop!!” You very deliberately do not look Odile’s way as she continues, ”So!!! We should all work together to make sure everyone is okay on it!!! Including you!!!”
You’re still a little unsure, but then Siffrin pulls your occupied hand free before slipping both of his hands onto yours. “You heard them, Lulu,” he teases, causing you to look away, a bit embarrassed, “We all want you here. And we all want you to feel good while you’re at it, too.”
He once again presses your foreheads together. You think you should feel shy, what with everyone (save Odile, who’s still faced away) looking at you, but you don’t.
“You don’t have to tell them about your loops,” they continue on, switching to your shared language, “At least not right now, okay? But we’ll work on something to answer Madame with instead of just winging it next time she pries. We won’t let yesterday happen again.” He squeezes your hands. “Okay?”
You sigh heavily and let your eyes slip closed. “Okay,” you nod slightly, not bothering to switch.
“What?? What’d they say???” Bonnie breaks in the second they seem to recognize the end of the conversation.
You force a small smile onto your face and hope it doesn’t look creepy. “Just a promise we made, starbit,” you say, voice a little too tight for your liking. In an attempt to keep the air light, you hastily will your tail to move, using the fluffy tuft at the end to boop their little nose. “No worries~!”
The kid pulls back a bit, looking confused but intrigued. “Woah, what’s this?” they ask, looking between the tip of your tail and you. “What is this??” they ask again, not seeming to understand how you’re connected to it.
You tilt your head. “You mean my tail…?” you ask hesitantly, confused yourself. What’s so difficult to understand about—
“YOU HAVE A CRABBING TAIL???” they yelp, causing you and Siffrin to wince with how loud it is next to you.
“Oh thank Change,” you hear Isabeau sigh immediately after, and when you glance at him he looks six different kinds of relieved. “I really didn’t wanna be the one to bring it up.”
You chuckle nervously. “Did I not mention that…? Aha…” You place your hands on your head at an angle lightly as non threateningly as you can. “O-oops…”
“Um,” Mirabelle chimes in, “Would now also be a good time to mention the horns?? O-or…”
Bonnie, who had turned to the housemaiden as she spoke, immediately turns back to face you. “AND HORNS????” They throw their hands into the air. “COOOOOL!!! I WANNA SEE, I WANNA SEE!!!” They lift up on their knees so they can move closer to you and stare at your head. They must get what they want out of simply viewing them, because they breathe, “Woooah…” shortly after.
“You um… You really think they’re cool?” you ask shyly as Bonnie flops back down in their seat.
“CRAB YEAH I THINK IT’S COOL!!!” they respond without hesitation. “IT’S CRABBIN’ AWESOME!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW COOL HAVING A TAIL IS???”
You don’t know what else to do, so you just chuckle lightly at them. “I-I guess not!” you say, voice wavering a bit.
“It’s so cool,” Bonnie reassures, voice back to a normal volume and face completely serious.
“Then I guess I have to agree with you, starbit!!” you laugh. It’s not the easiest thing in the world, but it seems to win over the kid as they grin happily at you.
“Okay, okay!! C’mon!!!” they say, scrambling to leave the bed.
“Woah, where y’going, Bon?” Isabeau asks, a small chuckle in his voice.
“Breakfast, duh!!” they announce as they make it to the doorframe and stop. “And then!! It’s time!!!!”
Your heart sinks a little. The last time it was time for something, everything became a disaster. You really hope this time won’t be anything like the last time.
“Time for what, Bonnie?” Mirabelle ever so graciously asks for you.
The chef throws their fists up in the air, excitement practically pouring off of them. “I GET TO DRAW LULU!!! AND THEIR AWESOME TAIL AND HORNS!!!!” they cheer. “DUH!!!!”
end a/n: chapters that kick your ass something fierce as you write them [wheezing, coughing up blood] i tghougth this was only goign to be 1k. (<- FOOL)